Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

Classic “if I didn’t stay home my husband would have been a failure at work”. Listen, if that’s what you have to say to yourself to justify your choices, have at at. But it’s 2023. Many if not most of the highest professional achievers have working spouses. No one needs a wifey at home to do well in their jobs. I am surrounded by highly successful colleagues - men and women - who manage to attend soccer games, plan camps and grocery shop. It’s far more likely that your dh is lazy as F and just doesn’t want to do this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

Her husband is making $250k. I make the same amount, but as a single parent. I shop, meal plan and cook. I throw birthday parties, and buy gifts for other kids. I decorate and make costumes for Halloween. I decorate for and buy presents for Christmas. I take care of my home and lawn maintenance.

If her husband were bringing in real money (like maybe yours is), I would buy the fact that she is facilitating that. But $250k is a pretty normal 40 hour/week salary in this town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. By the way, psa for all of the responders who are poo-pooing volunteer and non profit work. Sorry, but those are the jobs that are literally making the world go round. Take that away and you will very quickly see how much our society is hugely dependent on people who are willing to give their time and energy to help their community.

If you think the almighty dollar is the only way to add value to your family, society, and self worth, you are very sorely mistaken. But sadly that is how much of our society has been taught and it’s a shame.

What in the world? You're here griping that you "only" have $3500 a month for expenses bu you're all defensive about your unpaid work which is a primary part of why you only have $3500 a month to spend. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

What's his answer when you point this out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

Her husband is making $250k. I make the same amount, but as a single parent. I shop, meal plan and cook. I throw birthday parties, and buy gifts for other kids. I decorate and make costumes for Halloween. I decorate for and buy presents for Christmas. I take care of my home and lawn maintenance.

If her husband were bringing in real money (like maybe yours is), I would buy the fact that she is facilitating that. But $250k is a pretty normal 40 hour/week salary in this town.

Completely agree. Also a single parent with the same base salary. And I have solo custody. Many women who quit weren’t bringing in a lot of $ anyway (like OP). Or they couldn’t wait to pop out kids so they could quit working. Then they get a rude awakening when they try to rejoin the workforce at an inflated salary. Obviously this doesn’t apply to women who quit when they were at the peak of their career. That’s a different situation.

[Anonymous]

I have seen many many sahms fall into this type of dynamic. I think it is mean and not fair, but very hard to change.
I’ve had this too but I also had other issues with my marriage and essentially just didn’t want to live with my then H, so we divorced once I re entered the workforce.
It’s much better to have a boss at work but be free and independent at home than have someone control your spending

[Anonymous]

Agree that if you want money you should get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

I don't disagree that spouses could make such an arrangement but it sounds like this one doesn't have that type of agreement so I think if OP wants more money than they are getting, they should get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you don’t just have a joint account and mame joint decisions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that he is controlling you. I would tell him that you are going to have to have to get a job because there is not enough money. He is going to have to figure out childcare and all of the things that you do as a SAHM because you won't have time to do them since you will be working.

The plan is, my spouse is going to quit his job next year and take a little time off to contemplate a career change, and get a new part time gig while figuring something out. I’m supportive. At that time I can start interviewing to re-enter the workforce, which will honestly be a bit tough for me with the large gap in employment and the fact that my field is pretty competitive with a lot of younger people in it who are willing to work for less. And I also have a lot of commitments- I’m serving terms on several boards and committees and run a non profit. So I’ll either have to quit all those or I’ll have to also do part time.

I’m kind of freaking out about how all the things will get done at that time and afraid that all the house and kid stuff will still fall on me since much of it has been 100 percent my responsibility since the beginning. And then I’ll be stuck doing way more than my share or just completely drowning.

Ok, so your husband makes $250k, your house is paid off, and you serve on multiple boards. Is this a family money situation? Something doesn’t add up.

I think you are thinking too big. OP is probably on the board of her swim club, HOA, PTA, kids’ scout troop, youth sports club, etc. And OP is right that if it weren’t for parent volunteers, a lot of our kids’ lives would be very different.

But many of us are volunteering on top of working and running our homes, and spending less than $3500/month on groceries and utilities.

[Anonymous]

OP, you spouse is not being cool. Why is it fair of him to sock some of his money away from you while you are essentially his maid, cook, nanny, and house manager for free? There isn't a person in the world who would do what you do for him and his children for essentially "room and board". He is a selfish jackass.

I'm a SAHM, I had to leave my career b/c my DH was unable to shoulder any of the needs of our special needs child, emotional or otherwise. But in return every cent he makes goes into our joint account and I spend as I see fit, though we do discuss large purchases and I tend to be more frugal then he is. There is no way I would let him dole out a household allowance to me. That's insulting and crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

Her husband is making $250k. I make the same amount, but as a single parent. I shop, meal plan and cook. I throw birthday parties, and buy gifts for other kids. I decorate and make costumes for Halloween. I decorate for and buy presents for Christmas. I take care of my home and lawn maintenance.

If her husband were bringing in real money (like maybe yours is), I would buy the fact that she is facilitating that. But $250k is a pretty normal 40 hour/week salary in this town.

Completely agree. Also a single parent with the same base salary. And I have solo custody. Many women who quit weren’t bringing in a lot of $ anyway (like OP). Or they couldn’t wait to pop out kids so they could quit working. Then they get a rude awakening when they try to rejoin the workforce at an inflated salary. Obviously this doesn’t apply to women who quit when they were at the peak of their career. That’s a different situation.

Wow! You sound so smart! And yet you managed to pick a loser who can’t handle any parenting to father your child. Doesn’t sound very smart does it?

See how easy it is to mock other people’s problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

LOL, I love how you people think that high earners with SAH spouses do their share at home or could easily if their spouse worked. OP's DH would likely make considerably less money in a job that allowed for him to do 50% of everything for their family. My DH would've gotten zero promotions in his company if he were not able to work late whenever he needed (a few times per week), go in at 7am; not spend his weekends doing errands, shopping, and meal planning; not have to take care of any medical stuff, had to book summer camps, had to think for a minute of his life about his kids' birthday parties or presents, plan a single thing for christmas, do any lawn or house maintenance, etc. etc. He would've stayed making 100k in his job he had when we met. It's a partnership, people. People make these decisions together.

All that said, 3500/mo sounds like plenty to me.

Her husband is making $250k. I make the same amount, but as a single parent. I shop, meal plan and cook. I throw birthday parties, and buy gifts for other kids. I decorate and make costumes for Halloween. I decorate for and buy presents for Christmas. I take care of my home and lawn maintenance.

If her husband were bringing in real money (like maybe yours is), I would buy the fact that she is facilitating that. But $250k is a pretty normal 40 hour/week salary in this town.

Completely agree. Also a single parent with the same base salary. And I have solo custody. Many women who quit weren’t bringing in a lot of $ anyway (like OP). Or they couldn’t wait to pop out kids so they could quit working. Then they get a rude awakening when they try to rejoin the workforce at an inflated salary. Obviously this doesn’t apply to women who quit when they were at the peak of their career. That’s a different situation.

Wow! You sound so smart! And yet you managed to pick a loser who can’t handle any parenting to father your child. Doesn’t sound very smart does it?

See how easy it is to mock other people’s problems?

You sound bitter and angry. I’m sorry you have so much rage 🤷🏼‍♀️