Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here- many states are not community property states but rather equitable distribution which could require lots of legal fees to sort out and argue who gets what: it’s not automatically 50-50 and he could certainly work hard to argue that he gets to keep more because he earned it. Either way she doesn’t have access to funds which is frightening. . Op is also super vulnerable if he up and leaves: she would have to get court order to pay bills etc if he refused. It’s really unfair that op has no access to finances. He is using money to control and because she is not currently working because she is totally dependent on him.

If he goes part time and refuses to do household stuff then you should make him
Pay for the cleaners out if “his” money! Or out the entirety of your Kay heck in your account and he gets to do the family budget from his part time job.

OP here and I learned that we live in an "equitable distribution" state. What that means, for the most part, is that my spouse's personal account is considered a marital asset (minus what he had in there before marriage, which was nothing). It's considered a marital asset because he deposited money into it during our marriage that wasn't solely his money (like an inheritance would be). This is from a bit of amateur google legal research, so if anyone else has more professional knowledge to share, please do so.

However, PP above is correct that if the two parties can't agree on how to split assets equitably on their own, then it may require a bit of a legal process to sort through, and many things are taken into consideration by the court. Things like age, future employability, contribution of one party to the increased earning power of the other party, contribution by a party in appreciation of property, established standard of living, etc.

Also a couple surprising stats:
- Among U.S. couples who are married, in a civil partnership or live together, 43 percent have only joint bank accounts.
- Many couples (34 percent) have a mix of joint and separate bank accounts, while 23 percent have completely separate accounts.

OP - if he just clears the account, there must be another asset to which stolen family cash would need to be applied against. Best if it’s joint real estate, as pension can also be cashed and stolen. Just to give you an idea how not to end up with HUD apartment and Medicaid in your 60s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here- many states are not community property states but rather equitable distribution which could require lots of legal fees to sort out and argue who gets what: it’s not automatically 50-50 and he could certainly work hard to argue that he gets to keep more because he earned it. Either way she doesn’t have access to funds which is frightening. . Op is also super vulnerable if he up and leaves: she would have to get court order to pay bills etc if he refused. It’s really unfair that op has no access to finances. He is using money to control and because she is not currently working because she is totally dependent on him.

If he goes part time and refuses to do household stuff then you should make him
Pay for the cleaners out if “his” money! Or out the entirety of your Kay heck in your account and he gets to do the family budget from his part time job.

OP here and I learned that we live in an "equitable distribution" state. What that means, for the most part, is that my spouse's personal account is considered a marital asset (minus what he had in there before marriage, which was nothing). It's considered a marital asset because he deposited money into it during our marriage that wasn't solely his money (like an inheritance would be). This is from a bit of amateur google legal research, so if anyone else has more professional knowledge to share, please do so.

However, PP above is correct that if the two parties can't agree on how to split assets equitably on their own, then it may require a bit of a legal process to sort through, and many things are taken into consideration by the court. Things like age, future employability, contribution of one party to the increased earning power of the other party, contribution by a party in appreciation of property, established standard of living, etc.

Also a couple surprising stats:
- Among U.S. couples who are married, in a civil partnership or live together, 43 percent have only joint bank accounts.
- Many couples (34 percent) have a mix of joint and separate bank accounts, while 23 percent have completely separate accounts.

Please do not compare your relationship with "couples who live together" and dont have accounts together, clearly that is not an apples to apples comparison here.

I agree you need to have a come to jesus talk here. The easiest way I can think about it is to use your household money for less. IE household money is not for new appliances or furniture, you request separate money for that. Vacations, same thing. If he has the separate account for all these expensive things that should apply for you as well. I'd use the $ for groceries, etc, and then when a big expense comes up you tell him how much it will be and he pays it or transfer it.

That's what we already essentially do. I ask him for more money when the bigger expenses come up and it depletes our joint account. Also, now I find myself handing him the check more when we go out to restaurants, and no longer buying things like socks and underwear for him. Also, I've stopped planning family trips, outings, activities as much. It's not ideal, and I plan to have a little household finance meeting with him to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here- many states are not community property states but rather equitable distribution which could require lots of legal fees to sort out and argue who gets what: it’s not automatically 50-50 and he could certainly work hard to argue that he gets to keep more because he earned it. Either way she doesn’t have access to funds which is frightening. . Op is also super vulnerable if he up and leaves: she would have to get court order to pay bills etc if he refused. It’s really unfair that op has no access to finances. He is using money to control and because she is not currently working because she is totally dependent on him.

