Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My kids are 16 and 21 so we’ve been through most of the child rearing stuff and challenges. I can’t wrap my mind around the horrible things my mom said to me year after year, things I would never say to mine no matter how much they’re driving me bonkers. Fortunately I had a great dad. I really love and value my relationship with kids, and am glad our connection is loving and respectful.

Yes. My therapist thinks my mother might actually be a sadist. When I was seven I had a horrendous overbite (like Laura on little house on the prairie) and my mother nicknamed me Beaver Teeth and called me that in public and encouraged others to call me that too. I didn’t open my
Mouth in public for like five years. I can’t even imagine doing something that cruel, can you? Just why?

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're getting so much backlash from the privleged, OP. My father was a raging, abusive @$$hole. I never understood why my mother stayed with my father but considered her a victim much like my siblings and I were. Yet, when my younger two kids were about the same age as my first memories of my younger brother and I, I woke up to just how horrific my childhood was and how complicit my mother was in it. It so discombobulated me that I had to go back to counseling. I couldn't/can't understand why she didn't protect us, why she continued to allow us to live in that kind of environment. She was educated, had resources and a supportive family on her side. Hell, even my paternal grandmother supported her!

It's been about 15 years since I had that revelation. I still have a relationship with my mother and she's an excellent grandmother (easier since my father's long dead and her 2nd DH died 10 years ago) but she laments that we're not closer. People can't understand why her kids are so distant with her because, to everyone else, she's an amazing person - and she is, to them. She's lucky any of us have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My kids are 16 and 21 so we’ve been through most of the child rearing stuff and challenges. I can’t wrap my mind around the horrible things my mom said to me year after year, things I would never say to mine no matter how much they’re driving me bonkers. Fortunately I had a great dad. I really love and value my relationship with kids, and am glad our connection is loving and respectful.

Yes. My therapist thinks my mother might actually be a sadist. When I was seven I had a horrendous overbite (like Laura on little house on the prairie) and my mother nicknamed me Beaver Teeth and called me that in public and encouraged others to call me that too. I didn’t open my
Mouth in public for like five years. I can’t even imagine doing something that cruel, can you? Just why?

My sister had a particular dental issue that my mother always pointed out in others to say how unattractive it was. My sister never mentioned it but even as a kid I thought, wtf lady, why would you say that??? My mother, as I learned as an adult, is absolutely a sadist. A cruel and hateful person. No doubt about it because I am basing that on what I experienced as an adult, not memories from childhood.

But the terrible thing is, I have said very hurtful and damaging things to my own kids over the years. I didn't do it to be sadistic -- I'm not a sadist at all -- I said them in the heat of an argument. Is that any better? I hope so. My kids think not though.

[Anonymous]

I get you OP.

It is so common to hear people say “you will understand when you are a parent”. And to a certain degree that is very true. It can also be true that one discovers the more awful realities of their parent(s) too though. It can also be both!

My kid is 7 now and another on the way. Growing up I had a hard relationship with my mom too. I was clearly not the favorite of her kids and she would say things to my siblings in front of us like “never be like your big sister. She is such a bad kid.” Yea she would literally say that from when I was 8, 9 until I was in my 20s. She would also project her own shame and issues with sexuality onto me. Everything like my interest in using tampons, nail polish, wearing spaghetti strap tops etc… became opportunities to tell me I was a “prostitute”.

I had a really hard time living in her home and was depressed from an early age onward. My mom always told me I was “manipulative” and “bad” though so to a certain degree I doubted my own distress and depression.

After I had a kid I started to really breakdown around my childhood because I realized how utterly sh*tty my mother was to me. I have compassion for her too. I think she holds a lot of childhood trauma, and I think there was something about me that triggered that trauma for her so I was scapegoated in our family. But yea… I could never imagine yelling at my child the way she yelled at me, judged me and openly criticized me as a kid (and well into adolescence and young adulthood too until I put a lot of distance between us as mother and daughter).

Some parents are bad parents for one, some or all of their kids. It’s then up to us to do the work and not carry it forward any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're getting so much backlash from the privleged, OP. My father was a raging, abusive @$$hole. I never understood why my mother stayed with my father but considered her a victim much like my siblings and I were. Yet, when my younger two kids were about the same age as my first memories of my younger brother and I, I woke up to just how horrific my childhood was and how complicit my mother was in it. It so discombobulated me that I had to go back to counseling. I couldn't/can't understand why she didn't protect us, why she continued to allow us to live in that kind of environment. She was educated, had resources and a supportive family on her side. Hell, even my paternal grandmother supported her!

It's been about 15 years since I had that revelation. I still have a relationship with my mother and she's an excellent grandmother (easier since my father's long dead and her 2nd DH died 10 years ago) but she laments that we're not closer. People can't understand why her kids are so distant with her because, to everyone else, she's an amazing person - and she is, to them. She's lucky any of us have a relationship with her.

Do you think you yourself would be the best mother you could be if you were married to a raging, abusive @$$hole?

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

Until I became a mother (and went through therapy), I didn’t realize how narcissistic and toxic my mother was. For instance, she stayed married to my alcoholic father for a lifetime. She also took fabulous solo vacations and left a family of young children in the care of a drunk.

She allowed my father to drive us to and from school and related events when he was drunk and never once called him out on this nor saw a thing wrong with this idea.

My father verbally abused me and she never intervened or helped.

So, I’m a far better mother than mine. Low bar perhaps.

[Anonymous]

You may well be right, OP. I don't know. But I would counsel anyone not to make any major life judgments, decisions or changes with a child under a year if possible. That doesn't mean you're wrong! But if you're right, it will still be there when you come out of infant parenting.

