DDs best friend is expensive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are weird. And many are bizarrely cheap despite their personal wealth.

My kid went with another family down to the mall. My kid wasn't hungry so only ordered a soda at the food trucks. The other mother offered him some of her fried something or other, which he accepted -- because: kid and fried food. AND THEN SHE ASKED HIM FOR MONEY. He felt stupid, so gave her the $10 bill he had in change from the coke. And she kept it all.

WOW. What is wrong with people.

[Anonymous]

Lady, these people can’t afford for their kid to do the activities you want to do. I don’t understand what you don’t understand. If you know she doesn’t have the money and you don’t want to pay for her, why do you keep taking them on these outings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

Who TF asks for $20 for pool food? You can get 2 pizzas and chicken wings from Domino’s for $20, Can make lunch meat sandwiches for 20 people, buy 4 frozen pizzas, make hotdogs for half the pool. Was this child 500 pounds eating for 20? I wouldn’t have invited your kids back either.

We were ordering Mexican. This child went to Chipotle once and ordered everything a la carte.we were with parents and her meal was like $25. She eats an adult meal. $20 is just right imo. It’s what I would send with my kid if I knew she was ordering dinner.

who orders Mexican to the swimming pool? and ordering food is expensive. some people never do it. basically you were expecting them to pay for an extravagance they cannot afford. if you actually wanted your child to keep the friendship you’d work to find affordable activities and gracefully cover when you chose unaffordable ones.

Someone sick of ordering pizza and packing food who has a kid with a bougie friend who likes to up charge everything and feels entitled to order adult meals a La carte style.

Some families go out to eat and let their kids get whatever they want in restaurants. My kids, once they hit elementary school, have always ordered adult meals. They have also dined at fine restaurants (Michelin star rated). I don’t think it would occur to them not to order guacamole on their chipotle because their friend’s parent couldn’t afford it. I usually send them with money but I think until recently they weren’t aware of the income levels of their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD had a friend that she didn't like very much but I thought was a nice kid and a good influence. We paid for that kid outings on multiple occasions, bought her gifts from abroad etc. Fast forward two years, this kid not only ignores my kid at school but also doesn't even say hello to me. She turned out to be really obnoxious.

Why would she say hello to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

Who TF asks for $20 for pool food? You can get 2 pizzas and chicken wings from Domino’s for $20, Can make lunch meat sandwiches for 20 people, buy 4 frozen pizzas, make hotdogs for half the pool. Was this child 500 pounds eating for 20? I wouldn’t have invited your kids back either.

We were ordering Mexican. This child went to Chipotle once and ordered everything a la carte.we were with parents and her meal was like $25. She eats an adult meal. $20 is just right imo. It’s what I would send with my kid if I knew she was ordering dinner.

who orders Mexican to the swimming pool? and ordering food is expensive. some people never do it. basically you were expecting them to pay for an extravagance they cannot afford. if you actually wanted your child to keep the friendship you’d work to find affordable activities and gracefully cover when you chose unaffordable ones.

Someone sick of ordering pizza and packing food who has a kid with a bougie friend who likes to up charge everything and feels entitled to order adult meals a La carte style.

Some families go out to eat and let their kids get whatever they want in restaurants. My kids, once they hit elementary school, have always ordered adult meals. They have also dined at fine restaurants (Michelin star rated). I don’t think it would occur to them not to order guacamole on their chipotle because their friend’s parent couldn’t afford it. I usually send them with money but I think until recently they weren’t aware of the income levels of their friends.

You should teach your kids manners. Mine know one meal, no extras on the cheaper end of the menu, offer to pay which is always declined and say thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one’s stopping you from going to a FREE MUSUEM, or the $2 movies, or movie night at home with microwave popcorn, or spaghetti dinner at home, or play at the park, or go to a farmer’s market, or nail/spa day at home, or sleepover with frozen pizza, or FREE trail hike, or FREE town festival, or low-cost school skate night, or walking around the mall and getting a damn pretzel.

It took me 30 seconds to rattle off a long list of FREE or low-cost activities. What the actual hell is your problem?

(And before you do the predictable accusation, DH and I are wealthy and we host the vast majority of play dates/activities/kid hosting in our group. I threw a huge neighborhood party earlier this month. We are The Hang Out House.)

OP, tell us why you lack basic awareness and imagination to the degree that other people are making up long lists of free or very low-cost things for your kid to do with a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13’s best friend comes from a LARGE family. They only host DD I’d say 1/20 visits. I often take them to an activity (think movie, to the pool, to roller skate, etc.) and it usually involves feeding them, even if it’s including her in our dinner. The girl never comes with money, and if I suggest something and tell the mother the price, it never fails that she can’t go. It’s the ONLY time her mother doesn’t let her come over, ironically. So I usually end up paying. But it adds up, and we aren't exactly “wealthy”, sorry to say. We never experienced this with our other kids. If we tell DD she can’t come over as much she freaks out! Do we just budget and essentially make this girl one of the family and accept that cost for DD, or do we implement limits? A dollar amount limit? Like, we can spend $100 to have Larla over this month? Help!

Or, I don't know, suggest different/less costly/free activities?

