Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal.
While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

I'll say it again, this is banana-balls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

Classic “if I didn’t stay home my husband would have been a failure at work”. Listen, if that’s what you have to say to yourself to justify your choices, have at at. But it’s 2023. Many if not most of the highest professional achievers have working spouses. No one needs a wifey at home to do well in their jobs. I am surrounded by highly successful colleagues - men and women - who manage to attend soccer games, plan camps and grocery shop. It’s far more likely that your dh is lazy as F and just doesn’t want to do this stuff.

Wrong. Sorry it doesn’t fit your narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife stays at home and has full access to all the money. All of my income (750k-1mil) goes into two separate joint accounts.
She doesn’t need to check in with me or ask to spend anything. I don’t even look at the accounts.

If I acted like your husband does, I would feel like a controlling ahole. And that is not the type of marriage I want.

This. It’s also demeaning to have to ask for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

So what happens when you go to work? All the home things get outsourced on less income and you'll still have to do dishes every night? $3500 is not a lot. We keep to so $4500 for all those things and out HHi is higher. But out HHI is almost evenly split and both partners do a lot of house things. Dh does laundry and 1/3 the shopping and some cooking etc. and we both volunteer on PTA and other things. I don't understand your plans when your husband quits. What will you live on for however many months you will get a job? Will you step into a $200k job immediately? Start job hunting mow, maybe do some overlap with you DH or at least part time if available and see how your lives work $ wise and home wise with thst set up.

[Anonymous]

OP my exH did the same "switching to flexible job" stint on me, and started controlling spending unjustifiably 3 years prior to divorce. It coincided with the beginning of an affair with a woman he later married. His main goal was to limit my access to cash in years preceding divorce so I wouldn't hire a good lawyer, and to pay less alimony and CS. He did get off the hook for alimony after16 years long marriage where I was pulling all the hard work at home. And I was NEVER SAHM, we just had a large income discrepancy

I would RUN looking for a another job, if s..t like that starts happening!

[Anonymous]

You should start stashing away some secret money. He is controlling and stingy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

OP: Do whatever works for you. Have you tried putting together an itemized budget for your husband to show where the $3500 is actually going and justifying the need for more? What is his objection to you having more money every month?

No one cares if you work or not. You're being judged here because honestly some of what you're saying sounds a little delusional, to put it frankly. Your volunteer work is not going to affect all our lives all that much - it is a crazily self-aggrandizing thing to say or believe. If you really believe your work is so essential to the wellbeing of your community, run for office there - then you'll get paid, and have the status that you seem to be missing, too.

Your husband's situation just sounds weird. Is he going to be able to make enough part time to actually support the family, until you find work? Will you actually be able to find work? Will you be able to make work fit in with your home responsibilities and the volunteer work? Which part of that will you be stepping back from - and what will your husband step up to do?

Maybe $3500 is enough and maybe it's not! What does your husband think you need to be doing with the money he isn't giving you every month? Is it going into savings for when he leaves his job - or where is it going? What do you need more money for? Can you start working part time now and bring in some extra income, one way or another?

You sound frustrated - understandably. You also sound - I don't know. This all just sounds like it's sort of a house of cards? I hope not for your sake!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

OP: Do whatever works for you. Have you tried putting together an itemized budget for your husband to show where the $3500 is actually going and justifying the need for more? What is his objection to you having more money every month?

No one cares if you work or not. You're being judged here because honestly some of what you're saying sounds a little delusional, to put it frankly. Your volunteer work is not going to affect all our lives all that much - it is a crazily self-aggrandizing thing to say or believe. If you really believe your work is so essential to the wellbeing of your community, run for office there - then you'll get paid, and have the status that you seem to be missing, too.

Your husband's situation just sounds weird. Is he going to be able to make enough part time to actually support the family, until you find work? Will you actually be able to find work? Will you be able to make work fit in with your home responsibilities and the volunteer work? Which part of that will you be stepping back from - and what will your husband step up to do?

Maybe $3500 is enough and maybe it's not! What does your husband think you need to be doing with the money he isn't giving you every month? Is it going into savings for when he leaves his job - or where is it going? What do you need more money for? Can you start working part time now and bring in some extra income, one way or another?

You sound frustrated - understandably. You also sound - I don't know. This all just sounds like it's sort of a house of cards? I hope not for your sake!

My spouse and I have to sit and talk through all this, and plan things out, well before our HHI takes a big shift next year. For now, the money that's not being used is just sitting there in my spouse's savings, collecting very quickly, I'd say gaining at about 8k/month. I think my spouse just wants that financial cushion to be able to have some downtime to figure out their next career move, and also wants it to just give us more financial freedom and options to do the things we really want to do and spend our money on. And doesn't want high monthly expenses to shackle us and limit our options. I could potentially start working part time now, and may just do that.

