DDs best friend is expensive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry are you new here? Your daughter just started hanging with friends?

My son is 5, when he has friends over or play dates.

I always pay for his friends, their enternance, food, souvenirs, snack, treat. Heck, sometimes if I’m feeling good. I’ll get them both a small toy.

It’s weird that you expect your friends daughter who is a minor to pay her way, even if her parents have offered to pay. In my culture, we wouldn’t accept it. As the host of someone, you pay.

I agree that if the girls make a movie outing and all you have to do is “drop off”. Then yes, she should have her own money for movies, food.

I don’t expect any of my sons friends to come with money, and vice versa. My sons friends parents haven’t asked me once for a dime, they take him to basketball games, baseball games, arcades.

It sounds like YOU can afford to host, and that’s a you problem.

If OP's daughter's friend reciprocated this wouldn't be a problem. It is not the paying, but the one-sided nature.

Please, stop saying "in my culture". So, if in "my culture" I could be rich as f**k but we just don't pay for other kids...does that somehow make things OK? You don't think the saying "let's go Dutch" came from nowhere, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

Who TF asks for $20 for pool food? You can get 2 pizzas and chicken wings from Domino’s for $20, Can make lunch meat sandwiches for 20 people, buy 4 frozen pizzas, make hotdogs for half the pool. Was this child 500 pounds eating for 20? I wouldn’t have invited your kids back either.

We were ordering Mexican. This child went to Chipotle once and ordered everything a la carte.we were with parents and her meal was like $25. She eats an adult meal. $20 is just right imo. It’s what I would send with my kid if I knew she was ordering dinner.

who orders Mexican to the swimming pool? and ordering food is expensive. some people never do it. basically you were expecting them to pay for an extravagance they cannot afford. if you actually wanted your child to keep the friendship you’d work to find affordable activities and gracefully cover when you chose unaffordable ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13’s best friend comes from a LARGE family. They only host DD I’d say 1/20 visits. I often take them to an activity (think movie, to the pool, to roller skate, etc.) and it usually involves feeding them, even if it’s including her in our dinner. The girl never comes with money, and if I suggest something and tell the mother the price, it never fails that she can’t go. It’s the ONLY time her mother doesn’t let her come over, ironically. So I usually end up paying. But it adds up, and we aren't exactly “wealthy”, sorry to say. We never experienced this with our other kids. If we tell DD she can’t come over as much she freaks out! Do we just budget and essentially make this girl one of the family and accept that cost for DD, or do we implement limits? A dollar amount limit? Like, we can spend $100 to have Larla over this month? Help!

Why does she have to come over less? Can't you just plan low cost activities? IE she's welcome to hang out at our house anytime but expensive outings have to be limited because neither of you have the budget for it (her friend is not willing or can't pay and you can't cover two kids all the time). That's a great lesson for your DD to learn! She's freaking out because she gotten used to you just footing the bill for all these fun things and now you're pulling out. And it makes sense why you would because these things add up. I think you need to transition away from expensive outings and move towards things you are comfortable spending on.

Ideas could be:

- they bake cookies or cupcakes (you pay for the supplies)
- at home manicures or spa activities
- make your own pizzas
- s'mores and movies at home
- go to the pool but pack lunch in a cooler
- window shop at the mall (maybe offer to buy a drink at Starbucks)
- making friendship bracelets, tie dye shirts or bags, crafts, etc
- go bowling on half off nights
- cook together (again you pay for supplies)
- do an online painting class

Some of these things do cost money but they are much less expensive than going to the movies and having dinner afterwards. Your DD has to decide if its worth it to hang out with that friend or if she would rather do expensive activities. It's probably something she's going to experience in college anyway.

[Anonymous]

When we invite my kids' friends over, we always pay. I don't know which of their friends can easily afford to pay and which can't and I don't want that to be the determinant of whether they can come or not. When they go places, their friends' parents pay too. But some friends definitely just have them over to hang and others take them out to trampoline parks and ball games and I assume finances play into that. As long as my kid wants to go & their guests have a good time with us, I don't keep track. If you don't want to invite the kid, don't... but essentially being mad that their parents don't have as big a budget as yours isn't fair either. I bet your kid would rather hang out with their friend & watch TV/eat popcorn than go alone to somewhere more expensive; and if they'd rather do the latter, that's fine... just make it clear they can't bring a friend this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Rules:

1. You invite, you pay.
2. You do not invite, then demand money of the other parent. So incredibly tacky I find it hard to believe someone would actually do this but apparently one poster did.
3. You do not invite then expect reciprocation based on what you think is the right frequency, or amount of money spent. You have no idea of the financial situation of the other child’s parents.
4. Do not expect a child you’ve paid for — even if for years — to remain friends with your child.it’s a social interaction, not indentured servitude. That child is not obligated to you in any way.
5. Do not pay if it will make you resentful.

