Husband asked me to look more presentable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has asked me to look more presentable around our home. I'm newly postpartum with my first, wifh zero interest in keeping up my appearance. It won't be forever - it just the season of life I'm in. I don't really know how to respond Nevins being devastated by his request. How do I approach handling this sensitive issue?

GIRLLLLL, he ain’t nothing but a hound dog. You need YOUR time to recover… and HE needs to mind his business. Can a sista get an amen!

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between looking more presentable and basic hygiene. Make it a daily goal to get back to your previous hygiene habits- if you were a once a day person, plan time to get back to that.

PS it's ok for baby to cry for 10 minutes as you take a shower if you have the kind of baby that wants to be held all the time. Give yourself permission to just invigorate yourself with a shower and fresh change of clothes.

-been there done that and my DH is/was wonderful- I was just really tired/low energy and felt pressured to be 'on' 100% of the time for the baby. When I had extra time, I napped, instead of bathing. What got me was I didn't want each of my babies to 'know' mummy's smell was sweat, bo, dried milk and ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the baby? This seems unreasonable unless it’s really extreme. Like if the baby is six months old and you’re showing once a week. He might have a point. If the baby is less than a month, he should not be doing anything.

A little over 1 month. I think I’ve showered maybe 4 times since giving birth. I will wear the same clothes until I shower again.

Hon, you need professional help. This is not normal.

BS she needs professional help. She has an incision that is not fully healed. I was lucky to shower once or twice a week at that stage. I changed underwear and bra, but that was about it.

No PPD--you have just forgotten what having a brand-new infant via a cesarean is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference between looking more presentable and basic hygiene. Make it a daily goal to get back to your previous hygiene habits- if you were a once a day person, plan time to get back to that.

PS it's ok for baby to cry for 10 minutes as you take a shower if you have the kind of baby that wants to be held all the time. Give yourself permission to just invigorate yourself with a shower and fresh change of clothes.

-been there done that and my DH is/was wonderful- I was just really tired/low energy and felt pressured to be 'on' 100% of the time for the baby. When I had extra time, I napped, instead of bathing. What got me was I didn't want each of my babies to 'know' mummy's smell was sweat, bo, dried milk and ass.

I’m very biased but my baby is an angel. She’s a very easy and good baby. Sleeps by herself for the most part for naps. Hardly cries unless tired or hungry or for comfort. I try to take the nap time to rest because I’m feeding, making bottles, making food, changing diapers, and rocking to sleep during that time. It’s a never ending 2-3 hour loop.

The thing is I don’t actually smell. I even asked my husband and he said no. He would tell me. I’ve showered 4 times in the 2.5 weeks I’ve been home. In between that is wipes, a bidet, deodorant, teeth brushed and flossed twice a day, and hair brushed. I’ve never been one to smell much.

I’ve been battling lack of sleep when I was pregnant. I think I worked myself too hard. Working 50 hour weeks, caring for his mom, and doing most of the household chores took a toll once I became heavily pregnant.

I plan to start showing daily. Ordering more clothes or maybe asking my husband to be more diligent with doing laundry. I will not be dressing up in yoga pants or jeans until I’m ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you’re not breastfeeding. You have to keep your body clean if your baby relies on it to eat.

No. I can’t breastfeed because of the medication I’m one. Baby girl is 100% formula fed with liquid ready to feed. She’s thriving and that’s all that matters!

Powder is cheaper and just as good if you’re trying to save money.

We were told to use ready to feed. It’s easy easier to handle than formula and worrying about water. I just pre fill bottles and heat. The cost isn’t an issue for us. It’s only about a $50 difference.

I also plan to breastfeed. I can’t right now being on meds but I do pump and dump to keep my supply up so I can hopefully transition to nursing or breast milk soon.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a good plan, OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You can outsource things for not expensive. Use one of the wash and fold services that picks up and delivers. Get a cleaning advice e in to clean and do your bed. If you really have no clean clothes, use instacart or target pickup and get 7 cheap nursing dresses. Certainly you can do laundry once a week. You can definitely shower without having to have anyone else there. Just put the baby in a bouncy seat or lay down in a swaddle for a nap. I am not saying you’re depressed, but wearing dirty clothes or the same clothes you’re sleeping in is just plain gross. I can’t even imagine your hair. I have 4 kids and had a lengthy hospital stay with my twins. You just have to power through this and know it’ll be tough for another month or so but don’t let the basics slide to the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't you just say that you are PP, WFH and are overwhelmed. It won't be forever. So some grace would be appreciated.

Or, you can just tell him to F off.

We are 1 month in and I’m not back to work.