Also, I didn't want to divulge, but I did run for office and now work as an elected official, but it doesn't pay. I think a lot of people don't know that unless they live in a major city, their locally elected officials are either getting paid pennies to do do the work they do (like $3-5k a year), or they get paid nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

So what happens when you go to work? All the home things get outsourced on less income and you'll still have to do dishes every night? $3500 is not a lot. We keep to so $4500 for all those things and out HHi is higher. But out HHI is almost evenly split and both partners do a lot of house things. Dh does laundry and 1/3 the shopping and some cooking etc. and we both volunteer on PTA and other things. I don't understand your plans when your husband quits. What will you live on for however many months you will get a job? Will you step into a $200k job immediately? Start job hunting mow, maybe do some overlap with you DH or at least part time if available and see how your lives work $ wise and home wise with thst set up.

We have a lot of savings to live on. Also, if we keep our expenses down, we could probably live comfortably enough where we are with a $140k HHI, while still contributing to our retirement and college fund. It will take many years for me to be able to increase my salary. I don't really know if I'll ever be able to work full time while our kids are living at home, but once they leave the nest, I will definitely be able to go full time. If I stay in my field, I won't ever be able to make more than $130k. If I want to make more, I'll have to make a career shift.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have access/login and checkbook to the account where your spouse keeps the $8/k savings? If not, sorry to break it but it will be extremely easy for him to clear the account in the event of divorce and you would have to spend hundreds of thousands to recover it or get a higher share in other assets to compensate you. That all sounds super fishy to me with his plans to scale back his work, controlling you, and not being really involved in family and childcare.

Fishy how? No I don't have access to the personal account. I only have access to the shared family account.

In marriage all accounts are joint property. Regardless on whose name it is. I just explained to your above that you basically don't have access to a major account with ALL family liquid savings. You are either naive or a total fool to enable it, and believe that he doesn't have any back thoughts about your marriage future. Do you have 100K to spend on lawyers and forensic accountants to see how much was in that account and get your 50% ? That would take 2-3 years of litigation. And this is why he keeps it separate. There could be individual accounts in marriage for small expenses like hobbies, presents etc but major savings should be kept on a joint account, particular when one spouse is SAH.

I would NEVER be able to sleep well at night having kids, no job and such financial setup in marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

OP: Do whatever works for you. Have you tried putting together an itemized budget for your husband to show where the $3500 is actually going and justifying the need for more? What is his objection to you having more money every month?

No one cares if you work or not. You're being judged here because honestly some of what you're saying sounds a little delusional, to put it frankly. Your volunteer work is not going to affect all our lives all that much - it is a crazily self-aggrandizing thing to say or believe. If you really believe your work is so essential to the wellbeing of your community, run for office there - then you'll get paid, and have the status that you seem to be missing, too.

Your husband's situation just sounds weird. Is he going to be able to make enough part time to actually support the family, until you find work? Will you actually be able to find work? Will you be able to make work fit in with your home responsibilities and the volunteer work? Which part of that will you be stepping back from - and what will your husband step up to do?

Maybe $3500 is enough and maybe it's not! What does your husband think you need to be doing with the money he isn't giving you every month? Is it going into savings for when he leaves his job - or where is it going? What do you need more money for? Can you start working part time now and bring in some extra income, one way or another?

You sound frustrated - understandably. You also sound - I don't know. This all just sounds like it's sort of a house of cards? I hope not for your sake!

My spouse and I have to sit and talk through all this, and plan things out, well before our HHI takes a big shift next year. For now, the money that's not being used is just sitting there in my spouse's savings, collecting very quickly, I'd say gaining at about 8k/month. I think my spouse just wants that financial cushion to be able to have some downtime to figure out their next career move, and also wants it to just give us more financial freedom and options to do the things we really want to do and spend our money on. And doesn't want high monthly expenses to shackle us and limit our options. I could potentially start working part time now, and may just do that.

Also, I didn't want to divulge, but I did run for office and now work as an elected official, but it doesn't pay. I think a lot of people don't know that unless they live in a major city, their locally elected officials are either getting paid pennies to do do the work they do (like $3-5k a year), or they get paid nothing

I'm the PP - and it's great you're an office-holder! Will you be able to leverage your experience and contacts into paying work once you need that?