Sorry your rules are complete crap. You sound like someone who is happy to take advantage of others.

There is definitely an expectation that people reciprocate. I've even taught my kids about this. If they have a friend whose parent hosts or takes them somewhere, they know to bring their own money along, offer to pay, or find some way to reciprocate. It doesn't have to be right away, and it doesn't have to be equivalent to what the other person does, but friendships can't be one-way.

NP: the problem here is that kids are not always ABLE to reciprocate. In most cases they do not have their own money (older teens excluded to a degree). With this line of thinking you are punishing a child for the “sins” of their parents. Some parents can’t afford to pay, others have family struggles of various types and can’t host in the way we do etc. I don’t expect “reciprocation” from kids.. If they are a good friend to my child then they are welcome in our home and treated as a valued guest when they are with us. If we are doing something special or expensive and don’t want guests or can’t afford guests, then friends are not invited that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop taking them places that cost money. She can eat dinner with you of course but otherwise they hang out around the house or something.
Also, for perspective, my DS13 never hangs out with anyone outside school. I wouldn’t mind paying for a friend if he had one.

Or be ok with paying3- 4 times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry are you new here? Your daughter just started hanging with friends?

My son is 5, when he has friends over or play dates.

I always pay for his friends, their enternance, food, souvenirs, snack, treat. Heck, sometimes if I’m feeling good. I’ll get them both a small toy.

It’s weird that you expect your friends daughter who is a minor to pay her way, even if her parents have offered to pay. In my culture, we wouldn’t accept it. As the host of someone, you pay.

I agree that if the girls make a movie outing and all you have to do is “drop off”. Then yes, she should have her own money for movies, food.

I don’t expect any of my sons friends to come with money, and vice versa. My sons friends parents haven’t asked me once for a dime, they take him to basketball games, baseball games, arcades.

It sounds like YOU can afford to host, and that’s a you problem.

If OP's daughter's friend reciprocated this wouldn't be a problem. It is not the paying, but the one-sided nature.

Please, stop saying "in my culture". So, if in "my culture" I could be rich as f**k but we just don't pay for other kids...does that somehow make things OK? You don't think the saying "let's go Dutch" came from nowhere, right?

They have no obligation to reciprocate. OP is choosing the activities, not the family. So, if they cannot afford it, it's fine for them to say no. You don't ask other families to pay for expensive activities knowing its not in their budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids. My oldest has a friend whose parents are divorced. I have been driving and paying for this kid for years. He is a great kid and a close friend of my son’s. If we plan an activity, he is the only one without money. We are used to it and it is fine. My middle kid is 13 and has a lot of friends. There are kids who have money. Those who don’t. The kids are making their own plans now and it is often drop off.

I was the kid with no money when I was a kid. My best friend’s mom always paid for me every single time. I am now in my forties and we are the wealthy ones now. That childhood best friend is divorced and not working now. I have been treating her for most of our adult lives. I treat us to trips. I still feel grateful to her and her mom for paying for me all those years.

If the kid is nice and your child’s best friend, I would continue treating. If you don’t want to pay for her, just let the kids hang out at your house.

+1

I was the kid from a large family with somewhat neglectful parents whose best friend's mom took me everywhere with them and paid. (My parents rarely funded things like roller skating or horseback riding.) Most of the time we spent time at their house, but sometimes we went out and I even went on a few vacations with them.

When I became an adult and recognized the emotional and other significance of their impact on my life, I sent Mother's Day cards to my friend's mom every year, helped her with some legal matters, always visited when I was in my home town, and wrote her at least one letter about the enormity of her lasting impact on my life. I was devastated when she died.

That childhood best friend and I are still close and enjoy each others' friendship. I have conveyed to her how important her friendship and her family's support was to me as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13’s best friend comes from a LARGE family. They only host DD I’d say 1/20 visits. I often take them to an activity (think movie, to the pool, to roller skate, etc.) and it usually involves feeding them, even if it’s including her in our dinner. The girl never comes with money, and if I suggest something and tell the mother the price, it never fails that she can’t go. It’s the ONLY time her mother doesn’t let her come over, ironically. So I usually end up paying. But it adds up, and we aren't exactly “wealthy”, sorry to say. We never experienced this with our other kids. If we tell DD she can’t come over as much she freaks out! Do we just budget and essentially make this girl one of the family and accept that cost for DD, or do we implement limits? A dollar amount limit? Like, we can spend $100 to have Larla over this month? Help!

