Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

Not all parents suck. If this is the reaction you had, then your parents were probably not that sucky! Which is great. But I wouldn't assume that OP is just being unfair, with this kind of reaction (and this kind of existing relationship) its likely things were pretty rough for OP. I think what we are all hoping for now is that we do a good enough job that THIS is our kid's reaction to having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

One can absolutely recognize a parent failed them as a teen based on one's experience parenting a toddler. Many parenting skills are foundational and remain constant regardless of the child's age - things like emotional regulation, emotional validation, consistency, appropriateness, active listening, affection, etc.

[Anonymous]

As someone who's BTDT, OP, I would encourage you to leave room for forgiveness. My parents were absent and belittling, but they've made an effort to improve our relationship in recent years. I try to focus on some of the (few) things they did do right--clean and comfortable home, clean clothes, basic home-cooked dinners, college tuition. They were not there for me emotionally, but it could have been a lot worse. And I don't want to carry that burden anymore. It's far better for my mental health to have peace rather than dwell on mistakes that are in the past even if they'll never be the kind of devoted parents I wish I had.

[Anonymous]

^^I also live far enough away that I can handle a few times a year. It does help that they don't live in the immediate area!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

One can absolutely recognize a parent failed them as a teen based on one's experience parenting a toddler. Many parenting skills are foundational and remain constant regardless of the child's age - things like emotional regulation, emotional validation, consistency, appropriateness, active listening, affection, etc.

I think the PP meant you can't judge your OWN parenting of a teen by how you parent your toddler and baby. Just wait. You may think you're doing way better than your own parents did, but your teen will rage at you just the same. Then what will you say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

One can absolutely recognize a parent failed them as a teen based on one's experience parenting a toddler. Many parenting skills are foundational and remain constant regardless of the child's age - things like emotional regulation, emotional validation, consistency, appropriateness, active listening, affection, etc.

I think the PP meant you can't judge your OWN parenting of a teen by how you parent your toddler and baby. Just wait. You may think you're doing way better than your own parents did, but your teen will rage at you just the same. Then what will you say?

I can speak to that as I was abused by my parents and am now raising teens. There are changes teens go through as they grow towards adulthood. Moodiness is to be expected. There are developmental reasons teens act out and say things we as parents may not like. I have treated my kids with kindness from day one. We have modeled respectful behavior and have shown the kids we value them. I don't take their moodiness personally and I give them space and privacy. So far, so good at 15 and 17. I can tell you my kids are worlds above where I was at their ages. I didn't even speak to my parents and I had an entire life outside the home which was filled with violence and horrors which replicated my experiences inside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

One can absolutely recognize a parent failed them as a teen based on one's experience parenting a toddler. Many parenting skills are foundational and remain constant regardless of the child's age - things like emotional regulation, emotional validation, consistency, appropriateness, active listening, affection, etc.

I think the PP meant you can't judge your OWN parenting of a teen by how you parent your toddler and baby. Just wait. You may think you're doing way better than your own parents did, but your teen will rage at you just the same. Then what will you say?

You mean rage at you the way a toddler rages at you? If found many similarities between parenting toddlers and parenting teens. As 18:57 said, you don't take their moodiness personally. You continue to treat them with kindness, model the behaviors you want them to have and act in ways they know they are respected. That doesn't mean there aren't boundaries or consequences.

You don't become estranged from people you feel safe with.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your mom is the way she is, OP.

For my part, parenting made me *appreciate* my parents so much more. I just got lucky. At various points in time, I almost want to call them and apologize for dumbazz things I said and did as a kid. I thank them a lot now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

+1. Grow up OP.

Plus a thousand. Pat yourself on the back later. You sound like an entitled, unpleasant, judgmental person. Try not to pass that on.

[Anonymous]

Geez, people are so grumpy. OP, I get what you're saying. I didn't know what I was missing until I walked in my parents' shoes a bit. Seems so natural to emotionally connect with kids and I can't imagine a scenario where I'd repeat the distance that I experienced growing up. I would suggest getting together with them on neutral ground, at least I discovered that this cut down on my resentment and my parents were more pleasant. I don't know if this is your experience, but as my kids moved out of infancy I observed that distance in their interactions start to grow. They are who they are, you are who you are. Seems like you're doing great forging ahead. Keep it up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

One can absolutely recognize a parent failed them as a teen based on one's experience parenting a toddler. Many parenting skills are foundational and remain constant regardless of the child's age - things like emotional regulation, emotional validation, consistency, appropriateness, active listening, affection, etc.

