Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

This sounds banana-balls.
So, we're just over here quitting jobs before we have another one, while the other parent doesn't work, but will "start interviewing" after he's already quit, but he might have a new part time gig while figuring something out?

Girl, this has better be satire.

My spouse’s job has zero flexibility meaning there is zero time to even look for another job. So has to quit to look. Also just wants time off.

Like I said, my spouse has plenty of liquid assets and savings so we have enough to live on for 1-1.5years even if neither of us worked.

Your dh is full of shit. I’m a big law partner with a special needs kid. My best friend is a doctor with three kids. We both have super time intensive jobs in different ways. We still get everything done (household and kids) and periodically even change jobs and buy houses and handle other massive obligations. You say your Dh doesn’t even help at all at home. He’s full of shit that he needs to quit to job hunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

This sounds banana-balls.
So, we're just over here quitting jobs before we have another one, while the other parent doesn't work, but will "start interviewing" after he's already quit, but he might have a new part time gig while figuring something out?

Girl, this has better be satire.

+1. If this is legit, you are both terrible decision makers. And you are going to end up back at work and doing 100% of the home stuff. This guy is using financial control over you.

It’s not a terrible decision. Correction from my above estimate, we potentially have enough to live on for almost 3 yrs. There are other not-as-liquid assets we could tap into. Without touching anything close to pension, retirement, or college funds.

Spouse has an in demand job and will very easily find part time work that we can live on comfortably enough. We have no mortgage payments or school loan payments anymore, so we have the flexibility to do something like this.

The hardest part for us, I think will be the shifting of roles and responsibilities. And yeah part of it is that I miss earning money.

This sounds like a terrible plan - but, forget that. Is there a reason you can't get a job now?

I hate to say this - but if your HHI is $250k, what will it be once your spouse is only working part time? Our HHI is $250k with both of us working - and we don't have kids - and I'd say we're very comfortable but it's not like every month we're rolling around in extra money wondering where to burn it. We're still paying off a house - and I guess you're not - so that factors in. But $250k isn't, like, burning cash in the fire pit type of money. It's buy the expensive cheese when you want it money, and sure get the nicer socks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

This sounds banana-balls.
So, we're just over here quitting jobs before we have another one, while the other parent doesn't work, but will "start interviewing" after he's already quit, but he might have a new part time gig while figuring something out?

Girl, this has better be satire.

My spouse’s job has zero flexibility meaning there is zero time to even look for another job. So has to quit to look. Also just wants time off.

Like I said, my spouse has plenty of liquid assets and savings so we have enough to live on for 1-1.5years even if neither of us worked.

Lady you’re a moron. Why aren’t you job hunting now?

And sahms whose husbands make only $250k aren’t doing important board and nonprofit-forming work. That’s just the garbage you’re doing to fill your day. You quit that stuff and get a job, since you obviously need the money. And do it now.

And don’t write back here in a year when your dh quits that you couldn’t find a good job and now there’s no money and your dh is really withholding cash from you.

Why would I job hunt for a job that I can’t start for another year? And my point is, we don’t need the money. We can get by on just my spouse’s income, even at part time. The problem is, my spouse, is only making $3500/month available to cover all the bills and monthly expenses, camps and home improvements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

This sounds banana-balls.
So, we're just over here quitting jobs before we have another one, while the other parent doesn't work, but will "start interviewing" after he's already quit, but he might have a new part time gig while figuring something out?

Girl, this has better be satire.

+1. If this is legit, you are both terrible decision makers. And you are going to end up back at work and doing 100% of the home stuff. This guy is using financial control over you.

It’s not a terrible decision. Correction from my above estimate, we potentially have enough to live on for almost 3 yrs. There are other not-as-liquid assets we could tap into. Without touching anything close to pension, retirement, or college funds.

Spouse has an in demand job and will very easily find part time work that we can live on comfortably enough. We have no mortgage payments or school loan payments anymore, so we have the flexibility to do something like this.

The hardest part for us, I think will be the shifting of roles and responsibilities. And yeah part of it is that I miss earning money.

