Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite issue in a way. My mother was bipolar but of that older generation where you didn't discuss mental health etc. I fortunately did not inherit that personality. I raised my two children very different than how I was raised. My child home life was crazy and manic and there was lots of screaming. My home life that I hlgave my children was calm, structured, no screaming, but talking things out etc. I was far from perfect but it was a huge improvement. My own children are grown now and young adults. My daughter unfortunately has bipolar tendencies and she has gone for a lot of counseling and determined that I was a terrible mother who should have done so much better. I should.have helped her embrace her inner artistic skills, not forced her to grow up and go to college vs art school, we should have been wealthier so she didn't have to go out in the real world and make something of her life. She is bitter and barely talks to us. My son did not inherit the bipolar tendency and thinks that we are good parents and did the best we could.

I think when my daughter had children herself she may be more empathetic and less critical about the way she was raised.

We all do the best we can do.

So, you think my mother who stood by while her husband, our father, beat the shLt out of my siblings and me, humiliated us, partially shaved my younger brother's hair, pissed on the kitchen floor while I watched, regularly trashed the house and made me call people and be his mouth piece, repeating his offensive words was doing the best she could do? You think my mother who stood by while my siblings and I had to witness our father, her husband, inflict horrific abuse on people we lived was doing the best she could do?

Just stop spewing this offensive drivel and recognize some people's "best" isn't good enough.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Having my own kids has made me realize just how shitty my own parents were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite issue in a way. My mother was bipolar but of that older generation where you didn't discuss mental health etc. I fortunately did not inherit that personality. I raised my two children very different than how I was raised. My child home life was crazy and manic and there was lots of screaming. My home life that I hlgave my children was calm, structured, no screaming, but talking things out etc. I was far from perfect but it was a huge improvement. My own children are grown now and young adults. My daughter unfortunately has bipolar tendencies and she has gone for a lot of counseling and determined that I was a terrible mother who should have done so much better. I should.have helped her embrace her inner artistic skills, not forced her to grow up and go to college vs art school, we should have been wealthier so she didn't have to go out in the real world and make something of her life. She is bitter and barely talks to us. My son did not inherit the bipolar tendency and thinks that we are good parents and did the best we could.

I think when my daughter had children herself she may be more empathetic and less critical about the way she was raised.

We all do the best we can do.

So, you think my mother who stood by while her husband, our father, beat the shLt out of my siblings and me, humiliated us, partially shaved my younger brother's hair, pissed on the kitchen floor while I watched, regularly trashed the house and made me call people and be his mouth piece, repeating his offensive words was doing the best she could do? You think my mother who stood by while my siblings and I had to witness our father, her husband, inflict horrific abuse on people we lived was doing the best she could do?

Just stop spewing this offensive drivel and recognize some people's "best" isn't good enough.

Let’s get back to OP. Your situation is not like hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite issue in a way. My mother was bipolar but of that older generation where you didn't discuss mental health etc. I fortunately did not inherit that personality. I raised my two children very different than how I was raised. My child home life was crazy and manic and there was lots of screaming. My home life that I hlgave my children was calm, structured, no screaming, but talking things out etc. I was far from perfect but it was a huge improvement. My own children are grown now and young adults. My daughter unfortunately has bipolar tendencies and she has gone for a lot of counseling and determined that I was a terrible mother who should have done so much better. I should.have helped her embrace her inner artistic skills, not forced her to grow up and go to college vs art school, we should have been wealthier so she didn't have to go out in the real world and make something of her life. She is bitter and barely talks to us. My son did not inherit the bipolar tendency and thinks that we are good parents and did the best we could.

I think when my daughter had children herself she may be more empathetic and less critical about the way she was raised.

We all do the best we can do.

So, you think my mother who stood by while her husband, our father, beat the shLt out of my siblings and me, humiliated us, partially shaved my younger brother's hair, pissed on the kitchen floor while I watched, regularly trashed the house and made me call people and be his mouth piece, repeating his offensive words was doing the best she could do? You think my mother who stood by while my siblings and I had to witness our father, her husband, inflict horrific abuse on people we lived was doing the best she could do?

