DDs best friend is expensive!

[Anonymous]

DD13’s best friend comes from a LARGE family. They only host DD I’d say 1/20 visits. I often take them to an activity (think movie, to the pool, to roller skate, etc.) and it usually involves feeding them, even if it’s including her in our dinner. The girl never comes with money, and if I suggest something and tell the mother the price, it never fails that she can’t go. It’s the ONLY time her mother doesn’t let her come over, ironically. So I usually end up paying. But it adds up, and we aren't exactly “wealthy”, sorry to say. We never experienced this with our other kids. If we tell DD she can’t come over as much she freaks out! Do we just budget and essentially make this girl one of the family and accept that cost for DD, or do we implement limits? A dollar amount limit? Like, we can spend $100 to have Larla over this month? Help!

[Anonymous]

Her family clearly can't afford these expensive outings. So either pay for them without resentment or plan free things for the girls to do.

[Anonymous]

This happened to us. Large family that kept mooching off of friends. We dropped so much $$ on my daughter’s friend never to be reciprocated. We fed her, took her in vacations and other activities. Always footing the bill because she never showed up with money. Family wasn’t poor but I found out all the kids were being pawned off to their friends. The icing on the cake was when my daughter’s friend ditched her horribly in high school.
It was absolutely brutal and painful what she did and my daughter still feels the pain 2 years later. Draw the line and don’t be suckers like we were.

[Anonymous]

You invite, you should pay or stop inviting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her family clearly can't afford these expensive outings. So either pay for them without resentment or plan free things for the girls to do.

NP and I agree, but at the same time, you sort of have to factor in that you will have to occasionally pay for your child to have a normal social life. I think it’s reasonable for the mother to be expected to pay sometimes.

[Anonymous]

My tween and teen mostly have friends over to our house to pay outside/in the basement and just kind of hang out. I probably buy more snacks because they have friends over and occasionally I will order a pizza but I don’t get always taking them places?

[Anonymous]

I would just stop taking them places that cost money. She can eat dinner with you of course but otherwise they hang out around the house or something.
Also, for perspective, my DS13 never hangs out with anyone outside school. I wouldn’t mind paying for a friend if he had one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You invite, you should pay or stop inviting.

This is just not how it works with teenagers. In fact, OP is doing it wrong.

The two girls should make plans on their own and bring their own money. No one needs to involve moms except to ask for a ride. Most young teens do boring things that are low cost- like go to the mall a zillion times, football games, hang out at shopping centers, hang out at friends, go to school sponsored events.

Maybe OP’s kid can do more expensive things with different friends.

[Anonymous]

Can't they just do something that costs less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't they just do something that costs less?

OP here. I should have clarified that they don’t do things ALL the time, but when they do, the girl never has money, and her mother knows where she’s going.

It’s summer soon and the kids will be going places on their own. Will my DD be expected to cover her friend every time? I mean, how do we handle this?

[Anonymous]

???

I have an 18 and 13 year old, and I’ve never paid for outings like this, OP. During get-togethers, the kids hang out at home, doing whatever, and I cook a meal. Adding one guest to a home-cooked meal is not expensive. We walk the dog in our lovely neighborhood, but we don’t go to movies or shopping, etc with guests.

You need to change the way you host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't they just do something that costs less?

OP here. I should have clarified that they don’t do things ALL the time, but when they do, the girl never has money, and her mother knows where she’s going.

It’s summer soon and the kids will be going places on their own. Will my DD be expected to cover her friend every time? I mean, how do we handle this?

If your daughter wants to invite her to an activity she says “hey do you want to go roller skating? It’s $20.” Honestly though you already know this kid doesn’t have money so to be polite, don’t invite her to expensive things unless you’re treating.

If you were going to give your kid $20 to roller skate and she wants to hang out with her friend, she needs to think of a $10 activity.

[Anonymous]

Just stop doing outings. They can hang out at your house, go to the park, go to the mall and walk around, hang out at starbucks, or whatever young teens do in your hood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:???

I have an 18 and 13 year old, and I’ve never paid for outings like this, OP. During get-togethers, the kids hang out at home, doing whatever, and I cook a meal. Adding one guest to a home-cooked meal is not expensive. We walk the dog in our lovely neighborhood, but we don’t go to movies or shopping, etc with guests.

You need to change the way you host.

Me again. We live in Bethesda, where houses are 1.5 to 3M. I want to reiterate that none of the kids in our circle do money-based activities every time they meet. You’ve got to stop thinking paying for outings is the norm!

[Anonymous]

Find things to do that are free, and maybe you'll see them reciprocating more.

Movie at home (streamed) with dinner and some treats.

Do they play a sport?

Take them to the mall or shopping center to walk around. Maybe give them $15 for bubble tea or whatever (not at mealtime) but what they buy is not up to you.