This sounds like a terrible plan - but, forget that. Is there a reason you can't get a job now?

I hate to say this - but if your HHI is $250k, what will it be once your spouse is only working part time? Our HHI is $250k with both of us working - and we don't have kids - and I'd say we're very comfortable but it's not like every month we're rolling around in extra money wondering where to burn it. We're still paying off a house - and I guess you're not - so that factors in. But $250k isn't, like, burning cash in the fire pit type of money. It's buy the expensive cheese when you want it money, and sure get the nicer socks.

I can’t have a job now because my spouse’s job has zero flexibility. No sick days, no personal days, and vacation days have to be scheduled almost a year in advance. It’s untenable to have two working spouses when you have multiple children, an old house where things go wrong, aging parents that are constantly going to the hospital, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

This sounds banana-balls.
So, we're just over here quitting jobs before we have another one, while the other parent doesn't work, but will "start interviewing" after he's already quit, but he might have a new part time gig while figuring something out?

Girl, this has better be satire.

+1. If this is legit, you are both terrible decision makers. And you are going to end up back at work and doing 100% of the home stuff. This guy is using financial control over you.

It’s not a terrible decision. Correction from my above estimate, we potentially have enough to live on for almost 3 yrs. There are other not-as-liquid assets we could tap into. Without touching anything close to pension, retirement, or college funds.

Spouse has an in demand job and will very easily find part time work that we can live on comfortably enough. We have no mortgage payments or school loan payments anymore, so we have the flexibility to do something like this.

The hardest part for us, I think will be the shifting of roles and responsibilities. And yeah part of it is that I miss earning money.

This sounds like a terrible plan - but, forget that. Is there a reason you can't get a job now?

I hate to say this - but if your HHI is $250k, what will it be once your spouse is only working part time? Our HHI is $250k with both of us working - and we don't have kids - and I'd say we're very comfortable but it's not like every month we're rolling around in extra money wondering where to burn it. We're still paying off a house - and I guess you're not - so that factors in. But $250k isn't, like, burning cash in the fire pit type of money. It's buy the expensive cheese when you want it money, and sure get the nicer socks.

I can’t have a job now because my spouse’s job has zero flexibility. No sick days, no personal days, and vacation days have to be scheduled almost a year in advance. It’s untenable to have two working spouses when you have multiple children, an old house where things go wrong, aging parents that are constantly going to the hospital, etc, etc.

What is your field? What job do you plan to get once your spouse quits (!) his job?

I'm sorry about your parents going to the hospital - aging parents is no joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse is being financially controlling which is a power move. Whether you are presently working or not is irrelevant. You are a team, and you are currently contributing to the household by being fully responsible for childcare which is an important and significant contribution. You are entitled to a full understanding of your finances as well as an equal say in how the money is apportioned and spent or saved. Your marriage is a partnership, and one spouse does not dictate to the other.

It matters because she needs to be able to support herself and her kids. She is not in a healthy relationship with a good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife stays at home and has full access to all the money. All of my income (750k-1mil) goes into two separate joint accounts.
She doesn’t need to check in with me or ask to spend anything. I don’t even look at the accounts.

If I acted like your husband does, I would feel like a controlling ahole. And that is not the type of marriage I want.

Well, I guess I am a controlling ahole. DH is bad at financial planning and he often does not think about the consequences of spendings. He is a great father and husband, but very bad at finances. So, we have agreed that I control finances. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Op here. By the way, psa for all of the responders who are poo-pooing volunteer and non profit work. Sorry, but those are the jobs that are literally making the world go round. Take that away and you will very quickly see how much our society is hugely dependent on people who are willing to give their time and energy to help their community.

If you think the almighty dollar is the only way to add value to your family, society, and self worth, you are very sorely mistaken. But sadly that is how much of our society has been taught and it’s a shame.

[Anonymous]

$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. By the way, psa for all of the responders who are poo-pooing volunteer and non profit work. Sorry, but those are the jobs that are literally making the world go round. Take that away and you will very quickly see how much our society is hugely dependent on people who are willing to give their time and energy to help their community.

