Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM. My DH's check goes into a joint account from which we pay all bills. All our savings accounts are joint and I know exactly how much is in them, and can transfer money in and out as needed. Why won't your DH agree to an arrangement like this? If he truly viewed you as equal partners, you would have as much say over your finances as he does. Marriage is a partnership - some divide the labor by having one working parent and one SAHP while others divide it by both splitting childcare and work outside the home. I would feel very uncomfortable with your situation. It is as though he is treating you as a child and is calling all the shots. I don't think him being stingy is the real problem. It is serious power imbalance that you should address.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is old fashioned. But my view has always been that when you get married you become one unit. That means joint decision-making over the money.

If you decide as a unit that one of you stays home, the money should remain joint. It doesn’t belong to the one that goes out to work.

It isn’t about him being stingy ir not (though he is). It is about your relationship being unequal. That would suck and I wouldn’t put up with it. That said, both of us have always worked in demanding jobs. Not ideal, but it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

[Anonymous]

How about spouse walks you through all your retirement/college savings as a first step?

Also, have DH pay for the big ticket items out of his account. Vacations, camps, etc should go to that.

[Anonymous]

It kind of sounds like he’s involved in something shady (an affair, an addiction, a secret life?). At least, it would look very similar to this if he were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

It's not just the login: it's the account itself that should be joint, under both names. Otherwise he can just change login and move all funds to a private account (including overseas) and you'll be screwed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit.
So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

Why do you trickle down all of your information??
We're how many pages in and you keep adding new information that you should have added on the first page.
Every time you post new information trickles out, I just don't get this.

How cam we be expected to answer your question if you don't ever provide the full context??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

OP: Do whatever works for you. Have you tried putting together an itemized budget for your husband to show where the $3500 is actually going and justifying the need for more? What is his objection to you having more money every month?

No one cares if you work or not. You're being judged here because honestly some of what you're saying sounds a little delusional, to put it frankly. Your volunteer work is not going to affect all our lives all that much - it is a crazily self-aggrandizing thing to say or believe. If you really believe your work is so essential to the wellbeing of your community, run for office there - then you'll get paid, and have the status that you seem to be missing, too.

Your husband's situation just sounds weird. Is he going to be able to make enough part time to actually support the family, until you find work? Will you actually be able to find work? Will you be able to make work fit in with your home responsibilities and the volunteer work? Which part of that will you be stepping back from - and what will your husband step up to do?

Maybe $3500 is enough and maybe it's not! What does your husband think you need to be doing with the money he isn't giving you every month? Is it going into savings for when he leaves his job - or where is it going? What do you need more money for? Can you start working part time now and bring in some extra income, one way or another?

You sound frustrated - understandably. You also sound - I don't know. This all just sounds like it's sort of a house of cards? I hope not for your sake!

He'll apparently be hiring a home manager or housekeeper while he's unemployed and she's working part-time. 🤯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

This is insanity to me.
It's one thing if you tell him that you won't access the account to remove money, but it's a whole nother to NOT be able to access it at all of you wanted to.

You do realize that of he wanted to leave you, he could... you have no idea how much is in the account, you have no idea how to access the account, your name is not on the account, and now you've just told us that he's had that account long before he married you, so you would be wholeheartedly screwed in that situation.

As the pp said, you would need a forensic accountant to find anything out and that would cost YOU at least $100k if he divorces you.

Do you have ANY clue how much is in it -- like any idea or estimate?
Do you know if there's around $8,000 or $80,000 or $800,000 or 8,000,000??
Have you ever seen a statement?
And you've NEVER asked because... why, again?

You say "you're sure" he would give you the account & password (uh, you don't even know the account number!? Do you know what bank is in at least?) if you asked, but ARE you really sure he would? and why again, haven't you asked?

This sounds like complete insanity and just about as perfect a way to get royally s€rewed in a divorce or be royally s€rewing someone else without the little woman ever finding out.