My husband has always had some issues with hygiene. He's super hygiene - showers 2-3 times a day. I’ve always been clean but the basics like showering and changing my clothes has fallen to the bottom of my list. I admit that I don’t shower much these days or change my clothes unless I do. I try to shower frequently but it’s hard and I don’t have the energy for it most days. I will throw pajamas on each time. My husband wants me to shower daily and at least get dressed in real clothes.

I’m going to go the opposite way of most of the posters here and suggest that your husband (whom you selected and loved enough to marry and have chosen to have a child with) is not a self-centered heartless monster who is out to get you. Rather, he is seeing signs that you are struggling and throwing in the towel. This person who doesn’t shower or bother to change clothes is not someone he recognizes, and he’s freaked out by it. Maybe he’s asking because he needs to find out if it’s intentional or if you are in need of post-partum counseling. If he asks “do you think you can at least try to shower and change into real clothes once a day?” and you respond that you simply can’t, maybe he’ll see that you need help. (Because this is not only something you should be able to do 30-days post-partum, but it will make you feel more human and less depressed if you do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can outsource things for not expensive. Use one of the wash and fold services that picks up and delivers. Get a cleaning advice e in to clean and do your bed. If you really have no clean clothes, use instacart or target pickup and get 7 cheap nursing dresses. Certainly you can do laundry once a week. You can definitely shower without having to have anyone else there. Just put the baby in a bouncy seat or lay down in a swaddle for a nap. I am not saying you’re depressed, but wearing dirty clothes or the same clothes you’re sleeping in is just plain gross. I can’t even imagine your hair. I have 4 kids and had a lengthy hospital stay with my twins. You just have to power through this and know it’ll be tough for another month or so but don’t let the basics slide to the side.

What do you mean by my hair? You do know most people only wash their hair a couple of times a week? I only wash my hair 1-2 times a week. Maybe once more if it’s very hot and I’m very sweating. It’s not good to wash your hair daily. I brush my hair each day and put in up in a ponytail. My hair isn’t greasy or gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth do you marry these guys? This is not normal.

Because some guys are very good at hiding their true selves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, OP, you really need to shower and change clothes daily. I am really not trying to be mean, but you probably smell after a week of no showering. And showering regularly will help to some degree how you feel.

I know you say you're not depressed, but this is a huge red flag for depression.

Completely agree and I empathize. You should be showering more regularly and not wearing unclean pajamas on a daily basis. Do you have any family who can help? Can you hire part time help? The first few months are tough. Best of luck to you.

-mother of 4

I know I need to get better. I need to do laundry more so I have more clothes to wear. I don’t so I just wear the dirty ones until my husband does laundry or I muster up the strength to do it.

We don’t have help. I’ve reached out to some caregivers but most regular ones want more hours than I’m willing to give. A doula is way too expensive for us. We don’t have a lot of extra funds to afford that kind of care.

You need help! Your husbands request for you to shower isn’t unreasonable.
Get a 12-14 yr old Mothers helper a couple times a week for a few hours. They are inexpensive. Ask neighbors or a Facebook moms group to fund one.
The teen can hold your baby and/or feed her while you shower, throw in laundry, take a nap.
If breastfeeding, start pumping, so someone else can feed the baby. Learn how to run all the bottle and pump parts through the dishwasher daily
A daily shower (with a stool to sit on) will help you feel better and be more yourself.
Also, ask your Mom, Aunt, sister, friend, to come stay with you for a week to help.
You will start to feel better in a month or so, but you need help NOW

[Anonymous]

Ask neighbors or a Facebook moms group to FIND one.

[Anonymous]

It took me 3 months to find a bra that didn’t give me mastitis. I looked pretty jiggly and lived in days old loungewear.

He can suck it.

You’re healing and there will be plenty of time to look nice later. Please do showed a few times a week for your own mental well being. It helps with the fatigue and is a few minutes alone.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you’re formula feeding but pumping? Please just give up pumping. It sounds like you’re putting your body through too much. Your baby will be just fine with formula and may not even take to the breast if she is used to a bottle.

[Anonymous]

I doubt many of the people posting in this thread have had a herniated disc triggering severe sciatica. I did, and let me tell you, it took a couple weeks for me to heal enough that I could sit or stand for more than 2 minutes at a time. I had to be flat on my back. Sitting for 10 minutes or more was absolutely excruciating for months afterward. Just putting on pants was really painful. I needed a couple weeks to start healing, followed by 3 months of PT at least twice weekly to be pain free. OP is dealing with that on top of being postpartum, recovering from a c-section, and suffering sleep deprivation. It sounds like she doesn’t have a lot of help.

OP, everyday that your baby is well cared for and your health hasn’t declined is a victory. You’re in survival mode right now. Taking care of your baby and yourself are all you should focus on. It’s crazy that your dh doesn’t want you in the most comfortable clothing possible. Does he not understand the agony that you’re in???