Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

Now that my kids are teens, I realize how hard it is to parent teens. I'm trying my best, but I stink it up and fail on a daily basis -- and that is after years of therapy for family of origin issues. I'm sure my daughters will have their own complaints and will need to hash things out in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, well all of you think so negatively about your moms. It's just part of your culture. It's all the rage to bring up made up trauma, anxiety producing personalities, yadda yadda yadda. Your parents were fine, and you know it. Can't WAIT to see your kids in 25 years. Save us all.

Was it fine when my mom passed out drunk on the sofa every night for years? Or when she told me she wished she had an abortion?

That's not fine. But that's not what OP described. This always happens -- someone describes a fairly tolerable-to-most childhood, says they hate their parents because of it, then someone who was raped by their Uncle with their parents' blessing, or forced to sleep outside under the porch with the dogs, or otherwise SERIOUSLY and undeniably abused comes on and posts about how real abuse is.

Yes, PP, your abuse was real. OP's mistreatment seems up for debate.

+1. Why do they always need to threadjack?!

Many of us who had abusive and or neglectful childhoods have no one (outside of therapists) to talk with. These threads make me feel less alone, although I'm sorry for others' suffering. Many of us aren't supported by our family, who either caused our pain, suffered with us or witnessed our abuse. Those of us who choose to face our abuse get tired of being dismissed or shouted down, which is what you and pp attempted to do. You cannot determine if op was abused. One thing is certain, her family violates her boundaries and that is 100% abusive.

this exactly. I am really fortunate to have a great sister who I can joke with about our mom now, but not everyone has that. And my mom thinks she was awesome! She tells us that all the time, conveniently forgetting the years of screaming/belittling/public humiliation/horrible accusations etc that were just how she rolled. I don't carry conscious anger toward her (though I do still have the occasional "mom screaming at me" dream so maybe my subconscious does) but mostly I feel sorry for her. She has burned just about every bridge in her life one way or another and is a very lonely person now. We still see her. But it's not a warm or loving relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the camp that can’t believe how lucky I had it and strive to be as good.

Honestly, I think parents today should step back a little more (I am Gen X).

I have teens now and it is no comparison to infants and toddlers. They are rarely home.

I am 1000% the same.

That doesn't mean my childhood or my parents were perfect, but they created a stable, loving home and we were always supported and encouraged. I don't measure up, quite frankly. I am very thankful my parents have stayed healthy and have a good relationship with my daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

Now that my kids are teens, I realize how hard it is to parent teens. I'm trying my best, but I stink it up and fail on a daily basis -- and that is after years of therapy for family of origin issues. I'm sure my daughters will have their own complaints and will need to hash things out in therapy.

+1 You can be a really great parent for literally years, and then when your oldest hits the horrible teen stage, it all goes to hell. They don't care about all the Christmases you made special for them, or the sacrifices you made, or the times you stood up for them to teachers or bullies on the school bus. They just think you suck. And that's the memory they take with them into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the camp that can’t believe how lucky I had it and strive to be as good.

Honestly, I think parents today should step back a little more (I am Gen X).

I have teens now and it is no comparison to infants and toddlers. They are rarely home.

I am 1000% the same.

That doesn't mean my childhood or my parents were perfect, but they created a stable, loving home and we were always supported and encouraged. I don't measure up, quite frankly. I am very thankful my parents have stayed healthy and have a good relationship with my daughters.

^^Also meant to say that I'm not negating others' negative experiences. I am also Gen X and I guess my mom was probably among the first generation that really had the choice/exercised the choice to limit family size. I believe my MIL had some resentment that she "had to" have 5 children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, well all of you think so negatively about your moms. It's just part of your culture. It's all the rage to bring up made up trauma, anxiety producing personalities, yadda yadda yadda. Your parents were fine, and you know it. Can't WAIT to see your kids in 25 years. Save us all.

Was it fine when my mom passed out drunk on the sofa every night for years? Or when she told me she wished she had an abortion?

That's not fine. But that's not what OP described. This always happens -- someone describes a fairly tolerable-to-most childhood, says they hate their parents because of it, then someone who was raped by their Uncle with their parents' blessing, or forced to sleep outside under the porch with the dogs, or otherwise SERIOUSLY and undeniably abused comes on and posts about how real abuse is.

Yes, PP, your abuse was real. OP's mistreatment seems up for debate.

+1. Why do they always need to threadjack?!

