Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

That's their parents' choice and their responsibility. If they want to spend the time to make sure this 100% happens, well that's not my business. I'm not helping them parent their kids. If they want a community involved in this they should move back to India, where presumably a majority will share their opinion and help them police their kids

- Indian American

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

Can’t tell if this is for real or parody.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t date in HS -
Not because my parents were against it but because they made sure I wore some cheap ridiculous stuff and I was not too confident of my looks because of that. It was really bad for my self esteem and led to some pretty risky and promiscuous behavior in college because I was seeking validation. Long story short I don’t want this for my kids so I am happy if they date (they don’t yet, to my knowledge).

[Anonymous]

DS was in this situation last year and I had similar thoughts and feelings. I just told him that she was lucky to have him as a boyfriend and no one should hide him from being their boyfriend, treat her with respect and that I was uncomfortable with the fact that she was actively disobeying her parents but she’s not my child so I can’t control the situation. I advised him to keep that in mind and that as a practical rule there are plenty of other girls whose parents do not have this rule, find one. Ultimately the tight constraints imposed by her parents lead them to break up, because she couldn’t ever do anything. So my advice, just leave it alone it’ll fizzle out.

[Anonymous]

DS is in a school which is approximately 50% kids of Indian parents.

Are Indian parents really this strict about dating in HS? Or is it just a myth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is in a school which is approximately 50% kids of Indian parents.

Are Indian parents really this strict about dating in HS? Or is it just a myth?

Varies by family, culture, religion

Parents who are immigrants, yes maybe

Families who have been here longer, not so much.

I can tell you as an Indian Christian whose parents came in the 70s, my mom would be overjoyed to welcome a DIL of any race into the family so long as my late 30s brother gets married some time soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

Can’t tell if this is for real or parody.

It’s Lane Kim’s mom, or almost exactly what she says in season 1 or 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

Can’t tell if this is for real or parody.

It’s Lane Kim’s mom, or almost exactly what she says in season 1 or 2.

So I guess parody? I hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

That's their parents' choice and their responsibility. If they want to spend the time to make sure this 100% happens, well that's not my business. I'm not helping them parent their kids. If they want a community involved in this they should move back to India, where presumably a majority will share their opinion and help them police their kids

- Indian American

You have very antiquated ideas about the Indian diaspora. You have suffered. Trust me, no one is asking you to police other people's children.
Frankly, as long as you are capable of living your own life independently and not depending on your family for handouts, childcare etc every now and then, nothing more is expected of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is in a school which is approximately 50% kids of Indian parents.

Are Indian parents really this strict about dating in HS? Or is it just a myth?

Varies by family, culture, religion

Parents who are immigrants, yes maybe

Families who have been here longer, not so much.

I can tell you as an Indian Christian whose parents came in the 70s, my mom would be overjoyed to welcome a DIL of any race into the family so long as my late 30s brother gets married some time soon.

Late 30's is different from a 14 yr old horny teen. I am assuming your brother is done with his education, has a good career and is financially capable of providing well for a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Honesty unless your daughter is good looking and popular you don’t have much to worry about in terms of “alcoholized parties” or anything like that. I know from my kid that nerdy kids from conservative cultures are usually left alone

Popular in USA does not mean a kid who is well-liked in the whole school for their friendliness and kindness. No, it is basically young teens who know how to suck a duck under the bleachers. No. Thank. You.

I love how all these popular kids peak in HS and then realize in college that - they have student debt, their parents were waiting for them to go to college to divorce, they have to pay rent if God forbid they come back home, and their major does not get them a well-paying job.

The nerdy kids from conservative cultures may also sow their wild oats in college, but even the "ho" from any of these conservative cultures will at least get into med/dental school, intern in the summers, go abroad for vacation or a semester, and they will not be flipping burgers to make ends meet because their parents refuse to fund them. Why? Because the parental conditioning is so strong that they will not jeopardize their academic and professional success - even if at times they are isolated or sad. Why? Maybe it is because they do not want to be scrutinized by their parents and the various uncles and aunties. And academic and professional success is a way for parents to understand how their kids are doing. I have seen Indian-American kids go to therapy for some issues, but after therapy they come out being grateful that their parents did right by them. And through all of this - they are never failure to launch.

All their angst about their parents start to fade as they graduate from college and realize that they have HUGE leg-ups over their peers in HS and college because their weddings will be paid by parents, they will get at least one new car in life (after HS, or after college), they will get the funds to get a smart wardrobe for work, they will be allowed to stay at home without paying a dime, they may get a 'seed fund' to invest etc, etc, etc.