If he goes part time and refuses to do household stuff then you should make him
Pay for the cleaners out if “his” money! Or out the entirety of your Kay heck in your account and he gets to do the family budget from his part time job.

OP here and I learned that we live in an "equitable distribution" state. What that means, for the most part, is that my spouse's personal account is considered a marital asset (minus what he had in there before marriage, which was nothing). It's considered a marital asset because he deposited money into it during our marriage that wasn't solely his money (like an inheritance would be). This is from a bit of amateur google legal research, so if anyone else has more professional knowledge to share, please do so.

However, PP above is correct that if the two parties can't agree on how to split assets equitably on their own, then it may require a bit of a legal process to sort through, and many things are taken into consideration by the court. Things like age, future employability, contribution of one party to the increased earning power of the other party, contribution by a party in appreciation of property, established standard of living, etc.

Also a couple surprising stats:
- Among U.S. couples who are married, in a civil partnership or live together, 43 percent have only joint bank accounts.
- Many couples (34 percent) have a mix of joint and separate bank accounts, while 23 percent have completely separate accounts.

OP - if he just clears the account, there must be another asset to which stolen family cash would need to be applied against. Best if it’s joint real estate, as pension can also be cashed and stolen. Just to give you an idea how not to end up with HUD apartment and Medicaid in your 60s

Can you clarify? I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here- many states are not community property states but rather equitable distribution which could require lots of legal fees to sort out and argue who gets what: it’s not automatically 50-50 and he could certainly work hard to argue that he gets to keep more because he earned it. Either way she doesn’t have access to funds which is frightening. . Op is also super vulnerable if he up and leaves: she would have to get court order to pay bills etc if he refused. It’s really unfair that op has no access to finances. He is using money to control and because she is not currently working because she is totally dependent on him.

If he goes part time and refuses to do household stuff then you should make him
Pay for the cleaners out if “his” money! Or out the entirety of your Kay heck in your account and he gets to do the family budget from his part time job.

OP here and I learned that we live in an "equitable distribution" state. What that means, for the most part, is that my spouse's personal account is considered a marital asset (minus what he had in there before marriage, which was nothing). It's considered a marital asset because he deposited money into it during our marriage that wasn't solely his money (like an inheritance would be). This is from a bit of amateur google legal research, so if anyone else has more professional knowledge to share, please do so.

However, PP above is correct that if the two parties can't agree on how to split assets equitably on their own, then it may require a bit of a legal process to sort through, and many things are taken into consideration by the court. Things like age, future employability, contribution of one party to the increased earning power of the other party, contribution by a party in appreciation of property, established standard of living, etc.

Also a couple surprising stats:
- Among U.S. couples who are married, in a civil partnership or live together, 43 percent have only joint bank accounts.
- Many couples (34 percent) have a mix of joint and separate bank accounts, while 23 percent have completely separate accounts.

OP - if he just clears the account, there must be another asset to which stolen family cash would need to be applied against. Best if it’s joint real estate, as pension can also be cashed and stolen. Just to give you an idea how not to end up with HUD apartment and Medicaid in your 60s

Can you clarify? I don't understand.

Even if court rules he owes you 50% from that savings account, he might simply already waste the money or hide it unrecoverably abroad. Outside your or US collectors reach. In that case you could be rewarded a higher percentage in other asset - real estate works best. For example, all homes that you own if he cashed pension and all liquid accounts and it’s not recoverable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here- many states are not community property states but rather equitable distribution which could require lots of legal fees to sort out and argue who gets what: it’s not automatically 50-50 and he could certainly work hard to argue that he gets to keep more because he earned it. Either way she doesn’t have access to funds which is frightening. . Op is also super vulnerable if he up and leaves: she would have to get court order to pay bills etc if he refused. It’s really unfair that op has no access to finances. He is using money to control and because she is not currently working because she is totally dependent on him.

If he goes part time and refuses to do household stuff then you should make him
Pay for the cleaners out if “his” money! Or out the entirety of your Kay heck in your account and he gets to do the family budget from his part time job.

OP here and I learned that we live in an "equitable distribution" state. What that means, for the most part, is that my spouse's personal account is considered a marital asset (minus what he had in there before marriage, which was nothing). It's considered a marital asset because he deposited money into it during our marriage that wasn't solely his money (like an inheritance would be). This is from a bit of amateur google legal research, so if anyone else has more professional knowledge to share, please do so.