If you think the almighty dollar is the only way to add value to your family, society, and self worth, you are very sorely mistaken. But sadly that is how much of our society has been taught and it’s a shame.

I get what you are saying here, but the poster who said that these aren’t jobs for SAHMs with an HHI of $250k is right.
If nothing else, this probably puts you in contact with people who have a lot more money than you do, and that’s part of the reason that it feels like you are pinching pennies.
You would almost certainly be happier with a part time job that made you that $500/month that you need and put you in touch with people who make less than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. By the way, psa for all of the responders who are poo-pooing volunteer and non profit work. Sorry, but those are the jobs that are literally making the world go round. Take that away and you will very quickly see how much our society is hugely dependent on people who are willing to give their time and energy to help their community.

If you think the almighty dollar is the only way to add value to your family, society, and self worth, you are very sorely mistaken. But sadly that is how much of our society has been taught and it’s a shame.

I get what you are saying here, but the poster who said that these aren’t jobs for SAHMs with an HHI of $250k is right.
If nothing else, this probably puts you in contact with people who have a lot more money than you do, and that’s part of the reason that it feels like you are pinching pennies.
You would almost certainly be happier with a part time job that made you that $500/month that you need and put you in touch with people who make less than you do.

Point taken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

This sounds banana-balls.
So, we're just over here quitting jobs before we have another one, while the other parent doesn't work, but will "start interviewing" after he's already quit, but he might have a new part time gig while figuring something out?

Girl, this has better be satire.

+1. If this is legit, you are both terrible decision makers. And you are going to end up back at work and doing 100% of the home stuff. This guy is using financial control over you.

It’s not a terrible decision. Correction from my above estimate, we potentially have enough to live on for almost 3 yrs. There are other not-as-liquid assets we could tap into. Without touching anything close to pension, retirement, or college funds.

Spouse has an in demand job and will very easily find part time work that we can live on comfortably enough. We have no mortgage payments or school loan payments anymore, so we have the flexibility to do something like this.

The hardest part for us, I think will be the shifting of roles and responsibilities. And yeah part of it is that I miss earning money.

This sounds like a terrible plan - but, forget that. Is there a reason you can't get a job now?

I hate to say this - but if your HHI is $250k, what will it be once your spouse is only working part time? Our HHI is $250k with both of us working - and we don't have kids - and I'd say we're very comfortable but it's not like every month we're rolling around in extra money wondering where to burn it. We're still paying off a house - and I guess you're not - so that factors in. But $250k isn't, like, burning cash in the fire pit type of money. It's buy the expensive cheese when you want it money, and sure get the nicer socks.

This made me laugh. It’s true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse makes over $250k salary, we've paid off all our debts, and will only put $3500 a month in our shared account to pay for all our groceries, utilities, car insurance, car maintenance, kids camps and activities, medical bills, clothing, birthday gifts, books, toys, home furnishings, school supplies, babysitter fees, etc. And complains whenever I ask to replenish the account, after making a big purchase, like booking a family vacation or paying for kids camp fees. I try to keep our grocery bill down as best as I can and try to get free or cheap second hand clothing to keep costs down, but it is getting harder and harder and I'm getting more and more resentful.

The thing is, there are weekly Amazon deliveries coming to my spouse, and I never say a word. But they are definitely for unnecessary frivolous fun things or hobbies, while I am spending on things like frying pans and dishwashing detergent.

How much is your monthly take home after taxes? 250k would most likely be around $6,500 a month with a bump when you max out on ss. How much more do you think you need? $5k? Go to have a sit down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

He might think these are reasonable trade-offs. He might be thinking that you eat beans and rice most nights so that sometimes it’s okay to splurge on a fancy meal. Or that you dress the kids in used clothing so that you can spend that money on a vacation to Costa Rica or whatever. He might also think that saving money on these things is you financial contribution as a SAH parent.
It might seem obvious to you that you would rather spend more day to day and not have these luxury items, but it might not be as obvious to him.