[Anonymous]

I am in the camp that can’t believe how lucky I had it and strive to be as good.

Honestly, I think parents today should step back a little more (I am Gen X).

I have teens now and it is no comparison to infants and toddlers. They are rarely home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get you OP.

It is so common to hear people say “you will understand when you are a parent”. And to a certain degree that is very true. It can also be true that one discovers the more awful realities of their parent(s) too though. It can also be both!

My kid is 7 now and another on the way. Growing up I had a hard relationship with my mom too. I was clearly not the favorite of her kids and she would say things to my siblings in front of us like “never be like your big sister. She is such a bad kid.” Yea she would literally say that from when I was 8, 9 until I was in my 20s. She would also project her own shame and issues with sexuality onto me. Everything like my interest in using tampons, nail polish, wearing spaghetti strap tops etc… became opportunities to tell me I was a “prostitute”.

I had a really hard time living in her home and was depressed from an early age onward. My mom always told me I was “manipulative” and “bad” though so to a certain degree I doubted my own distress and depression.

After I had a kid I started to really breakdown around my childhood because I realized how utterly sh*tty my mother was to me. I have compassion for her too. I think she holds a lot of childhood trauma, and I think there was something about me that triggered that trauma for her so I was scapegoated in our family. But yea… I could never imagine yelling at my child the way she yelled at me, judged me and openly criticized me as a kid (and well into adolescence and young adulthood too until I put a lot of distance between us as mother and daughter).

Some parents are bad parents for one, some or all of their kids. It’s then up to us to do the work and not carry it forward any longer.

I hear you. This is how I feel. I remember being dropped off at college and it was like a weight lifted not having to live under the same roof as my mom. I was shocked at how kind my college classmates were to me. Overnight I didn’t have anyone criticizing me, scolding me, making hysterical accusations etc. strangers were nicer to me than my own mother.

Now that I have kids it’s very difficult to accept how I was treated.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same as OP. My parents were both workaholics that left us with babysitters from breakfast until dinner. As adults, they are not interested in my life.

I don’t think I’m resentful anymore. I just don’t have a strong bond with my parents and no real desire to see them or my sibling.

It’s ok to not want to spend time with your family. I see mine once a year for 4 days. It’s fine for me - and I think for them, too.

I’ve lived in the DC area for 13 years. In that time period I’ve had 3 children, divorced, remarried, had a child graduate high school, and purchased 2 homes. My mom has come to see me 5 times, my dad 3 times. It’s like they can’t be bothered. I’ve made peace with it.

[Anonymous]

My mom was an ok mom--a good mom by some standards not so good by others.

Becoming a parent made me realize that, but also made me realize she did a lot better than her mom did and that I am not a great parent but hopefully better than she was.

[Anonymous]

You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abusive treatment you don’t really owe that person gobs of empathy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get you OP.

It is so common to hear people say “you will understand when you are a parent”. And to a certain degree that is very true. It can also be true that one discovers the more awful realities of their parent(s) too though. It can also be both!

My kid is 7 now and another on the way. Growing up I had a hard relationship with my mom too. I was clearly not the favorite of her kids and she would say things to my siblings in front of us like “never be like your big sister. She is such a bad kid.” Yea she would literally say that from when I was 8, 9 until I was in my 20s. She would also project her own shame and issues with sexuality onto me. Everything like my interest in using tampons, nail polish, wearing spaghetti strap tops etc… became opportunities to tell me I was a “prostitute”.

I had a really hard time living in her home and was depressed from an early age onward. My mom always told me I was “manipulative” and “bad” though so to a certain degree I doubted my own distress and depression.

After I had a kid I started to really breakdown around my childhood because I realized how utterly sh*tty my mother was to me. I have compassion for her too. I think she holds a lot of childhood trauma, and I think there was something about me that triggered that trauma for her so I was scapegoated in our family. But yea… I could never imagine yelling at my child the way she yelled at me, judged me and openly criticized me as a kid (and well into adolescence and young adulthood too until I put a lot of distance between us as mother and daughter).

Some parents are bad parents for one, some or all of their kids. It’s then up to us to do the work and not carry it forward any longer.

I hear you. This is how I feel. I remember being dropped off at college and it was like a weight lifted not having to live under the same roof as my mom. I was shocked at how kind my college classmates were to me. Overnight I didn’t have anyone criticizing me, scolding me, making hysterical accusations etc. strangers were nicer to me than my own mother.

Now that I have kids it’s very difficult to accept how I was treated.

PP here. Yes, I relate to that freedom of moving out. To this day there are still moments in the day when I just sit on the couch and reflect on how darn lucky I am to live in a peaceful home with no one slamming doors, throwing things at me, or yelling at all hours. My mom used to do this thing on mom school day mornings where if she was in a bad mood she would swing my door open, yell at me to get out of the bed, pull the covers off my body and the perseverating would start from there and not end for hours. Just constant criticism of being lazy, the worst, bad - all the while her jaw clenched and shaking with anger over something like my being in bed past 8am. She would just be effing seething. Uhg, and I couldn’t say a single word because if I did it would just escalate things. I seriously developed ptsd from it and have an intense startle reflex and nightmares still where she is yelling at me. It drove me insane - absorbing all that rage of hers and no where to get it out myself. It takes a lot for me to hold the space for the relationship we have today so she can enjoy being a grandma, which she loves.

[Anonymous]

You need to watch Shiny Happy People. Same dynamic across fundie families (regardless of religion).