DDs best friend is expensive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You’re the problem, OP.

The question is:

Are you a material sort who would rather drop a friend because she can’t pay instead of having free fun?

Because from where I’m sitting, it really sounds like you’re leaning that way, and are passing moral judgement on what’s an economic issue. Which makes you an awful human being, just so you know.

The other PP as well: “waah, I kept expecting reciprocation from a family who couldn’t afford it”. You guys really need to hear yourselves and your privilege.

Agree. Sounds like OP resents the fact that this girls parents have a large family but don’t have the budget for activities.

OP comes across as selfish, judgmental, and uncharitable, even though there is nothing “wrong” with her position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't they just do something that costs less?

OP here. I should have clarified that they don’t do things ALL the time, but when they do, the girl never has money, and her mother knows where she’s going.

It’s summer soon and the kids will be going places on their own. Will my DD be expected to cover her friend every time? I mean, how do we handle this?

Is this a nice kid? Someone who is a good friend to your daughter? If the answer is yes, you have to fix your mindset and help them plan low cost opportunities they will enjoy. If this a nice kid, it is your interest to sure stuff like this doesn’t trip up the friendship. My teens still just spend a fair amount of time hanging out in each other’s houses. Expensive activities need not be the norm.

[Anonymous]

Thread #987654321 on “I only hang out with rich people”

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why we don’t have wealthy friends.

[Anonymous]

We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

[Anonymous]

Why are you always doing things that cost money? It sounds like you are setting up a situation that the other family wants no part of - competing to see who can outdo the other. Just let the kids hang out. Feel free to send the kid home for dinner There is no reason this has to cost you a lot of money.

You might find if you switch to things that do not cost money, the other family will host more often. You are basically setting it up so the other kid will want to come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't they just do something that costs less?

OP here. I should have clarified that they don’t do things ALL the time, but when they do, the girl never has money, and her mother knows where she’s going.

It’s summer soon and the kids will be going places on their own. Will my DD be expected to cover her friend every time? I mean, how do we handle this?

This is when it gets easier. When a parent is with them, it is natural for the parent to pay. When it is 2 kids, they gravitate to paying for themselves. If you raised your kid right, they will choose to do something that is free so the other kid can join.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her family clearly can't afford these expensive outings. So either pay for them without resentment or plan free things for the girls to do.

This.

[Anonymous]

You have to tell your DD up front that if she makes plans with a friend, that you will not be paying for the friend. Tell DD when she is making plans with her friend that she should ask the friend if they can go and will her parents give her money to go. If friend says no, then they can make other plans. Drop them off at the movies or other activity but don’t go to the admission or ticket window anymore.

[Anonymous]

I used to pay for DD’s friend to go places. I always gave DD money when the friend’s parents took her places (she older now). It doesn’t bother me because we are rich. Being poor sucks. You sound petty. Do you keep a running tab on her?

[Anonymous]

Don’t kids just hang out? Why do they need to go to a $20-$50 event every weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a situation similar but the other family was wealthy. We have an only and so did they. Made a point of saying in African culture the host pays etc and no don’t send money when DD went to lunch with them. Then I took their kid ice skating, pumpkin patch, science center, lunch and DD literally never got invited anywhere with them after that first lunch. Last time I took her swimming to our outdoor pool last summer I told her Mom to send $20 for dinner because I was going to order. She sent it with the Dad ( he dropped off) and he seemed really weird about giving it to me.
They are at different schools now so don’t really see each other, but just weird.

I think it’s weird you ask for money for an activity you want for your child and are taking a second to entertain yours. $20 for dinner for a child is absurd for the pool. Pack food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't they just do something that costs less?

OP here. I should have clarified that they don’t do things ALL the time, but when they do, the girl never has money, and her mother knows where she’s going.

It’s summer soon and the kids will be going places on their own. Will my DD be expected to cover her friend every time? I mean, how do we handle this?

Give your daughter enough for herself. Encourage your DD to start babysitting once a week in front of the friend. When I was in 9th grade, my best friend and I each babysat for little boys who were friends. We'd put them on the phone with each other for a few minutes each time we babysat. Then after "our" toddlers went to bed we'd sit on the phone with each other while we watched tv for like three hours. Good times!

[Anonymous]

Don't do things that cost much money OP, feed them at home, have them hang out at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her family clearly can't afford these expensive outings. So either pay for them without resentment or plan free things for the girls to do.

NP and I agree, but at the same time, you sort of have to factor in that you will have to occasionally pay for your child to have a normal social life. I think it’s reasonable for the mother to be expected to pay sometimes.

OP says the mom asks and she says no if it's expensive. I don't think most people are so desperate for their kid to go on outing they'd suck up an unreasonable cost. I know I have been in those shoes, could have theoretically paid, but said no bc it's not worth it when my kid could be happy doing something else cheaper or free.