Many of us who had abusive and or neglectful childhoods have no one (outside of therapists) to talk with. These threads make me feel less alone, although I'm sorry for others' suffering. Many of us aren't supported by our family, who either caused our pain, suffered with us or witnessed our abuse. Those of us who choose to face our abuse get tired of being dismissed or shouted down, which is what you and pp attempted to do. You cannot determine if op was abused. One thing is certain, her family violates her boundaries and that is 100% abusive.

Then start another thread. This thread is not about abuse. It's not helpful to people trying to figure out their lives, which did not include abuse, if the thread gets hijacked by people who suffered serious abuse. Your advice is not helpful because it's not relevant to what OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have really young kids and are comparing your parenting of toddlers to her parenting of tweens/teens. I’m sure you’ll make your own mistakes.

Becoming a mom has given me so much sympathy for my parents’ mistakes. This stuff is hard and their parents didn’t give them much to work with.

Now that my kids are teens, I realize how hard it is to parent teens. I'm trying my best, but I stink it up and fail on a daily basis -- and that is after years of therapy for family of origin issues. I'm sure my daughters will have their own complaints and will need to hash things out in therapy.

+1 You can be a really great parent for literally years, and then when your oldest hits the horrible teen stage, it all goes to hell. They don't care about all the Christmases you made special for them, or the sacrifices you made, or the times you stood up for them to teachers or bullies on the school bus. They just think you suck. And that's the memory they take with them into adulthood.

Yes, as the fully developed adult in the relationship, it’s on you to get your emotions under control and not act like a teen yourself. No one said it is easy, but emotional regulation is one of the most important things to pass on to your children.

[Anonymous]

Some of you adults seem to think having a tough teen gives you a pass for being a crummy parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 2.5 year old a newborn (3mo old) and have only really been able to clearly see what a crappy mom my own mother was. I was confused for so long because I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas but really zero emotional warmth and connection and just thought that was somewhat normal for everyone for so long.

My dad is wonderful but a workaholic so my younger sister and I were with our mom most of the time who was a SAHM but was just lazy and yelled at us all the time, pitted my sister and I against each other and seemingly always took her side in every conflict. My teenage years were pretty rough but luckily I did really well in high school and was able to go to a top college far away and settled down a plane ride and time zone away. I'm not close with either my mom or sister to this day but see them a few times a year out of a sense of obligation. They get annoyed that I don't want to spend all of my scarce vacation time schlepping halfway across the country to see them so have taken it upon themselves to crashing my vacation (DH and I have started our own little nuclear family tradition of spending a certain week in a certain place and they just happened to book their own house in the same town).

I turned out fine on paper - nice job/husband/kids/house in suburbs etc. Not really a question but I guess I just really find it so tedious to spend time with them and want to make sure I don't repeat this pattern with my kids? Can anyone else commiserate?

Everyone seems to be missing this. This is emotional neglect.

[Anonymous]

I think having a kid really makes you think about your own childhood in unexpected ways that can screw with your head.

You look at your kid, and remember things that you really can't even fathom doing to your kid.

And for some people these things aren't big deals and they might not fully grasp (IE, teenage issues when you have a baby) but some things you really do see with real crystal clarity suddenly. Things you thought were no big deal because you dealt with them you see through the eyes of your own child.

I had a fairly traumatic childhood and thought I was totally fine but had to start therapy when my oldest was like 4/5 because I had like a full on breakdown after a fight with my parents that almost like, caused estrangement.

Anyway, just saying its normal OP, HIGHLY recommend therapy to help you work through it. It will make you happier and a better parent.

[Anonymous]

When I had super little kids, I was more impressed by the fact that my parents had tended to me around the clock! I remember tearily calling my mom and thanking her at one point.

You are doing your mom a disservice to compare her parenting of you as a teen (through your own teenage lens of things!) to your parenting of young toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore all of the negative posters, who are undoubtedly Boomers who realize their own very real failings as parents. Most in their generation were not equipped to emotionally nurture their children, which sounds like it was the case with your mom. I went through something similar to you when I had kids. Eventually I got to a place of acceptance. Hoping you do too, it may just take some time.

Nah, there are GenXers who don't like their moms either.

[Anonymous]

I like how the workaholic dads get a free pass.

[Anonymous]

I realized that well before I became a mother, and try hard not to repeat toxic family patterns. I don't succeed all the time, by any means, but I try.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you tell your mom and sister about your nuclear family vacations? Oversharing, perhaps?