Just stop spewing this offensive drivel and recognize some people's "best" isn't good enough.

She was petrified of him and, just maybe, if she had intervened. He would have murdered all of you. Of course, in an ideal world. She would have bundled all of you up and gone to a shelter. She was probably so emotionally and physically abused that she had given up all hope.

[Anonymous]

Talk to us when you have older kids.

[Anonymous]

If anything having my own kids makes me much more forgiving of parents I knew growing up, especially the single moms I judged harshly before.

[Anonymous]

OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

OP said she grew up in a stable household being emotionally abused from her mother and having an unavailable father so she needs more responses from that group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite issue in a way. My mother was bipolar but of that older generation where you didn't discuss mental health etc. I fortunately did not inherit that personality. I raised my two children very different than how I was raised. My child home life was crazy and manic and there was lots of screaming. My home life that I hlgave my children was calm, structured, no screaming, but talking things out etc. I was far from perfect but it was a huge improvement. My own children are grown now and young adults. My daughter unfortunately has bipolar tendencies and she has gone for a lot of counseling and determined that I was a terrible mother who should have done so much better. I should.have helped her embrace her inner artistic skills, not forced her to grow up and go to college vs art school, we should have been wealthier so she didn't have to go out in the real world and make something of her life. She is bitter and barely talks to us. My son did not inherit the bipolar tendency and thinks that we are good parents and did the best we could.

I think when my daughter had children herself she may be more empathetic and less critical about the way she was raised.

We all do the best we can do.

So, you think my mother who stood by while her husband, our father, beat the shLt out of my siblings and me, humiliated us, partially shaved my younger brother's hair, pissed on the kitchen floor while I watched, regularly trashed the house and made me call people and be his mouth piece, repeating his offensive words was doing the best she could do? You think my mother who stood by while my siblings and I had to witness our father, her husband, inflict horrific abuse on people we lived was doing the best she could do?

Just stop spewing this offensive drivel and recognize some people's "best" isn't good enough.

She was petrified of him and, just maybe, if she had intervened. He would have murdered all of you. Of course, in an ideal world. She would have bundled all of you up and gone to a shelter. She was probably so emotionally and physically abused that she had given up all hope.

Dp. Children come first. Her mom was terrible BECAUSE she didn't protect her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite issue in a way. My mother was bipolar but of that older generation where you didn't discuss mental health etc. I fortunately did not inherit that personality. I raised my two children very different than how I was raised. My child home life was crazy and manic and there was lots of screaming. My home life that I hlgave my children was calm, structured, no screaming, but talking things out etc. I was far from perfect but it was a huge improvement. My own children are grown now and young adults. My daughter unfortunately has bipolar tendencies and she has gone for a lot of counseling and determined that I was a terrible mother who should have done so much better. I should.have helped her embrace her inner artistic skills, not forced her to grow up and go to college vs art school, we should have been wealthier so she didn't have to go out in the real world and make something of her life. She is bitter and barely talks to us. My son did not inherit the bipolar tendency and thinks that we are good parents and did the best we could.

I think when my daughter had children herself she may be more empathetic and less critical about the way she was raised.

We all do the best we can do.

So, you think my mother who stood by while her husband, our father, beat the shLt out of my siblings and me, humiliated us, partially shaved my younger brother's hair, pissed on the kitchen floor while I watched, regularly trashed the house and made me call people and be his mouth piece, repeating his offensive words was doing the best she could do? You think my mother who stood by while my siblings and I had to witness our father, her husband, inflict horrific abuse on people we lived was doing the best she could do?

Just stop spewing this offensive drivel and recognize some people's "best" isn't good enough.

She was petrified of him and, just maybe, if she had intervened. He would have murdered all of you. Of course, in an ideal world. She would have bundled all of you up and gone to a shelter. She was probably so emotionally and physically abused that she had given up all hope.