[Anonymous]

* if not of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit.
So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

Why do you trickle down all of your information??
We're how many pages in and you keep adding new information that you should have added on the first page.
Every time you post new information trickles out, I just don't get this.

How cam we be expected to answer your question if you don't ever provide the full context??

First of all, half of what I wrote above, I've said in my OP, but I'm repeating because people just aren't reading closely Second of all, if I wrote a 2 page OP with every single detail, I'm sure everyone would complain it was too long. And I forget that most of the people who come here have vastly different financial and family situations than all of our social circles. None of us have "family money", none of us consider $250k HHI a low income, and most of us have don't have family support - we support our families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

This is insanity to me.
It's one thing if you tell him that you won't access the account to remove money, but it's a whole nother to NOT be able to access it at all of you wanted to.

You do realize that of he wanted to leave you, he could... you have no idea how much is in the account, you have no idea how to access the account, your name is not on the account, and now you've just told us that he's had that account long before he married you, so you would be wholeheartedly screwed in that situation.

As the pp said, you would need a forensic accountant to find anything out and that would cost YOU at least $100k if he divorces you.

Do you have ANY clue how much is in it -- like any idea or estimate?
Do you know if there's around $8,000 or $80,000 or $800,000 or 8,000,000??
Have you ever seen a statement?
And you've NEVER asked because... why, again?

You say "you're sure" he would give you the account & password (uh, you don't even know the account number!? Do you know what bank is in at least?) if you asked, but ARE you really sure he would? and why again, haven't you asked?

This sounds like complete insanity and just about as perfect a way to get royally s€rewed in a divorce or be royally s€rewing someone else without the little woman ever finding out.

I know exactly how much is in the account. If you're telling me I'm putting myself in a vulnerable position, I am listening and willing to learn, if you'd take a pause from berating me and offer some advice. I can ask to have my name put on the account as well, if that makes a difference. I guess I assumed that what's his is ours when we are married, but I really have not done the research on how all that would work out in the event of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

This is insanity to me.
It's one thing if you tell him that you won't access the account to remove money, but it's a whole nother to NOT be able to access it at all of you wanted to.

You do realize that of he wanted to leave you, he could... you have no idea how much is in the account, you have no idea how to access the account, your name is not on the account, and now you've just told us that he's had that account long before he married you, so you would be wholeheartedly screwed in that situation.

As the pp said, you would need a forensic accountant to find anything out and that would cost YOU at least $100k if he divorces you.

Do you have ANY clue how much is in it -- like any idea or estimate?
Do you know if there's around $8,000 or $80,000 or $800,000 or 8,000,000??
Have you ever seen a statement?
And you've NEVER asked because... why, again?

You say "you're sure" he would give you the account & password (uh, you don't even know the account number!? Do you know what bank is in at least?) if you asked, but ARE you really sure he would? and why again, haven't you asked?

This sounds like complete insanity and just about as perfect a way to get royally s€rewed in a divorce or be royally s€rewing someone else without the little woman ever finding out.

I know exactly how much is in the account. If you're telling me I'm putting myself in a vulnerable position, I am listening and willing to learn, if you'd take a pause from berating me and offer some advice. I can ask to have my name put on the account as well, if that makes a difference. I guess I assumed that what's his is ours when we are married, but I really have not done the research on how all that would work out in the event of a divorce.

Yes OP, this is exactly what you should ask him to do. I'm not sure how it even didn't cross your mind! My husband and I went to banks together and had me added to all accounts (his pre-marital account remained separate only his name on it but I still was receiving monthly statements).

Go to bank tomorrow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

This is insanity to me.
It's one thing if you tell him that you won't access the account to remove money, but it's a whole nother to NOT be able to access it at all of you wanted to.

You do realize that of he wanted to leave you, he could... you have no idea how much is in the account, you have no idea how to access the account, your name is not on the account, and now you've just told us that he's had that account long before he married you, so you would be wholeheartedly screwed in that situation.

