Ex DH is a Christian who ended our marriage due to adultery

[Anonymous]

1. Your marriage is over. Deal with it.
2. He will marry her, be happy or he won't and will continue to play around. Not your concern any more!
3. He does get to raise his kids in the beliefs you both agreed upon, even if he is a lying cheating whatever. Yup.

4. Get off the " forgiveness" or "repenting" stuff.
What is your concern here? You sound a little more odd than the whole situation, actually. Why do you care?

5. Move on with your life and be happy- part 2 for you. You can do it, ok? Live your life with your beliefs.

6. But while we are here,I have to add- in living your life, do your LEVEL BEST to stay out of the legislature that defines MY life, ok? Or anyone else's life. You do you.
Deal.

Now move on, dear.

[Anonymous]

I want to say this delicately as I do see the value in religion and in fact am a member of a church. However, I consider my association with church/Christianity to be cultural and I don't believe that the Bible is literally true.

OK, so I think that believing in the supernatural or holy books sets people up for this kind of things. It's a chicken and an egg kind of thing . . . do people believe these things because their personalities are such that they can't face the wonders and unknowns of the universe and need pat answers? Or does believing things that would obviously be considered fables and myths in another culture slowly erode our ability to discern reality? IDK.

Another thing to point out is intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. People who are motivated by not being punished (maybe . . . if they are caught . . . but wouldn't God just forgive them later if they repent?) are less strongly motivated than those who choose live with integrity for integrity's sake. We shouldn't need to believe in a Big Daddy in the sky who will punish us if we get out of line in order to know that we need to live by the golden rule.

You know what happens ALL THE TIME? Prisoners convert while in prison. They get "prison ministry penpals" and "fall in love" with the ladies writing them letters. Isn't it super convenient that they chose a religion that comes with a big "get out of jail free" card? You don't have to pay your debt because Jesus already did!

Combining your story and my last example . . . someone close to me left her husband of 30 years for her prison ministry penpal (a r*pist!). She said God led her to do it. Apparently, after this guy beat her up, God also led her to leave him. But wait, actually, God led HIM to leave her for . .. someone he met at truck driving school. It gets very confusing about whom God is leading to chuck their spouse for someone more enticing, but apparently, God is a very complicated match-making and un-making app . . .

Your kids will see through this. Your husband is doing them a disservice. You can't be this huge of a hypocrite and expect your kids not to notice. It would be better just to say "I know I made a bad choice and went against what the Bible teaches" rather than pretending the creator of the universe is intimately concerned with your love life.

Adultery is wrong because one person thinks they are in a contract with another, who is secretly breaking it so they don't have to deal with the consequences. It's fine to end a marriage or relationship and start a new one. It's not OK to lie and gaslight and blame, and take a person's ability to make informed decisions away from them. And no church is going to whitewash that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

Why did you have this notion of a true believer being more moral or ethical than someone else?

Your husband is human. He has human flaws. His desire to feel close to God and to have his children, whom he loves, follow his faith has nothing to do with his mistake of getting married to the wrong person in his 20s. A LOT of people make that mistake.

You need to move on, for your own mental health. You can change church. You can meet someone too, a better human (even if they might not be of your religious persuasion).

I have Catholic roots. My husband, an atheist, jokes that the only people who need religion are the weak ones who sin more. My opinion is that followers of a religious faith aren't better or worse than others.

Stop ruminating about this flawed individual. He is now merely the co-parent. Find happiness elsewhere.

It's just not that easy. I married him and I truly believed in a lifetime of marriage. I believe that every marriage goes through valleys and trials. But that we are not to give into temptation, and that if we do, we stop, we confess our sin, we turn from the sin that ensnares us, and return to the Lord. That ultimately God delivers us from the sins that can destroy us. That's the moral and theological view we BOTH had - when we volunteered at VBS, when we lead a home bible study together. He never said he married the wrong person. He said he changed, and during the height of his affair, he said he was "probably never saved" and was going to hell anyway. This new person comes along and was a true sexual temptation. He was attracted to her. If she was 200 pounds and unattractive, he would not have ended our marriage to be "her person." He was deeply attracted to her and wanted to be with another woman. That's just sin.

I think he said that so he could mark his conversation from after he left you. Then he wasn't a huge hypocrite because he wasn't really saved then. But now he is, really, he pinky swears that he's really truly saved this time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move on OP.

The sincerity of your ExDH’s faith is between him and God. He is a flawed person, as we all are, and in time your children will see him as human. He preyed on a vulnerable woman and broke up her family just as he broke up yours. Maybe he will be her person forever. Maybe he will be with her until another needy, vulnerable woman comes along and offers him the chance to rescue her. Not your problem.

You have a deep and strong faith. Your ex is taking steps to raise your children in that faith. What else do you want? If your children were vegetarians and your ex was not, but made an effort to feed them healthy vegetarian meals when in his custody - would you complain because he goes out for a burger as soon as he drops them off? Or would you prefer he fed them meat?

Her ex does not understand the faith. He can't teach it. It must be lived.

Should he not take them to church at all? There are other adult teachers and mentors in a church setting. OP (and you in that comment) want a level of perfection that is not possible. Do you perfectly live your faith?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to say this delicately as I do see the value in religion and in fact am a member of a church. However, I consider my association with church/Christianity to be cultural and I don't believe that the Bible is literally true.

