Is my spouse being stingy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

And does he take the money for those things out of the 3500 account or from his separate funds?

[Anonymous]

I think you are both right, OP. I think it makes sense to want to spend more on your day to day meals, kids clothes and camps. I would probably want that too.
I can also see your husband’s side in keeping those expenses down and spending the money on a home theater or expensive vacation. And his budget for you isn’t crazy low.

I think the problem is that you both are smart people with strong personalities who are used to being right. Neither of you are willing to be kind of a follower and acquiesce to the other. You are both also probably friends with people similar to yourselves, who are the dominant people in their marriages, so you find this even more baffling. “None of my friends wives/husbands are like this…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not stingy. You need a job.

OP needs a job, but that doesn't mean her DH isn't stingy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

And does he take the money for those things out of the 3500 account or from his separate funds?

Those things I listed above are taken out from separate funds that I don't have access to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both right, OP. I think it makes sense to want to spend more on your day to day meals, kids clothes and camps. I would probably want that too.
I can also see your husband’s side in keeping those expenses down and spending the money on a home theater or expensive vacation. And his budget for you isn’t crazy low.

I think the problem is that you both are smart people with strong personalities who are used to being right. Neither of you are willing to be kind of a follower and acquiesce to the other. You are both also probably friends with people similar to yourselves, who are the dominant people in their marriages, so you find this even more baffling. “None of my friends wives/husbands are like this…”

I think this is a stretch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both right, OP. I think it makes sense to want to spend more on your day to day meals, kids clothes and camps. I would probably want that too.
I can also see your husband’s side in keeping those expenses down and spending the money on a home theater or expensive vacation. And his budget for you isn’t crazy low.

I think the problem is that you both are smart people with strong personalities who are used to being right. Neither of you are willing to be kind of a follower and acquiesce to the other. You are both also probably friends with people similar to yourselves, who are the dominant people in their marriages, so you find this even more baffling. “None of my friends wives/husbands are like this…”

I feel like I got found out. Do you know us? Do you know my friends? Did you also write the previous post about the day to day beans and rice vs splurgy dinners? Because I never thought about it that way, but thinking on it more, it's probably true that we have different mindsets with regard to our spending. I do feel like my spouse lacks basic understanding of ALL of the things that need to be paid for and purchased to keep a family and household running.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

And does he take the money for those things out of the 3500 account or from his separate funds?

Those things I listed above are taken out from separate funds that I don't have access to.

Ok, what exactly does the $3500 pay for, and what is the monthly budget for each?

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down with a financial planner to discuss adjusting household finances when you start to work. It’s not crazy on its face to have a single joint account that is funded to meet household needs - thats what my exDH and I did for a long time. But you should a) have a say in where the excess money goes and b) not have to be in the position of “asking” for money to fund household expenses. You should also be in agreement about how much to spend on expenses above regular household costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

And does he take the money for those things out of the 3500 account or from his separate funds?

Those things I listed above are taken out from separate funds that I don't have access to.

That’s stupid. Change it or change your living/marital situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

On the occasions my spouse grocery shops, the bill easily comes out to over $100 for ingredients for one meal. While I try to manage with $200 for the whole week. And it’s my spouse who wants the big expenditures like family vacations in remote and exotic places, or to build a home theater, or an extra hobby luxury vehicle. And it’s my spouse who, when I have to be away, takes the family out to eat at expensive restaurants. While I am always looking to cut expenses, my spouse doesn’t.

And does he take the money for those things out of the 3500 account or from his separate funds?

Those things I listed above are taken out from separate funds that I don't have access to.

Ok, what exactly does the $3500 pay for, and what is the monthly budget for each?

Pretty much everything else and all the monthly expenses. Utilities, phone/internet, car insurance, medical bills, groceries, restaurant/takeout, haircuts/personal care, clothing, kids sports/activities/camps, household supplies, garden and yard supplies, home repairs, home furnishings, streaming services, kids allowances, birthday/holiday/wedding gifts, smaller weekend vacations and getaways, school fees and supplies, charity donations, museum memberships, etc.

Spouse pays for property taxes, and things they like to spend money on: about 70% of our dinners out, pool membership, 70% of the alcohol, the larger vacations, the bigger home renovation projects, hobbies, and random "fun" gifts for the kids

[Anonymous]

Since he's the big man who likes to act rich, just have him manage all those bills and you can put everything on a credit card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both right, OP. I think it makes sense to want to spend more on your day to day meals, kids clothes and camps. I would probably want that too.
I can also see your husband’s side in keeping those expenses down and spending the money on a home theater or expensive vacation. And his budget for you isn’t crazy low.

