Husband asked me to look more presentable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has asked me to look more presentable around our home. I'm newly postpartum with my first, wifh zero interest in keeping up my appearance. It won't be forever - it just the season of life I'm in. I don't really know how to respond Nevins being devastated by his request. How do I approach handling this sensitive issue?

This is a post that needs one of those memes where it shows the husband's headstone and plays that meet you in heaven song.

Lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a lot of support right now. Back pain from an herniated disc while tending a newborn is a lot. It would be hard to get out of bad daily for most people in this condition. Are your parents nearby?

My parents don’t live nearby and can’t help anyway. Older with health issues. My family has kids of their own and work.

We make a little over 200 combined. Way more than the average American, but definitely far less than most on this forum. We can afford childcare but definitely not an expensive doula. The ones I’ve looked into charge like $45-60/hr. We can’t find a nanny willing to work less than 30 hours.

It’s been bad. I’m usually a very clean person. I make it my best to make sure I don’t smell. I take care of what I can. I’m just in so much pain that doing basic tasks takes so much out of me that I don’t want to shower. All I want to do it sit and ice/heat it.

This I can help with. You are not looking for a nanny, op. You are looking for a babysitter. To make the offer as attractive as possible, you say that the specific days and/or the exact hours are flexible. You also need to let the babysitter bring their kid.

For example, we needed two days a week when I could nap. So I advertised for any two weekdays, as long as they weren’t back to back. We preferred 1-4, but we were clear in the as that the hours were flexible. We paid $12/hour in 2016, and heard back from ten people. Your target demographic is college students who have weird class schedule and really only want to work 10 hours/week and single mothers on welfare who can’t earn too much. Good luck.

Oh hello poster that had kids and paid below minimum wage 10 years ago. This is super helpful advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a lot of support right now. Back pain from an herniated disc while tending a newborn is a lot. It would be hard to get out of bad daily for most people in this condition. Are your parents nearby?

My parents don’t live nearby and can’t help anyway. Older with health issues. My family has kids of their own and work.

We make a little over 200 combined. Way more than the average American, but definitely far less than most on this forum. We can afford childcare but definitely not an expensive doula. The ones I’ve looked into charge like $45-60/hr. We can’t find a nanny willing to work less than 30 hours.

It’s been bad. I’m usually a very clean person. I make it my best to make sure I don’t smell. I take care of what I can. I’m just in so much pain that doing basic tasks takes so much out of me that I don’t want to shower. All I want to do it sit and ice/heat it.

This I can help with. You are not looking for a nanny, op. You are looking for a babysitter. To make the offer as attractive as possible, you say that the specific days and/or the exact hours are flexible. You also need to let the babysitter bring their kid.

For example, we needed two days a week when I could nap. So I advertised for any two weekdays, as long as they weren’t back to back. We preferred 1-4, but we were clear in the as that the hours were flexible. We paid $12/hour in 2016, and heard back from ten people. Your target demographic is college students who have weird class schedule and really only want to work 10 hours/week and single mothers on welfare who can’t earn too much. Good luck.

I know you mean well but this hasn’t been our experience. We looked into a babysitter. I wouldn’t trust anyone under 21 my child. Even college kids today charge $25hr for childcare.

We have to pay above board - no cash. That’s really challenging for find with under 30 hours.

We aren’t comfortable with a person bringing their kid.

[Anonymous]

Was he born in the 1890’s?? Do you live in downton Abby? Tell him you will when he hires a butler, nursemaid, and chambermaid.

[Anonymous]

I hope you’re not breastfeeding. You have to keep your body clean if your baby relies on it to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t do very much postpartum but I am grateful I was able to shower every day. My DH would come home after a long 12 hour day at work and the first thing I would do is go and shower. It was my alone time and it made me feel much better. I still wore the same clothes day in and day out. But I did shower. Please find some time for yourself to shower. You will feel better.

Ok. I will make it a part to shower everyday and change my clothes. I don’t like spending money but I will order some more clothes.

You don't own seven outfits? You can't do a load of laundry halfway through the week? Come on, OP!

I didn’t purchase many clothes for after baby because I wasn’t sure how soon I would lose the baby weight. I didn’t want to buy a ton and never wear them. I don’t send clothes back because I wash anything before I wear it.

Laundry is hard for me. I don’t think you understand the burning aching nerve pain. It’s intense and terrible.

Actually I do. I couldn't walk for a year and had physical therapy three times a week to re-learn, which started with practicing sitting on the side of my bed. So I really DO understand. Maybe it takes you longer. Maybe you can only put one item of clothes in at a time. Maybe you have to drop each item into the laundry basket on the floor and then get down on your knees to put them one at a time in the dryer. But you can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to these people, OP. You’re doing great. I didn’t shower very much for the first month postpartum either. Once or twice a week and, like you mentioned, bidet. I didn’t get sweaty at all because it was the middle of winter. I had wipes for my boobs and underboobs if milk leaked. I did change my underwear and bra 4x a day, but wasn’t really wearing “real” clothes that I could go out in.

It was completely a season of life, and my husband was home every day and had that first two months off too. I started by wearing easy and loose dresses, then moved onto athleisure.

