Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

So you came back to criticize your mom even more. I am sure your mom did her best like most moms do. You will find it’s not as easy as you think. Your time will come so let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

It is because while she did not give you everything you think you deserved or everything you plan to give your children just remember she had way less than even you had. She did the best she could with the very little parenting she got, and you were going to do the best you can with the very little parenting you got, and then your children are going to judge you the same way because they had more, but they’re not gonna understand why they didn’t have even more.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have issues Op
Don't burden your child with it. Time to get over it.

[Anonymous]

"crashing my vacation"
Clearly you don't speak-up, speak your mind, present yourself in a genuine way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

This is also a reflection of the kind of person you are -- you withdrew. Maybe if you wish you had a deeper/warmer emotional connection to your mother, you can accept her for who she is, and accept that she is your mother, and you NEED her, flaws and all. Don't withdraw from the relationship when she bothers you -- just accept that your mother bugs you but you still love and need her. You can't say, I'll only love and need a perfect mother. We love and need the mother we have. There is no one else who can take her place. You will always have that void inside of you without her. Why can't you admit that? Because your ego says you deserve better than the mother you have for some crazy reason.

You get what you get in life. It's her or no one. She doesn't sound as bad as all that, OP. Are her flaws really worth you not having an emotional relationship with your mother at all? Seems extreme, and clearly your loss.

[Anonymous]

Oh, well all of you think so negatively about your moms. It's just part of your culture. It's all the rage to bring up made up trauma, anxiety producing personalities, yadda yadda yadda. Your parents were fine, and you know it. Can't WAIT to see your kids in 25 years. Save us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

So, blame religion, not a whole generation of mothers. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Don’t use words like “crappy” to describe your own mother. Show some respect OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 2.5 year old a newborn (3mo old) and have only really been able to clearly see what a crappy mom my own mother was. I was confused for so long because I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas but really zero emotional warmth and connection and just thought that was somewhat normal for everyone for so long.

My dad is wonderful but a workaholic so my younger sister and I were with our mom most of the time who was a SAHM but was just lazy and yelled at us all the time, pitted my sister and I against each other and seemingly always took her side in every conflict. My teenage years were pretty rough but luckily I did really well in high school and was able to go to a top college far away and settled down a plane ride and time zone away. I'm not close with either my mom or sister to this day but see them a few times a year out of a sense of obligation. They get annoyed that I don't want to spend all of my scarce vacation time schlepping halfway across the country to see them so have taken it upon themselves to crashing my vacation (DH and I have started our own little nuclear family tradition of spending a certain week in a certain place and they just happened to book their own house in the same town).

I turned out fine on paper - nice job/husband/kids/house in suburbs etc. Not really a question but I guess I just really find it so tedious to spend time with them and want to make sure I don't repeat this pattern with my kids? Can anyone else commiserate?

So, your Dad was a workaholic, but somehow your mother takes the blame. Do I have that right?
Single mother raising teenage girls , who just "Looooovve" Daddy, with Mom taking all the heat. Read your own words and see if you can figure this out on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

OP, I felt this way about my mom, almost entirely due to the religious aspect. It really had an impact on what I shared with her and thus our level of closeness. And when I had a baby, I felt more distanced - at first. But over time, I've realized that sometimes there is just a personality mismatch between mother and child and that's okay. She is fundamentally a good person and as I've grown older, I have a new appreciation for her and try harder to see her perspective.

[Anonymous]

Well, not crappy, but she wasn't necessarily suited for the role or at least for four kids.

There are a lot of reasons why I could go off on my parents, but I believe, at the end of the day, that they did the best they could with the cards in their hand (even if I become increasingly more aware of the more circumscribed set of experiences I had compared to my friends and classmates).

[Anonymous]

word choice matters

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this! I actually had a semi breakdown when I had my kids and realized how terrible my mother was. I mean we had always been at odds but it just hit me in the gut when I had my own and realized that my mother didn't have the kind of instincts I have to protect, encourage, and lift-up. And to have a dad who could witness the things my mom did and look the other way to keep the peace for himself. It's just gut wrenching to realize that you have the helpless beings in your care and you have the power to nuture them or destroy them. My mom chose destroy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to this! I actually had a semi breakdown when I had my kids and realized how terrible my mother was. I mean we had always been at odds but it just hit me in the gut when I had my own and realized that my mother didn't have the kind of instincts I have to protect, encourage, and lift-up. And to have a dad who could witness the things my mom did and look the other way to keep the peace for himself. It's just gut wrenching to realize that you have the helpless beings in your care and you have the power to nuture them or destroy them. My mom chose destroy.

Reading your post... Clearly it worked.

[Anonymous]

Yes I have experienced this and it’s been rough the last few years.

I also had a seemingly nice childhood with 2 educated parents, stability and many opportunities.

But my parents did not really offer me love, encouragement or believe in me. I was constantly put down and criticized. Now that I have my own kids I can’t imagine behaving like how my parents did.

I try to remind myself they were trying their best.