As the pp said, you would need a forensic accountant to find anything out and that would cost YOU at least $100k if he divorces you.

Do you have ANY clue how much is in it -- like any idea or estimate?
Do you know if there's around $8,000 or $80,000 or $800,000 or 8,000,000??
Have you ever seen a statement?
And you've NEVER asked because... why, again?

You say "you're sure" he would give you the account & password (uh, you don't even know the account number!? Do you know what bank is in at least?) if you asked, but ARE you really sure he would? and why again, haven't you asked?

This sounds like complete insanity and just about as perfect a way to get royally s€rewed in a divorce or be royally s€rewing someone else without the little woman ever finding out.

I know exactly how much is in the account. If you're telling me I'm putting myself in a vulnerable position, I am listening and willing to learn, if you'd take a pause from berating me and offer some advice. I can ask to have my name put on the account as well, if that makes a difference. I guess I assumed that what's his is ours when we are married, but I really have not done the research on how all that would work out in the event of a divorce.

Yes OP, this is exactly what you should ask him to do. I'm not sure how it even didn't cross your mind! My husband and I went to banks together and had me added to all accounts (his pre-marital account remained separate only his name on it but I still was receiving monthly statements).

Go to bank tomorrow

The personal account is a pre-marital account. I guess I'll see what the response is. Maybe we can work this all out as we figure out our financial plan for next year.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

I don't really know how divorce affects financial splits, so I'm curious to know. I don't expect that we will divorce, but I'm not naiive enough to think it could never happen to us.

I don't believe my spouse is intentionally hiding anything from me. If I ask, I'm told exactly how much is in the account, and if I were to ask for a login and pw to the account, I'm sure I would be given it, I just haven't done so. It could be a control thing, but not in a malicious way, more in a way of my spouse just likes to remain in control of their financial future, and a dislike for changing the way they've done things for all their lives.

This is insanity to me.
It's one thing if you tell him that you won't access the account to remove money, but it's a whole nother to NOT be able to access it at all of you wanted to.

You do realize that of he wanted to leave you, he could... you have no idea how much is in the account, you have no idea how to access the account, your name is not on the account, and now you've just told us that he's had that account long before he married you, so you would be wholeheartedly screwed in that situation.

As the pp said, you would need a forensic accountant to find anything out and that would cost YOU at least $100k if he divorces you.

Do you have ANY clue how much is in it -- like any idea or estimate?
Do you know if there's around $8,000 or $80,000 or $800,000 or 8,000,000??
Have you ever seen a statement?
And you've NEVER asked because... why, again?

You say "you're sure" he would give you the account & password (uh, you don't even know the account number!? Do you know what bank is in at least?) if you asked, but ARE you really sure he would? and why again, haven't you asked?

This sounds like complete insanity and just about as perfect a way to get royally s€rewed in a divorce or be royally s€rewing someone else without the little woman ever finding out.

I know exactly how much is in the account. If you're telling me I'm putting myself in a vulnerable position, I am listening and willing to learn, if you'd take a pause from berating me and offer some advice. I can ask to have my name put on the account as well, if that makes a difference. I guess I assumed that what's his is ours when we are married, but I really have not done the research on how all that would work out in the event of a divorce.

Yes OP, this is exactly what you should ask him to do. I'm not sure how it even didn't cross your mind! My husband and I went to banks together and had me added to all accounts (his pre-marital account remained separate only his name on it but I still was receiving monthly statements).

Go to bank tomorrow

The personal account is a pre-marital account. I guess I'll see what the response is. Maybe we can work this all out as we figure out our financial plan for next year.

He should have kept funds that were there prior to marriage and opened a new joint account for all post marital savings first week you got married. What he does now is depositing all marital savings into account that’s individual so he could commingle with premarital funds and later argue it’s all separate.

OP you know you are screwed and don’t want to argue with him, this you keep delaying this big convo till next year.