Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something I realized after I had kids was that both my parents viewed my siblings and I as competition, and that much of their behavior stemmed from jealousy. Especially when we were teenagers, and therefore more like adults. Instead of being proud or encouraging when we got good grades or excelled at something, they’d often criticize or minimize it, because they found it threatening. They were both very insecure and hated the idea that any of us kids would surpass them.

They also tried (and in some cases succeeded) in creating codependent relationships with us. My mom especially loved it when one of us failed because they could swoop in and “rescue”, which would also involve a lot of condescension from both of them. It was a relief for them to re-establish themselves as dominant and superior.

I moved faaaaaaaar away to get away from that dynamic, but I didn’t really know what it was until I had a child and understood, by contrast, how much my parents’ behavior was driven by competition and jealousy instead of love, support, and guidance.

Ugh this resonates so much with me. My mom is a jealous, jealous woman. Growing up she constantly put everyone else down and made everything a competition between me and other girls. She thought somehow that if I was better then that made her better. She shit talked even her one close friend. As I grew up and got away from her and was successful she would constantly put me down, saying I should be in another career, my husband was prob cheating on me, I should be doing xyz with my kids. She would never help me with anything - not emotionally, not my kids, not financially. And when something would go wrong in my life she would gleefully swoop in and revel in my misfortune. When I saw her begin to treat my young daughter in the same ways I cut contact for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something I realized after I had kids was that both my parents viewed my siblings and I as competition, and that much of their behavior stemmed from jealousy. Especially when we were teenagers, and therefore more like adults. Instead of being proud or encouraging when we got good grades or excelled at something, they’d often criticize or minimize it, because they found it threatening. They were both very insecure and hated the idea that any of us kids would surpass them.

They also tried (and in some cases succeeded) in creating codependent relationships with us. My mom especially loved it when one of us failed because they could swoop in and “rescue”, which would also involve a lot of condescension from both of them. It was a relief for them to re-establish themselves as dominant and superior.

I moved faaaaaaaar away to get away from that dynamic, but I didn’t really know what it was until I had a child and understood, by contrast, how much my parents’ behavior was driven by competition and jealousy instead of love, support, and guidance.

Ugh this resonates so much with me. My mom is a jealous, jealous woman. Growing up she constantly put everyone else down and made everything a competition between me and other girls. She thought somehow that if I was better then that made her better. She shit talked even her one close friend. As I grew up and got away from her and was successful she would constantly put me down, saying I should be in another career, my husband was prob cheating on me, I should be doing xyz with my kids. She would never help me with anything - not emotionally, not my kids, not financially. And when something would go wrong in my life she would gleefully swoop in and revel in my misfortune. When I saw her begin to treat my young daughter in the same ways I cut contact for good.

PP with BPD/NPD mom here. Normal conversations with my mother were not possible. She'd take an innocuous comment like, "Oh, I just adore Stacy," and make it an interrogation about what makes Stacy so great. She was jealous of my feelings about my friends! I also cut off for the protection of my kid. I had already seen how she was doing with her other grandchildren (comparing the looks of two girls, talking to them about topics that their parents asked her not to, chasing them down when she wanted attention)-- it was not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

How does the 'serious health problems' of your UMC friends impact their parenting? Are they blaming the kids for their misfortunes? Do the kids have to take over parental responsibilities? Do the kids have to administer medications and clean bed pans?

No one said people are living misfortune-free lives. We're saying that the majority of people who have not experienced trauma inflicted/allowed by parents and/or those who struggle to be successful have little compassion for those who have struggled to overcome obstacles. That the privilege people like your UMC friends experience derive from their outstanding character and breeding rather than them winning the life lottery. That doesn't mean they have no problems but when you've got money and had a stable upbringing, your POV can be pretty narrow and incomplete.

[Anonymous]

OP, No need to defend yourself, the shitty parents are tearing their ugly heads. I totally get what you are saying. My mom is so judgmental, and controlling. I never want my kids to fear telling me anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

[Anonymous]

YES on every level. It astounds me. She wasn’t harmful but she wasn’t loving or engaged at all. Didn’t realize it then but I do now.

[Anonymous]

No, on the contrary, I realized how depressed and stressed out my mom probably was and had more empathy for her. I always thought she was just really into being a mom and it came super natural to her, but she made conscious choices to make everything about the kids and it had huge costs for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

"Crashing my vacation" would make me absolutely insane. I would do everything I could to make sure that they didn't know when and where I would be for vacation. I would move spots and dates and never EVER tell them about it. Super secret spy vacation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Sometimes from abusive backgrounds have misfortunes and have to deal with it while also dealing with on-going abuse. I had an alcoholic, abusive mother and I got ovarian cancer when I was 39. My abusive, alcoholic mother constantly yelled at me for being "such a f***ing baby" about my cancer. I was terrified and struggling with the fear of dying when I had two children under the age of 5, and she verbally abused me about it daily. She told all of my relatives and family friends and childhood acquaintances that I wasn't that sick and that I was playing up my illness for attention. I went no contact with her over that. She threw enormous tantrums because my treatment interfered with her ability to demand that I do errands for her or visit her. I didn't have the bandwith for her shenanigans and chemo at the same time.

My health problem was much worse because my mother was a jerk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.

+1,000,000

The older I get (52 now) the more I realize that the better off people are the less they have compassion for others with less fortunate lives - this is true of financial prosperity and also interpersonal prosperity.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I really do feel the majority of people with charmed lives have little compassion for those of us who have suffered from the start by losing the parent lottery, or those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle to make a good living. Those misfortunes don’t reflect on character but charmed life people often feel they are somehow better people and that accounts for their blessings.

It's true. The blessed folks think they were chosen for those blessings, that someone decided they deserved them. Which means, of course, that those of us withy screwed up, dysfunctional families simply were not good enough humans to deserve a happy, healthy family.

I hear what you are saying but I have yet to meet a UMC family without some major issues. Not everyone shares their misfortunes. The one family I thought had a charmed life has both husband and wife dealing with serious health problems that are not obvious unless you spend a lot of time with them.

Your comment once again congratulates UMC people from functional families for doing things that are EASIER for them specifically because they are privileged.

Like you say “not everyone shares their misfortunes.” Right, if you’re from a supportive family with means, you don’t have to share your misfortune because you have all the resources to address those problems within your own family. You can lean on your parents and pay for extra help. You might never let on that you are dealing with illness or loss, because you don’t need support from anyone else.

Everyone experiences misfortune, but people from abusive backgrounds often have to deal with it on their own without family support. They also may struggle more simply because they don’t have the foundation of a safe, healthy, and functional childhood to draw on.

Not everyone shares their misfortunes because they were raised by families that didn’t complain. Guess that wasn’t your inheritsnce.

I was raised to never complain, but have learned to "share my misfortune" because I discovered that hiding it and pretending everything was great all the time was slowly killing me.

I’m glad that worked for you but that doesn’t mean people who don’t are getting extra help or have it better. You just don’t know

Dp. You don't understand what pp is explaining to you. You are fortunate, indeed.

I understand that you can spend your life looking backwards and resenting what life has given you or you can look ahead and do you best with today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, on the contrary, I realized how depressed and stressed out my mom probably was and had more empathy for her. I always thought she was just really into being a mom and it came super natural to her, but she made conscious choices to make everything about the kids and it had huge costs for her.

Empathy is really the key to finding peace. The older I get, the more I have empathy for my parents because of the incredible trauma they lived through.