Take it easy, as long as you feel clean, that should be good enough. Ignore your husband or tell him he’s being a complete ass. His negativity sure doesn’t help. He can do more if he wants you to heal faster.

Thank you! I do change my underwear daily. I just don’t change my sweats out unless it’s really bad. I wipe my body down.

I think the biggest issue for is showering and laundry. I’m very small and bending to reach clothes is hard enough. Adding in everything else makes it challenging. I hate doing laundry because of it and will only do it if I have absolutely no clothes. My husband tries but often forgets to switch them over and I have to rewash and put in the dryer.

So ask your husband to move your clothes somewhere you can get them more easily! Ask him to put your load of laundry in the wash before eating dinner, and then in the dryer after dinner. Then take it out before going to bed. Not that hard, OP. You're being lazy here. I don't know if that's your natural way or you're depressed, but COME ON! Be a problem solver.

Just a thought - maybe her husband should help her?

Did you miss my entire paragraph where I said what her husband should do, and what she should ask him to do step by step?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t do very much postpartum but I am grateful I was able to shower every day. My DH would come home after a long 12 hour day at work and the first thing I would do is go and shower. It was my alone time and it made me feel much better. I still wore the same clothes day in and day out. But I did shower. Please find some time for yourself to shower. You will feel better.

Ok. I will make it a part to shower everyday and change my clothes. I don’t like spending money but I will order some more clothes.

You don't own seven outfits? You can't do a load of laundry halfway through the week? Come on, OP!

I didn’t purchase many clothes for after baby because I wasn’t sure how soon I would lose the baby weight. I didn’t want to buy a ton and never wear them. I don’t send clothes back because I wash anything before I wear it.

Laundry is hard for me. I don’t think you understand the burning aching nerve pain. It’s intense and terrible.

Actually I do. I couldn't walk for a year and had physical therapy three times a week to re-learn, which started with practicing sitting on the side of my bed. So I really DO understand. Maybe it takes you longer. Maybe you can only put one item of clothes in at a time. Maybe you have to drop each item into the laundry basket on the floor and then get down on your knees to put them one at a time in the dryer. But you can do this.

I’m sorry to hear this.

We have a stackable washer. I’m just over 5ft and had to use a step stool to reach the bottom of the washer to get the clothes out. I can’t use one now during this stage so it’s been incredibly difficult to do laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he born in the 1890’s?? Do you live in downton Abby? Tell him you will when he hires a butler, nursemaid, and chambermaid.

? What does this even mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you’re not breastfeeding. You have to keep your body clean if your baby relies on it to eat.

No. I can’t breastfeed because of the medication I’m one. Baby girl is 100% formula fed with liquid ready to feed. She’s thriving and that’s all that matters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my daughter has a 2 month old. she wore the same clothes every day for about a month. i do know she showered though.

do you have some comfy clothes like loungewear or sweatshirt and pants? if not, get a few comfy outfits and rotate them or get them so they are mix and match.

do shower and put on clothes, though.

other than that, you can do as you please until you are feeling better.

I have comfy clothes but I didn’t buy a lot. I go through them quickly and can’t always do laundry as often as I want.

get as many as you need to make it through a week. get them so they can all be washed together. one load. hanging clothes is easier than folding, for me, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a lot of support right now. Back pain from an herniated disc while tending a newborn is a lot. It would be hard to get out of bad daily for most people in this condition. Are your parents nearby?

My parents don’t live nearby and can’t help anyway. Older with health issues. My family has kids of their own and work.

We make a little over 200 combined. Way more than the average American, but definitely far less than most on this forum. We can afford childcare but definitely not an expensive doula. The ones I’ve looked into charge like $45-60/hr. We can’t find a nanny willing to work less than 30 hours.

It’s been bad. I’m usually a very clean person. I make it my best to make sure I don’t smell. I take care of what I can. I’m just in so much pain that doing basic tasks takes so much out of me that I don’t want to shower. All I want to do it sit and ice/heat it.

And the pain from the disc is probably affecting your mental wellbeing as it’s constant. I had spinal headaches when I had my first. I couldn’t move my neck for 8 months. Your body has going through massive change. I understand how you must be feeling. You could use a couple hours of help doing the day so you can think through all the change and challenges, sorry you don’t have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even in pasparrdum my wife was very f**ble. Your husband doesn't love you enough otherwise he wouldn't have said that. And you are in your own home. You are not a high end restaurant. If this guy is asking you to look presentable in your own safe space then I am worried about your relationship going forward.

no one cares how "f**ble" your wife is or was you sad piece of trash.

[Anonymous]

hire a teenager or middle schooler to come do laundry.
they can do this and would be happy for some pocket money.

do you have neighbor friends? if you were my neighbor and you were struggling i would be happy to do a load or two for you per week for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you’re not breastfeeding. You have to keep your body clean if your baby relies on it to eat.

No. I can’t breastfeed because of the medication I’m one. Baby girl is 100% formula fed with liquid ready to feed. She’s thriving and that’s all that matters!

Powder is cheaper and just as good if you’re trying to save money.