[Anonymous]

My best advise is have a conversation about money with your teen child and be very honest. It is very fair for your child to know and understand that her friends’ families are able/willing to budget only so much toward kid activities and your family is only able/willing to budget so much toward kids activities. Your child is old enough to sort out how to choose activities to do with her friends that all of her friend group can afford even if that limits the activities she does. There are plenty of free things tweens can do together. If your child does want to do an activity that costs money, your child needs to know that doing that activity with her friend will cost your family X amount and that your family only budgets a total of ? amount for activities during the month so she needs to sort what activities she most wants to do with her friend that fit in the family budget. It is perfectly reasonable for your family to stop paying for the friend to go to activities but then your family must also accept that the friend will not come to these activities since the friend’s family has demonstrated that they cannot/will not pay.

As an alternative to one off activities that cost money, you could stock your house with more reusable items. For instance, If your child likes roller skating, you could look at buying from a thrift store or used online two pairs of roller skates and keeping the extra that fits her friend at your house as guest skates. If the girls like riding bikes, get two used cheap bikes or the same for scooters. Basically get fun things that can be used more than once and are cheap. You can then donate or sell these items once they are outgrown.

If you are looking for ways the girls can do more out of the house activity together, maybe have them join a Girl Scout troop together. Girl Scouts has all type of scholarship money available so the friend should be able to join for free after filling out some forms. Church youth groups often also have free activities if that is something that would work for both families. I don’t know where you live, but some areas have scholarship for joining rec sports teams.

Having friends with different amounts of money to spend for ‘fun’ is something your child will need to learn to navigate in a compassionate manner that does not mean your child must always pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best advise is have a conversation about money with your teen child and be very honest. It is very fair for your child to know and understand that her friends’ families are able/willing to budget only so much toward kid activities and your family is only able/willing to budget so much toward kids activities. Your child is old enough to sort out how to choose activities to do with her friends that all of her friend group can afford even if that limits the activities she does. There are plenty of free things tweens can do together. If your child does want to do an activity that costs money, your child needs to know that doing that activity with her friend will cost your family X amount and that your family only budgets a total of ? amount for activities during the month so she needs to sort what activities she most wants to do with her friend that fit in the family budget. It is perfectly reasonable for your family to stop paying for the friend to go to activities but then your family must also accept that the friend will not come to these activities since the friend’s family has demonstrated that they cannot/will not pay.

As an alternative to one off activities that cost money, you could stock your house with more reusable items. For instance, If your child likes roller skating, you could look at buying from a thrift store or used online two pairs of roller skates and keeping the extra that fits her friend at your house as guest skates. If the girls like riding bikes, get two used cheap bikes or the same for scooters. Basically get fun things that can be used more than once and are cheap. You can then donate or sell these items once they are outgrown.

If you are looking for ways the girls can do more out of the house activity together, maybe have them join a Girl Scout troop together. Girl Scouts has all type of scholarship money available so the friend should be able to join for free after filling out some forms. Church youth groups often also have free activities if that is something that would work for both families. I don’t know where you live, but some areas have scholarship for joining rec sports teams.

Having friends with different amounts of money to spend for ‘fun’ is something your child will need to learn to navigate in a compassionate manner that does not mean your child must always pay.

It sounds like maybe OPs parents need to sit down and have this conversation with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are weird. And many are bizarrely cheap despite their personal wealth.

My kid went with another family down to the mall. My kid wasn't hungry so only ordered a soda at the food trucks. The other mother offered him some of her fried something or other, which he accepted -- because: kid and fried food. AND THEN SHE ASKED HIM FOR MONEY. He felt stupid, so gave her the $10 bill he had in change from the coke. And she kept it all.

WOW. What is wrong with people.

WOW!!! A friend of mine had a friend in high school who used to call her up and say, hey I need to go to the mall to pick up something for my mom, will you come with me? Then she would go pick up my friend, promptly stop at the gas station, and ask her to split the gas money!!

[Anonymous]

Why can't they just hang out at your house or outside? Why does an outing that costs money have to be involved?

[Anonymous]

Give your daughter an allowance. She can pay for her friend if she wants and run out of money faster or she and the friend can find free things to do or find a way to make money.
Let your daughter handle it within a budget you give her and see what happens. If she gets used and her allowance goes to paying friend’s way instead of buying a Stanley cup or whatever Lululemon thing kids want these days, this is a good age to learn that lesson the hard way.

[Anonymous]

For all the sanctimonious “you host you pay” people (like the mom of a 5 yr old ROFL) there are 13 yr olds. Kids with phones who can make their own plans, earn money, and get an allowance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You’re the problem, OP.

The question is:

Are you a material sort who would rather drop a friend because she can’t pay instead of having free fun?

Because from where I’m sitting, it really sounds like you’re leaning that way, and are passing moral judgement on what’s an economic issue. Which makes you an awful human being, just so you know.

The other PP as well: “waah, I kept expecting reciprocation from a family who couldn’t afford it”. You guys really need to hear yourselves and your privilege.

Agree. Sounds like OP resents the fact that this girls parents have a large family but don’t have the budget for activities.

OP comes across as selfish, judgmental, and uncharitable, even though there is nothing “wrong” with her position.

I disagree. These are 13 yr old girls. My money is on the scenario that OP got duped by “I don’t have money today” a few times or wanted to be a good host when the friendship was new, assuming reciprocal outings were coming. Now she wants to shut it down and do free things but the girls or maybe just the daughter beg and plead and stomp and pout because OP has a track record for giving in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the sanctimonious “you host you pay” people (like the mom of a 5 yr old ROFL) there are 13 yr olds. Kids with phones who can make their own plans, earn money, and get an allowance.

13 year olds cannot earn money easily. We don’t give an allowance. I don’t mind paying for friends if they are out with us. All have been reasonable for the most part.