Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

My spouse makes over $250k salary, we've paid off all our debts, and will only put $3500 a month in our shared account to pay for all our groceries, utilities, car insurance, car maintenance, kids camps and activities, medical bills, clothing, birthday gifts, books, toys, home furnishings, school supplies, babysitter fees, etc. And complains whenever I ask to replenish the account, after making a big purchase, like booking a family vacation or paying for kids camp fees. I try to keep our grocery bill down as best as I can and try to get free or cheap second hand clothing to keep costs down, but it is getting harder and harder and I'm getting more and more resentful.

The thing is, there are weekly Amazon deliveries coming to my spouse, and I never say a word. But they are definitely for unnecessary frivolous fun things or hobbies, while I am spending on things like frying pans and dishwashing detergent.

[Anonymous]

Does he pay the mortgage and other things? How much are you contributing?

[Anonymous]

The concerning thing is that you don’t know how the family money is being spent. Retirement and college planning is critical. You should be a key participant in the overall financial budgeting and setting of priorities.

I don’t think you spouse is necessarily being stingy but he is being controlling and potentially selfish and abusive.

[Anonymous]

Do you work, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The concerning thing is that you don’t know how the family money is being spent. Retirement and college planning is critical. You should be a key participant in the overall financial budgeting and setting of priorities.

I don’t think you spouse is necessarily being stingy but he is being controlling and potentially selfish and abusive.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay the mortgage and other things? How much are you contributing?

The mortgage is all paid off, but my spouse still pays property taxes. I'm contributing 0 financially currently, but I'm also home with the kids, and taking care of most of the home stuff, and do volunteering. Next year, my spouse is going to go part time, so I will need to plan to re-enter the workforce at that time. My spouse's job is completely inflexible currently so it would be very difficult to make it work with two working parents.

[Anonymous]

If OP is a SAHM then it sounds like Dh is treating that account as her allowance but also the household account. Meaning if there is an agreed upon expense for the kids, like camp, then OP just has to make do with less that month for food and supplies. Those big ticket expenses and emergencies like car repairs should be budgeted separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The concerning thing is that you don’t know how the family money is being spent. Retirement and college planning is critical. You should be a key participant in the overall financial budgeting and setting of priorities.

I don’t think you spouse is necessarily being stingy but he is being controlling and potentially selfish and abusive.

Retirement and college funds are being maxed out through the 401k. My spouse keeps too many liquid assets so I have been giving reminders to put those into CDs but that hasn't happened yet.

Meanwhile I am overdrawing our shared bank account every few months because it keeps running low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay the mortgage and other things? How much are you contributing?

The mortgage is all paid off, but my spouse still pays property taxes. I'm contributing 0 financially currently, but I'm also home with the kids, and taking care of most of the home stuff, and do volunteering. Next year, my spouse is going to go part time, so I will need to plan to re-enter the workforce at that time. My spouse's job is completely inflexible currently so it would be very difficult to make it work with two working parents.

Just watch. When you are working again he'll expect all your income to be used on house and kid stuff but his money will be held aside for his stupid hobbies. He isn't going to let you put him on an allowance and blow your money on spa days.

[Anonymous]

He's gently encouraging you to rein in the spending.

$40K/yr plus $10K property taxes plus $20K-$40K maxing out 401k (plus college fund contributions?) + previously overpaying the mortgage(?)

How expensive are these Amazon purchases?

[Anonymous]

He's not stingy. You need a job.

[Anonymous]

Having kids costs money. I don’t think it is fair to expect one parent to take on 100% of that responsibility. Just like one parent shouldn’t take on 100% of all hands on time.

You need to contribute to the financial expenses of being an adult / having kids. That is great he is reducing to hours to be more hands on.

I don’t think you can complain when your contributions are zero. Just like a 0% hands on parent can’t complain about how the 100% parent is parenting. If you want say, contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids costs money. I don’t think it is fair to expect one parent to take on 100% of that responsibility. Just like one parent shouldn’t take on 100% of all hands on time.

You need to contribute to the financial expenses of being an adult / having kids. That is great he is reducing to hours to be more hands on.

I don’t think you can complain when your contributions are zero. Just like a 0% hands on parent can’t complain about how the 100% parent is parenting. If you want say, contribute.

This is insane.

Should he get zero say in how the kids are raised, since she’s doing all the childcare?

Some of y’all are demented.

[Anonymous]

My wife stays at home and has full access to all the money. All of my income (750k-1mil) goes into two separate joint accounts.
She doesn’t need to check in with me or ask to spend anything. I don’t even look at the accounts.

If I acted like your husband does, I would feel like a controlling ahole. And that is not the type of marriage I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids costs money. I don’t think it is fair to expect one parent to take on 100% of that responsibility. Just like one parent shouldn’t take on 100% of all hands on time.

You need to contribute to the financial expenses of being an adult / having kids. That is great he is reducing to hours to be more hands on.

I don’t think you can complain when your contributions are zero. Just like a 0% hands on parent can’t complain about how the 100% parent is parenting. If you want say, contribute.

This is insane.

Should he get zero say in how the kids are raised, since she’s doing all the childcare?

Some of y’all are demented.

If a parent does zero in terms of hands on care - never interacts with their kids, doesn't ever lift a finger, literally 0% - then no, they don't get say in how the kids are raised. If they want a say, they can be involved and drive the kids or do the laundry or make a lunch or change a diaper or read a bedtime story or cuddle on the couch or actually get to know their kids and be involved with them.