Her 'best wasn't good enough and she failed at 5he most basic responsibility of motherhood. But we shouldn't judge because it was the best she could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

OP said she grew up in a stable household being emotionally abused from her mother and having an unavailable father so she needs more responses from that group.

A home with an emotionally abusive mother and an unavailable father is not "stable." I get OP used that term, but then she's describing experiences consistent with abuse and neglect. A home with abuse and neglect isn't stable.

It's really common for people who grew up in financially stable homes, middle class or better, to struggle with the idea that their experience was abusive. Even in cases with physical and sexual abuse, it is hard -- I was physically abused as a child and it took me years to even categorize it as abuse (my family justified it as corporal punishment and said it was normal "at the time" but neither were true). Also, part of the emotional abuse is often using the fact that the parents are meeting the child's basic needs (fed, clothed, housed, in school, access to doctors -- the bare minimum required by the law) as evidence that the child can't complain about emotional abuse or neglect. "Look at all I've done for you" is a refrain I heard a lot growing up.

The people piping up that parenthood has made them understand and more sympathetic to their parents, who came from warm and loving homes that may have had issues, don't actually help OP. Because they simply contribute to the gaslighting OP has received since she was a child, that she has nothing to complain about. It is not intentional, but arguing that someone who was ignored by their father and emotionally abused by their mother for their entire childhood was from a normal, stable home is not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

OP said she grew up in a stable household being emotionally abused from her mother and having an unavailable father so she needs more responses from that group.

A home with an emotionally abusive mother and an unavailable father is not "stable." I get OP used that term, but then she's describing experiences consistent with abuse and neglect. A home with abuse and neglect isn't stable.

It's really common for people who grew up in financially stable homes, middle class or better, to struggle with the idea that their experience was abusive. Even in cases with physical and sexual abuse, it is hard -- I was physically abused as a child and it took me years to even categorize it as abuse (my family justified it as corporal punishment and said it was normal "at the time" but neither were true). Also, part of the emotional abuse is often using the fact that the parents are meeting the child's basic needs (fed, clothed, housed, in school, access to doctors -- the bare minimum required by the law) as evidence that the child can't complain about emotional abuse or neglect. "Look at all I've done for you" is a refrain I heard a lot growing up.

The people piping up that parenthood has made them understand and more sympathetic to their parents, who came from warm and loving homes that may have had issues, don't actually help OP. Because they simply contribute to the gaslighting OP has received since she was a child, that she has nothing to complain about. It is not intentional, but arguing that someone who was ignored by their father and emotionally abused by their mother for their entire childhood was from a normal, stable home is not helpful.

How do you know their homes weren’t similar to OP’s? It is easy to assume other people had it better than you because you don’t know what they have worked through on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

You explained yourself fine. You just triggered a bunch of people who feel defensive about their own parenting or who are still processing what they dealt with as kids. And maybe just a few random jerks.

I think what you are going through is totally normal. Some people actually find it healing to recognize that they are parting their child the way they should have been parented, but resentment, sadness, and other uncomfortable feelings pop up along the way.

You didn't ask, but just know that it would be OK for you and your DH to keep your vacation plans to yourselves to prevent your mom and sister from "crashing" Just lie to them. They seem to have a dysfunctional dynamic that requires you being around. It is totally fine for you not to play in to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

You explained yourself fine. You just triggered a bunch of people who feel defensive about their own parenting or who are still processing what they dealt with as kids. And maybe just a few random jerks.

I think what you are going through is totally normal. Some people actually find it healing to recognize that they are parting their child the way they should have been parented, but resentment, sadness, and other uncomfortable feelings pop up along the way.

You didn't ask, but just know that it would be OK for you and your DH to keep your vacation plans to yourselves to prevent your mom and sister from "crashing" Just lie to them. They seem to have a dysfunctional dynamic that requires you being around. It is totally fine for you not to play in to that.

Dp. That is so interesting to me. My sisters summon me to family events, ignore or harass me while I'm there and punish me when I decline invitations. Recently, my sister refused to come with me to a doctor's appt where I was expecting (and received) a life altering diagnosis. The reason she gave was because I don't attend family functions.