Majority of these Indian-American kids start walking the straight and narrow & start appreciating their parents, once they are privy to the trauma-story sharing of their dorm-mates that occurs during late-night sessions - about their upbringing, their broken families, the neglect they have suffered, their shame for their own personal history etc.

But, PP is correct. The one good thing about being nerdy kid from conservative culture is that you are left alone by the party group. You bond with the other nerdy kids who are winning accolades in scholastic pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really simple. Teach your son to interact with this girl within the parameters her parents have set. It’s fine if he doesn’t like her enough to do that - this has happened for eternity.

Please do not talk to her parents, and do not encourage your son to encourage her to lie to her own parents. Her family has rules - teach him to respect those rules.

I think the girl’s parent’s parameters are simple: OP’s son should not exist in their daughter’s life whatsoever (especially since he’s a white boy).

If that’s the case, so be it. It’s a good lesson for OP’s son to respect the rules of another family. If their relationship needs to consist of seeing each other at school, he needs to decide if he is ok with that. If he is, they can develop their relationship in that capacity. If he’s not, he can move on.

Remember, we are talking about minor children here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is in a school which is approximately 50% kids of Indian parents.

Are Indian parents really this strict about dating in HS? Or is it just a myth?

Varies by family, culture, religion

Parents who are immigrants, yes maybe

Families who have been here longer, not so much.

I can tell you as an Indian Christian whose parents came in the 70s, my mom would be overjoyed to welcome a DIL of any race into the family so long as my late 30s brother gets married some time soon.

Late 30's is different from a 14 yr old horny teen. I am assuming your brother is done with his education, has a good career and is financially capable of providing well for a family.

I think they regret making every interaction taboo. There was a middle ground they could have followed. As it was, some of his friends ignored their parents wishes and did what they wanted. They are equally as well employed as my brother now, so how did they lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Honesty unless your daughter is good looking and popular you don’t have much to worry about in terms of “alcoholized parties” or anything like that. I know from my kid that nerdy kids from conservative cultures are usually left alone

Popular in USA does not mean a kid who is well-liked in the whole school for their friendliness and kindness. No, it is basically young teens who know how to suck a duck under the bleachers. No. Thank. You.

I love how all these popular kids peak in HS and then realize in college that - they have student debt, their parents were waiting for them to go to college to divorce, they have to pay rent if God forbid they come back home, and their major does not get them a well-paying job.

The nerdy kids from conservative cultures may also sow their wild oats in college, but even the "ho" from any of these conservative cultures will at least get into med/dental school, intern in the summers, go abroad for vacation or a semester, and they will not be flipping burgers to make ends meet because their parents refuse to fund them. Why? Because the parental conditioning is so strong that they will not jeopardize their academic and professional success - even if at times they are isolated or sad. Why? Maybe it is because they do not want to be scrutinized by their parents and the various uncles and aunties. And academic and professional success is a way for parents to understand how their kids are doing. I have seen Indian-American kids go to therapy for some issues, but after therapy they come out being grateful that their parents did right by them. And through all of this - they are never failure to launch.

All their angst about their parents start to fade as they graduate from college and realize that they have HUGE leg-ups over their peers in HS and college because their weddings will be paid by parents, they will get at least one new car in life (after HS, or after college), they will get the funds to get a smart wardrobe for work, they will be allowed to stay at home without paying a dime, they may get a 'seed fund' to invest etc, etc, etc.

Majority of these Indian-American kids start walking the straight and narrow & start appreciating their parents, once they are privy to the trauma-story sharing of their dorm-mates that occurs during late-night sessions - about their upbringing, their broken families, the neglect they have suffered, their shame for their own personal history etc.

But, PP is correct. The one good thing about being nerdy kid from conservative culture is that you are left alone by the party group. You bond with the other nerdy kids who are winning accolades in scholastic pursuits.

Most of the kids I know that went through this would gladly trade the car, the paid wedding and the smart wardrobe for a happy childhood free of abuse. The other side of the coin is that the control over the kids life comes with abusive enforcement means both physical and verbal dished out for almost anything from grades to perceived parental disrespect.

A lot of these kids don’t want to have anything to do with their parents. If that upbringing is so great, somehow that’s lost on those kids because they tend to raise their own children very differently.