However, PP above is correct that if the two parties can't agree on how to split assets equitably on their own, then it may require a bit of a legal process to sort through, and many things are taken into consideration by the court. Things like age, future employability, contribution of one party to the increased earning power of the other party, contribution by a party in appreciation of property, established standard of living, etc.

Also a couple surprising stats:
- Among U.S. couples who are married, in a civil partnership or live together, 43 percent have only joint bank accounts.
- Many couples (34 percent) have a mix of joint and separate bank accounts, while 23 percent have completely separate accounts.

Please do not compare your relationship with "couples who live together" and dont have accounts together, clearly that is not an apples to apples comparison here.

I agree you need to have a come to jesus talk here. The easiest way I can think about it is to use your household money for less. IE household money is not for new appliances or furniture, you request separate money for that. Vacations, same thing. If he has the separate account for all these expensive things that should apply for you as well. I'd use the $ for groceries, etc, and then when a big expense comes up you tell him how much it will be and he pays it or transfer it.

That's what we already essentially do. I ask him for more money when the bigger expenses come up and it depletes our joint account. Also, now I find myself handing him the check more when we go out to restaurants, and no longer buying things like socks and underwear for him. Also, I've stopped planning family trips, outings, activities as much. It's not ideal, and I plan to have a little household finance meeting with him to get on the same page.

Definitely have a meeting, but $3500/mon should be plenty for average day-to-day expenses. So say you are spending $800/mon on groceries, $2500+ should be enough to replenish socks, undies, runners, utilities/streaming. Camp expenses twice a year? Heres the bill. Need a new fridge? Here's the bill. Rinse and repeat. Maybe he will get on the same page, or maybe he will get tired of it and come up with a new solution. But either way, you shouldn't be going into overdraft to pay for these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay the mortgage and other things? How much are you contributing?

She contributed the children! That is more than enough!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay the mortgage and other things? How much are you contributing?

The mortgage is all paid off, but my spouse still pays property taxes. I'm contributing 0 financially currently, but I'm also home with the kids, and taking care of most of the home stuff, and do volunteering. Next year, my spouse is going to go part time, so I will need to plan to re-enter the workforce at that time. My spouse's job is completely inflexible currently so it would be very difficult to make it work with two working parents.

Well, you should be paid the same as a full time, Live in nanny as well as a cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, nurse/doctor. I am not even mentioning the other things you donfurnhim.

I am not kidding. When I was engaged I told my fiance that if I was to be a SAHM them I was to be paid $100/week for my personal money and not a penny was to go for anything other than what I chose. Of course, this was 30 years ago, back in the dark age, so today you should be paid $500/week.

Being a SAHM is hard work and it should not be free!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay the mortgage and other things? How much are you contributing?

The mortgage is all paid off, but my spouse still pays property taxes. I'm contributing 0 financially currently, but I'm also home with the kids, and taking care of most of the home stuff, and do volunteering. Next year, my spouse is going to go part time, so I will need to plan to re-enter the workforce at that time. My spouse's job is completely inflexible currently so it would be very difficult to make it work with two working parents.

Well, you should be paid the same as a full time, Live in nanny as well as a cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, nurse/doctor. I am not even mentioning the other things you donfurnhim.

I am not kidding. When I was engaged I told my fiance that if I was to be a SAHM them I was to be paid $100/week for my personal money and not a penny was to go for anything other than what I chose. Of course, this was 30 years ago, back in the dark age, so today you should be paid $500/week.

Being a SAHM is hard work and it should not be free!

Actually there was a research that shown that SAHM labor in real terms is “worth” around 120k/year in DC area

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how women find themselves in this situation. Why did you quit your job op? Most women work with kids. Obviously your DH didn’t think it was critical for you to stay home, so I’m guessing the stay home idea was pushed by you.

I don’t understand how women can beg and plead to their dhs to stay home, and then be surprised that their dh doesn’t respect them or consider them an equal contributor.

NP, this isn't about staying at home. I stayed at home for 3 years. At the time, my husband made about 150k and kvetched about every penny. For the last decade, I have worked and I make 200k (spouse makes 250) while doing 80% of the kid/home stuff. We have 400k in each kid 529 and our house is paid off. How much I work or how much I make isn't relevant to his behavior or attitude- he is still kvetching about every penny I spend on the kids.

People are either generous and uncontrolling or they aren't.