Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

I understand that you can spend your life looking backwards and resenting what life has given you or you can look ahead and do you best with today.

DP. As unfair and undeserved as it was, I don't resent what life has given me. I have built the family and life that I wanted. Yet, that doesn't mean I still don't have struggles/hurdles/barriers that people from functional families are free from. Much of the support/structure functional families are able to confer on their kids is absent from mine. Recognizing that isn't the same as complaining about it or looking backwards and resenting it.

[Anonymous]

I became aware of how awesome my parents were once I started parenting. Now, with nearly grown kids, I’m super grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

I understand that you can spend your life looking backwards and resenting what life has given you or you can look ahead and do you best with today.

DP. As unfair and undeserved as it was, I don't resent what life has given me. I have built the family and life that I wanted. Yet, that doesn't mean I still don't have struggles/hurdles/barriers that people from functional families are free from. Much of the support/structure functional families are able to confer on their kids is absent from mine. Recognizing that isn't the same as complaining about it or looking backwards and resenting it.

This. The people saying "just look forward" or "stop dwelling on the past" don't understand that this isn't about looking back or dwelling. When you become a parent is that, on some level, you relive your childhood with a new perspective. The people saying that they have a newfound respect and appreciation for their parents are gaining the perspective of how hard parenting is, and therefore appreciating all that their parents did that they weren't even aware of. They get to have a depend appreciation for their parents as they, too, make sacrifices for their own kids and do things they now know their kids might not realize were done to help them until they have kids of their own.

But some of us have the opposite experience. I do things for my kids everyday, that are really basic, normal things to offer your children, and I cannot help but realize often that these are things that my parents NEVER did. Like I often tell my children I love them, or comfort them when they get hurt or have a bad day. I have no memory of either of my parents doing this for me for my entire childhood. I do it daily! Recognizing that is not "dwelling on the past," it's making a new, current, and upsetting realization about your own life. It's sad NOW. It's actually sadder now than it was when it happened because I didn't really know what I was missing out on back then. I had no self awareness of that loss or of how it was hurting me at the time. Now I know. It's devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

I understand that you can spend your life looking backwards and resenting what life has given you or you can look ahead and do you best with today.

DP. As unfair and undeserved as it was, I don't resent what life has given me. I have built the family and life that I wanted. Yet, that doesn't mean I still don't have struggles/hurdles/barriers that people from functional families are free from. Much of the support/structure functional families are able to confer on their kids is absent from mine. Recognizing that isn't the same as complaining about it or looking backwards and resenting it.

This. The people saying "just look forward" or "stop dwelling on the past" don't understand that this isn't about looking back or dwelling. When you become a parent is that, on some level, you relive your childhood with a new perspective. The people saying that they have a newfound respect and appreciation for their parents are gaining the perspective of how hard parenting is, and therefore appreciating all that their parents did that they weren't even aware of. They get to have a depend appreciation for their parents as they, too, make sacrifices for their own kids and do things they now know their kids might not realize were done to help them until they have kids of their own.

But some of us have the opposite experience. I do things for my kids everyday, that are really basic, normal things to offer your children, and I cannot help but realize often that these are things that my parents NEVER did. Like I often tell my children I love them, or comfort them when they get hurt or have a bad day. I have no memory of either of my parents doing this for me for my entire childhood. I do it daily! Recognizing that is not "dwelling on the past," it's making a new, current, and upsetting realization about your own life. It's sad NOW. It's actually sadder now than it was when it happened because I didn't really know what I was missing out on back then. I had no self awareness of that loss or of how it was hurting me at the time. Now I know. It's devastating.

15:42 here. You nailed it. I knew what was happening was wrong but I didn't know just how profoundly wrong and horrible it was until I had my own kids. Again, I'm not dwelling on the past but, at the least, it has to be acknowledged before you can put it away/move on. And, sometimes, unbidden, it comes back with a vengance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

I understand that you can spend your life looking backwards and resenting what life has given you or you can look ahead and do you best with today.

With each milestone my kids reach, it is like a punch in the face. I don't have to look back, I don't want to look back, it hits me when I least expect it. I had emotionally immature parents who were either unable or unwilling to nurture me. They also abused me. I couldn't bear for my kids to live even one day of my childhood. Even the "good days" were full of dysfunction and fockery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

I understand that you can spend your life looking backwards and resenting what life has given you or you can look ahead and do you best with today.

DP. As unfair and undeserved as it was, I don't resent what life has given me. I have built the family and life that I wanted. Yet, that doesn't mean I still don't have struggles/hurdles/barriers that people from functional families are free from. Much of the support/structure functional families are able to confer on their kids is absent from mine. Recognizing that isn't the same as complaining about it or looking backwards and resenting it.

This. The people saying "just look forward" or "stop dwelling on the past" don't understand that this isn't about looking back or dwelling. When you become a parent is that, on some level, you relive your childhood with a new perspective. The people saying that they have a newfound respect and appreciation for their parents are gaining the perspective of how hard parenting is, and therefore appreciating all that their parents did that they weren't even aware of. They get to have a depend appreciation for their parents as they, too, make sacrifices for their own kids and do things they now know their kids might not realize were done to help them until they have kids of their own.

But some of us have the opposite experience. I do things for my kids everyday, that are really basic, normal things to offer your children, and I cannot help but realize often that these are things that my parents NEVER did. Like I often tell my children I love them, or comfort them when they get hurt or have a bad day. I have no memory of either of my parents doing this for me for my entire childhood. I do it daily! Recognizing that is not "dwelling on the past," it's making a new, current, and upsetting realization about your own life. It's sad NOW. It's actually sadder now than it was when it happened because I didn't really know what I was missing out on back then. I had no self awareness of that loss or of how it was hurting me at the time. Now I know. It's devastating.

This is it exactly, pp.

[Anonymous]

Now that I'm a parent I look back at my parents and see some awesome things they did and some not-so-awesome things.

I think that's probably the more common experience.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. In nearly 50 years, my mother has never told me she loves me and I don’t recall a single hug or kiss. I am and always have been very affectionate with mine.