I think the PP meant you can't judge your OWN parenting of a teen by how you parent your toddler and baby. Just wait. You may think you're doing way better than your own parents did, but your teen will rage at you just the same. Then what will you say?

You mean rage at you the way a toddler rages at you? If found many similarities between parenting toddlers and parenting teens. As 18:57 said, you don't take their moodiness personally. You continue to treat them with kindness, model the behaviors you want them to have and act in ways they know they are respected. That doesn't mean there aren't boundaries or consequences.

You don't become estranged from people you feel safe with.

Every child is different. Personally, I don’t find a lot of similarities in the toddler-teen rages. Toddlers’ worlds are pretty small…back then I could help them resolve their issues, since their frustrations were usually within our home or small sphere. My teens? It is a whole different story. Their struggles & issues are more theirs alone…I don’t have control over their friends, teachers, workplaces, etc. I can provide a safe sounding board & a safe place for them at home, but it is totally different than having toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

One can absolutely recognize a parent failed them as a teen based on one's experience parenting a toddler. Many parenting skills are foundational and remain constant regardless of the child's age - things like emotional regulation, emotional validation, consistency, appropriateness, active listening, affection, etc.

I think the PP meant you can't judge your OWN parenting of a teen by how you parent your toddler and baby. Just wait. You may think you're doing way better than your own parents did, but your teen will rage at you just the same. Then what will you say?

You mean rage at you the way a toddler rages at you? If found many similarities between parenting toddlers and parenting teens. As 18:57 said, you don't take their moodiness personally. You continue to treat them with kindness, model the behaviors you want them to have and act in ways they know they are respected. That doesn't mean there aren't boundaries or consequences.

You don't become estranged from people you feel safe with.

+1

[Anonymous]

I had the opposite happen. My mother and I did not get along during my tween-teen years at all and I took for granted everything she did when I was little. It wasn’t until I had kids of my own that I understood my own selfishness, how hard she worked and that she ultimately wanted the best for me but didn’t convey it in the way I wanted or needed (that’s partially my fault though not just her’s) I am amazed she still loves me honestly.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite issue in a way. My mother was bipolar but of that older generation where you didn't discuss mental health etc. I fortunately did not inherit that personality. I raised my two children very different than how I was raised. My child home life was crazy and manic and there was lots of screaming. My home life that I hlgave my children was calm, structured, no screaming, but talking things out etc. I was far from perfect but it was a huge improvement. My own children are grown now and young adults. My daughter unfortunately has bipolar tendencies and she has gone for a lot of counseling and determined that I was a terrible mother who should have done so much better. I should.have helped her embrace her inner artistic skills, not forced her to grow up and go to college vs art school, we should have been wealthier so she didn't have to go out in the real world and make something of her life. She is bitter and barely talks to us. My son did not inherit the bipolar tendency and thinks that we are good parents and did the best we could.

I think when my daughter had children herself she may be more empathetic and less critical about the way she was raised.

We all do the best we can do.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Yes I did.

One of the biggest mistakes my parents made, that I really started to understand when I became a parent, was how sarcastic and dismissive they were, and how damaging that is for kids. I have so many vivid memories of my parents rolling their eyes at me, laughing at me, or just straight up denying things I said or felt. From a young age, too -- I remember incidents like this from when I was just 4 or 5 years old.

I think partly they were just emotionally immature people and used sarcasm as a defense mechanism. But wow is it bad for kids. It's something my DH and I talk about and try to be really self-aware about. Little kids, in particular, can be so hurt by sarcasm. It's okay to be sarcastic about other things (like I'll roll my eyes and say something like "oh yes, this traffic is delightful") but I try to not ever respond to my kids' with sarcasm when they say how they feel, what they want, report something is bothering them or is hard, etc. It's a really bad habit.

But it wasn't until I actually had kids and then recalled how my parents used to interact with me that it really sank in that their approach was bad. It was sad at first to realize that this aspect of my childhood was damaging, but I think it's also been healing to realize that the sarcastic, critical voice in the back of my head has an external source. It's helped me learn to stop listening to it, and definitely stop giving voice to it.