Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

I have a 2.5 year old a newborn (3mo old) and have only really been able to clearly see what a crappy mom my own mother was. I was confused for so long because I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas but really zero emotional warmth and connection and just thought that was somewhat normal for everyone for so long.

My dad is wonderful but a workaholic so my younger sister and I were with our mom most of the time who was a SAHM but was just lazy and yelled at us all the time, pitted my sister and I against each other and seemingly always took her side in every conflict. My teenage years were pretty rough but luckily I did really well in high school and was able to go to a top college far away and settled down a plane ride and time zone away. I'm not close with either my mom or sister to this day but see them a few times a year out of a sense of obligation. They get annoyed that I don't want to spend all of my scarce vacation time schlepping halfway across the country to see them so have taken it upon themselves to crashing my vacation (DH and I have started our own little nuclear family tradition of spending a certain week in a certain place and they just happened to book their own house in the same town).

I turned out fine on paper - nice job/husband/kids/house in suburbs etc. Not really a question but I guess I just really find it so tedious to spend time with them and want to make sure I don't repeat this pattern with my kids? Can anyone else commiserate?

[Anonymous]

You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t that the goal?

I mean my dad was homeless for part of his life.

My moms dad died when she was an infant and she was raised by a single mom in the 50’s.

Of course we are gonna be better mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

+1. Grow up OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

+1000

Little kids little problems big kids, big problems. Cut your mother a break and grow up while you’re at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

I agree with this. BUT also…yes having children made me realize my mom & dad sucked at parenting. They were selfish and always out their needs above ours. My mother turned a blind eye to everything.

[Anonymous]

It’s uncanny how common it is to repeat the dysfunction. But good luck, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

+1. Grow up OP.

+100 OP, if you're so great, your parents must have done something right.

[Anonymous]

It's not uncommon. For some ppl, once they become parents they appreciate their parents more. For others, the opposite happens.

I've had mixed feeling about my parents once I became one myself. I realized how gruelingly hard it was, especially the infant/toddler years, trying to balance work and family obligations, all the worries, etc. To experience those first hand made me really appreciate the hard work my mom put in for us, and she's someone who'd never cut corners.

On the other hand, I was also horrified by how they thought they could just control us like their personal property. I see my kids as their own person, with distinct interests and personalities, and recognize that while I need to guide them, ultimately they have to choose what kind of person they want to be. My parents would steamroll over us and deny my agency even well into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Your entire post is from your point of view. As a child of parents. Wait until you find out what your own children's point of view is, of you, as a parent. It's not what you think, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not uncommon. For some ppl, once they become parents they appreciate their parents more. For others, the opposite happens.

I've had mixed feeling about my parents once I became one myself. I realized how gruelingly hard it was, especially the infant/toddler years, trying to balance work and family obligations, all the worries, etc. To experience those first hand made me really appreciate the hard work my mom put in for us, and she's someone who'd never cut corners.

On the other hand, I was also horrified by how they thought they could just control us like their personal property. I see my kids as their own person, with distinct interests and personalities, and recognize that while I need to guide them, ultimately they have to choose what kind of person they want to be. My parents would steamroll over us and deny my agency even well into adulthood.

This is a great post, and I could have written a lot of it. My kids are teens and at each stage to date, I’ve had to face new ways in which my parents did the best they could, but it was not nearly enough (and in some cases, didn’t even meet Base level).

It’s unsurprising though. My parents like many of their generation didn’t consider emotional needs a real need or a basis for decision making. We see the world differently and importantly gen z sees the world differently.

Lots of angry people on this thread. Usually happens in DCUM and in real life when people don’t want to look too closely at their own behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My kids are 16 and 21 so we’ve been through most of the child rearing stuff and challenges. I can’t wrap my mind around the horrible things my mom said to me year after year, things I would never say to mine no matter how much they’re driving me bonkers. Fortunately I had a great dad. I really love and value my relationship with kids, and am glad our connection is loving and respectful.

[Anonymous]

Such a bunch of whiners

[Anonymous]

I feel this way, but my parents are both very mentally ill. Their mental disorders control them both. I know that I am a better parent by virtue of being tethered to reality. My biggest concern is doing right by my children when I don’t know what a normal childhood looks like.