It doesn't sound crazy to me that your husband is squirreling away money now, while planning to drop out of the work force pretty soon. It does sound like an evidence based conversation might help your situation. If you can show him that $1k/month more toward your expenses won't put your family at risk once he leaves this job, but will go toward XYZ things that will improve your quality of life, then maybe you can come to some meeting of the minds here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

There is no family money. We both had nearly full ride scholarships for undergrad. My spouse had a full scholarship for graduate. And then racked up a ton of debt for post-graduate education, but recently got the remainder of those loans forgiven because my spouse is employed at a non-profit. We scrimped and saved in our early years together when we weren't making much. We paid for our own wedding on a very small budget. We bought an old house within our means, and then paid it off when the markets were crap because we thought it would be better than investing our savings. And also, ultimately, we got lucky and invested our savings well.

As for the boards and committees, the work I do determines the future of the place you live.

And for heaven's sake, it's not that I don't think we can't live on $3500/month. We could if we had to. But that's my point, we don't HAVE to. I honestly don't understand what you all are saying. Are you all saying that $250k/yr isn't a lot of money? It is to me. And that $3500/month is too much to spend for that salary? That's only 25% of the take home pay. And that $3500 includes a whole lot of expenses and incidentals (way more than just groceries and utilities), and also includes medical/dental bills, gifts to our families, and often paying for things like vacation or meal expenses for our family members who don't have the means to pay, and charity donations.

I started working 7 years before my spouse started working, and I've put in 15 full-time working years so far, and my spouse has put in 19. Now my spouse wants to step back which I support. And I want to step back IN. Partly because working is more interesting and engaging and rewarding than the day-to-day grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and serving our non-appreciative kids who complain about my cooking and cleaning and parenting. Partly because I'd like more financial control and spending power. And partly because of people like you all who judge someone who doesn't bring in a paycheck. But I'm not going back to work because our household needs the money. My spouse doesn't even want me to go back to work, and therein lies a bit of my anxiety because I think my spouse has gotten used to a certain split of responsiblitiies.

And frankly, there are just some things that my spouse cannot or will not do, and I'm not making excuses. Has certain exceptional strengths, but also certain exceptional weaknesses that make domestic life not a great fit. So I think I'd have to plan to hire a home manager or housekeeper.

OP: Do whatever works for you. Have you tried putting together an itemized budget for your husband to show where the $3500 is actually going and justifying the need for more? What is his objection to you having more money every month?

No one cares if you work or not. You're being judged here because honestly some of what you're saying sounds a little delusional, to put it frankly. Your volunteer work is not going to affect all our lives all that much - it is a crazily self-aggrandizing thing to say or believe. If you really believe your work is so essential to the wellbeing of your community, run for office there - then you'll get paid, and have the status that you seem to be missing, too.

Your husband's situation just sounds weird. Is he going to be able to make enough part time to actually support the family, until you find work? Will you actually be able to find work? Will you be able to make work fit in with your home responsibilities and the volunteer work? Which part of that will you be stepping back from - and what will your husband step up to do?

Maybe $3500 is enough and maybe it's not! What does your husband think you need to be doing with the money he isn't giving you every month? Is it going into savings for when he leaves his job - or where is it going? What do you need more money for? Can you start working part time now and bring in some extra income, one way or another?

You sound frustrated - understandably. You also sound - I don't know. This all just sounds like it's sort of a house of cards? I hope not for your sake!

My spouse and I have to sit and talk through all this, and plan things out, well before our HHI takes a big shift next year. For now, the money that's not being used is just sitting there in my spouse's savings, collecting very quickly, I'd say gaining at about 8k/month. I think my spouse just wants that financial cushion to be able to have some downtime to figure out their next career move, and also wants it to just give us more financial freedom and options to do the things we really want to do and spend our money on. And doesn't want high monthly expenses to shackle us and limit our options. I could potentially start working part time now, and may just do that.

Also, I didn't want to divulge, but I did run for office and now work as an elected official, but it doesn't pay. I think a lot of people don't know that unless they live in a major city, their locally elected officials are either getting paid pennies to do do the work they do (like $3-5k a year), or they get paid nothing

I'm the PP - and it's great you're an office-holder! Will you be able to leverage your experience and contacts into paying work once you need that?

It doesn't sound crazy to me that your husband is squirreling away money now, while planning to drop out of the work force pretty soon. It does sound like an evidence based conversation might help your situation. If you can show him that $1k/month more toward your expenses won't put your family at risk once he leaves this job, but will go toward XYZ things that will improve your quality of life, then maybe you can come to some meeting of the minds here.

^ But also, I have to say, I really agree with the others that I would NOT be comfortable with all this $ going into an account I can't even see. The situation as you're describing it just does not sound good - financially, but more importantly relationship-wise. You need more transparency here. For your own sake, however confident you feel here, get that transparency.