Why does she have to come over less? Can't you just plan low cost activities? IE she's welcome to hang out at our house anytime but expensive outings have to be limited because neither of you have the budget for it (her friend is not willing or can't pay and you can't cover two kids all the time). That's a great lesson for your DD to learn! She's freaking out because she gotten used to you just footing the bill for all these fun things and now you're pulling out. And it makes sense why you would because these things add up. I think you need to transition away from expensive outings and move towards things you are comfortable spending on.

Ideas could be:

- they bake cookies or cupcakes (you pay for the supplies)
- at home manicures or spa activities
- make your own pizzas
- s'mores and movies at home
- go to the pool but pack lunch in a cooler
- window shop at the mall (maybe offer to buy a drink at Starbucks)
- making friendship bracelets, tie dye shirts or bags, crafts, etc
- go bowling on half off nights
- cook together (again you pay for supplies)
- do an online painting class

Some of these things do cost money but they are much less expensive than going to the movies and having dinner afterwards. Your DD has to decide if its worth it to hang out with that friend or if she would rather do expensive activities. It's probably something she's going to experience in college anyway.

Another random idea - my middle schooler needs volunteer hours for school, so we volunteer semi-regularly at the food bank. We always book an extra slot to invite a friend along. The girls have a blast, get some of their hours done, and it's entirely free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

Who TF asks for $20 for pool food? You can get 2 pizzas and chicken wings from Domino’s for $20, Can make lunch meat sandwiches for 20 people, buy 4 frozen pizzas, make hotdogs for half the pool. Was this child 500 pounds eating for 20? I wouldn’t have invited your kids back either.

We were ordering Mexican. This child went to Chipotle once and ordered everything a la carte.we were with parents and her meal was like $25. She eats an adult meal. $20 is just right imo. It’s what I would send with my kid if I knew she was ordering dinner.

who orders Mexican to the swimming pool? and ordering food is expensive. some people never do it. basically you were expecting them to pay for an extravagance they cannot afford. if you actually wanted your child to keep the friendship you’d work to find affordable activities and gracefully cover when you chose unaffordable ones.

This sounds fake. What meal is $25. You tell the kids one meal no extras and a drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

Who TF asks for $20 for pool food? You can get 2 pizzas and chicken wings from Domino’s for $20, Can make lunch meat sandwiches for 20 people, buy 4 frozen pizzas, make hotdogs for half the pool. Was this child 500 pounds eating for 20? I wouldn’t have invited your kids back either.

We were ordering Mexican. This child went to Chipotle once and ordered everything a la carte.we were with parents and her meal was like $25. She eats an adult meal. $20 is just right imo. It’s what I would send with my kid if I knew she was ordering dinner.

who orders Mexican to the swimming pool? and ordering food is expensive. some people never do it. basically you were expecting them to pay for an extravagance they cannot afford. if you actually wanted your child to keep the friendship you’d work to find affordable activities and gracefully cover when you chose unaffordable ones.

This sounds fake. What meal is $25. You tell the kids one meal no extras and a drink.

Why is DCUM going on some bizarre tangent on this? Chipotle, Chick Filet, etc. are popular places to buy food as a teen. Is there some universally accepted 3rd party pool food that we are supposed to be aware?

Have you never gone to Chipotle? It's not that hard to get to $25. Yes, you can keep it for $15 if you just get a burrito and that's it (no guac for you kid!)

So odd that folks are hung up on $25 worth of Chipotle.

[Anonymous]

I was this kid as well and my best friend's family even paid for me to come to Disney World with them twice. Thankful there isn't a burden on me to maintain the friendship like the mom in this thread who is so bitter her DD got ditched in high school. Like any gift, don't give if you expect something in return.

[Anonymous]

I would also start encouraging your DD to find ways to make money so she can start paying for these outings herself. I have several 13 year olds who babysit for us and are making $13-16/hr. I just saw a flier for teenagers offering to fill and hide eggs in your yard for Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Rules:

1. You invite, you pay.
2. You do not invite, then demand money of the other parent. So incredibly tacky I find it hard to believe someone would actually do this but apparently one poster did.
3. You do not invite then expect reciprocation based on what you think is the right frequency, or amount of money spent. You have no idea of the financial situation of the other child’s parents.
4. Do not expect a child you’ve paid for — even if for years — to remain friends with your child.it’s a social interaction, not indentured servitude. That child is not obligated to you in any way.
5. Do not pay if it will make you resentful.

This is spot on. Common sense and good manners

[Anonymous]

You don't need to take them out for activities, you should allow them to hang out at your house. We rarely take our kids and friends out for activities.