I think the problem is that you both are smart people with strong personalities who are used to being right. Neither of you are willing to be kind of a follower and acquiesce to the other. You are both also probably friends with people similar to yourselves, who are the dominant people in their marriages, so you find this even more baffling. “None of my friends wives/husbands are like this…”

I feel like I got found out. Do you know us? Do you know my friends? Did you also write the previous post about the day to day beans and rice vs splurgy dinners? Because I never thought about it that way, but thinking on it more, it's probably true that we have different mindsets with regard to our spending. I do feel like my spouse lacks basic understanding of ALL of the things that need to be paid for and purchased to keep a family and household running.

Haha! I don’t know you . This makes me feel good to be at least somewhat right though! I did post about the beans and rice and splurgy dinners.

I am 100% on your side, by the way. Our household credit card goes to the things that you mentioned, and it’s rare that it’s under $6k/month. That said, I’m going to guess that you are going to be better off going to your husband and admitting that some of the things you want for your kids (nice family dinners most days, cool extracurriculars, fun camp experiences, attractive house in good repair, clothes that are similar to what their friends are wearing) are kind of expensive, but that it’s important to you to provide those things, and the expensive dinners and fancy vacations are not important to you.

If you tell him that he just doesn’t understand how much running an UMC household costs, he is probably going to get defensive, and I won’t go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. By the way, psa for all of the responders who are poo-pooing volunteer and non profit work. Sorry, but those are the jobs that are literally making the world go round. Take that away and you will very quickly see how much our society is hugely dependent on people who are willing to give their time and energy to help their community.

If you think the almighty dollar is the only way to add value to your family, society, and self worth, you are very sorely mistaken. But sadly that is how much of our society has been taught and it’s a shame.

Most of us would agree that volunteers contribute a lot to our society. But, OP dear, you're the one on here complaining about your husband not giving you enough cash. Something tells us you're buying more than the occasional frying pan or dishwasher soap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both right, OP. I think it makes sense to want to spend more on your day to day meals, kids clothes and camps. I would probably want that too.
I can also see your husband’s side in keeping those expenses down and spending the money on a home theater or expensive vacation. And his budget for you isn’t crazy low.

I think the problem is that you both are smart people with strong personalities who are used to being right. Neither of you are willing to be kind of a follower and acquiesce to the other. You are both also probably friends with people similar to yourselves, who are the dominant people in their marriages, so you find this even more baffling. “None of my friends wives/husbands are like this…”

I feel like I got found out. Do you know us? Do you know my friends? Did you also write the previous post about the day to day beans and rice vs splurgy dinners? Because I never thought about it that way, but thinking on it more, it's probably true that we have different mindsets with regard to our spending. I do feel like my spouse lacks basic understanding of ALL of the things that need to be paid for and purchased to keep a family and household running.

Haha! I don’t know you . This makes me feel good to be at least somewhat right though! I did post about the beans and rice and splurgy dinners.

I am 100% on your side, by the way. Our household credit card goes to the things that you mentioned, and it’s rare that it’s under $6k/month. That said, I’m going to guess that you are going to be better off going to your husband and admitting that some of the things you want for your kids (nice family dinners most days, cool extracurriculars, fun camp experiences, attractive house in good repair, clothes that are similar to what their friends are wearing) are kind of expensive, but that it’s important to you to provide those things, and the expensive dinners and fancy vacations are not important to you.

If you tell him that he just doesn’t understand how much running an UMC household costs, he is probably going to get defensive, and I won’t go anywhere.

Actually my resentment can totally go away with this kind of understanding - that it's not about being controlling or unfair or judgmental about my "overspending", it's just a different mindset, which on some level, I could even probably agree with. And I think it's a different thing when I can be frugal with our day to day spending with that kind of mindset knowing that we can then spend on more splurgy fun stuff (which I can get on board with) instead of seeing it the way I have been looking at it. It's like we're both trying to do the same thing from opposite sides, but really we want the same thing.

So, seriously, thank you for that insight, it was helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$3500 in expenses after mortgage and savings is a lot. You should have very limited childcare/camp expenses because you SAH. You should also have limited eating out/convenience food because you’re at home and able to meal prep.

I make a little less than your DH, and my monthly expenses are $3500 but that includes $1000 in childcare expenses, and a lot of convenience expenses because I’m a single parent.

I think you have a distorted vision of what a $250k HHI lifestyle looks like. It’s not living large, especially when you have two kids.

But finances aside, it sounds like you and your DH are not a team. I suggest therapy to figure out how you got here, and how to right the ship, so you can start functioning like a cohesive unit.

+1. $3.5K per month for the day to day stuff should be plenty esp. since you have no housing expenses. To put it in perspective you are spending over $40K per year excluding housing costs.