OK, so I think that believing in the supernatural or holy books sets people up for this kind of things. It's a chicken and an egg kind of thing . . . do people believe these things because their personalities are such that they can't face the wonders and unknowns of the universe and need pat answers? Or does believing things that would obviously be considered fables and myths in another culture slowly erode our ability to discern reality? IDK.

Another thing to point out is intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. People who are motivated by not being punished (maybe . . . if they are caught . . . but wouldn't God just forgive them later if they repent?) are less strongly motivated than those who choose live with integrity for integrity's sake. We shouldn't need to believe in a Big Daddy in the sky who will punish us if we get out of line in order to know that we need to live by the golden rule.

You know what happens ALL THE TIME? Prisoners convert while in prison. They get "prison ministry penpals" and "fall in love" with the ladies writing them letters. Isn't it super convenient that they chose a religion that comes with a big "get out of jail free" card? You don't have to pay your debt because Jesus already did!

Combining your story and my last example . . . someone close to me left her husband of 30 years for her prison ministry penpal (a r*pist!). She said God led her to do it. Apparently, after this guy beat her up, God also led her to leave him. But wait, actually, God led HIM to leave her for . .. someone he met at truck driving school. It gets very confusing about whom God is leading to chuck their spouse for someone more enticing, but apparently, God is a very complicated match-making and un-making app . . .

Your kids will see through this. Your husband is doing them a disservice. You can't be this huge of a hypocrite and expect your kids not to notice. It would be better just to say "I know I made a bad choice and went against what the Bible teaches" rather than pretending the creator of the universe is intimately concerned with your love life.

Adultery is wrong because one person thinks they are in a contract with another, who is secretly breaking it so they don't have to deal with the consequences. It's fine to end a marriage or relationship and start a new one. It's not OK to lie and gaslight and blame, and take a person's ability to make informed decisions away from them. And no church is going to whitewash that.

God gets blamed for a whole lot of stuff people do on their lonesome but are ashamed to admit.

[Anonymous]

My uncle did this to his ex wife. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move on OP.

The sincerity of your ExDH’s faith is between him and God. He is a flawed person, as we all are, and in time your children will see him as human. He preyed on a vulnerable woman and broke up her family just as he broke up yours. Maybe he will be her person forever. Maybe he will be with her until another needy, vulnerable woman comes along and offers him the chance to rescue her. Not your problem.

You have a deep and strong faith. Your ex is taking steps to raise your children in that faith. What else do you want? If your children were vegetarians and your ex was not, but made an effort to feed them healthy vegetarian meals when in his custody - would you complain because he goes out for a burger as soon as he drops them off? Or would you prefer he fed them meat?

Her ex does not understand the faith. He can't teach it. It must be lived.

Should he not take them to church at all? There are other adult teachers and mentors in a church setting. OP (and you in that comment) want a level of perfection that is not possible. Do you perfectly live your faith?

He can but it would be their relationship with God during the service, not anything to do with him. Adultery is premeditated and certainly divorce and remarriage is. The man isn't actively seeking to be a better person and admit this fault, so why wouldn't the kids just see this as all meaningless? Say the man is a convicted murderer instead that finally got out of jail but isn't sorry for the murder? Is it still beneficial that he take them to church? Perhaps, because the kids could be at church, but it has nothing to do with him. if they just went with the mom on the other weeks would it make that much of a difference? I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can understand why you feel your ex/husband has disappointed you by breaking up your family when he claimed to initially be a man of God.

Just know that human nature is what it is and that your husband may have personally asked for the Lord’s forgiveness in his own manner.

By cheating on you + now moving on w/another woman - he may know he made a bad choice, but is willing to deal w/the fallout of that choice.
He may believe he has been forgiven for his actions.

It seems you think that he may only have been asking forgiveness if he repented by staying w/you but that may not be how he sees it.
He may have repented to God yet have not have chosen to remain w/you.

It just seems fundamentally that you believe the proper way for him to repent would be to remain married to you which does not seem to be what he wants now.

You have no way to gouge his relationship now w/the Lord.
Just be blessed that he is bringing your children to church w/him.
The children are what matter the most now.

I would be so annoyed at him too but if you carry this animosity around it will only make you unhappy for the rest of your life.

Please do not let it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. He has not just betrayed you once by cheating on you, leaving you, and refusing to admit that was wrong, but he's continuing to do it by showing up at your SAME church and expecting to never be criticized or held to account in any uncomfortable way. And you can't make him face social consequences because it makes YOU look like the problem. He's put you in a horrible position. I just want to validate that and say your rage is justified. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

In breaking news, person who is deeply involved in Christian church is a hypocritical liar who continues to weaponize religion as a way to dodge all accountability.

By the way, OP, I am not making fun of you and I am sorry you are in distress, but I may be making fun of the many hypocrites I see who wield religion like a weapon. I am also not sure your feelings would be that different from someone who sees their lying cheating ex moving on and pretending he did nothing wrong, with or without religion playing a role in it. It hurts to be betrayed and its hard for people with a strong conscience to understand how others can so easily and glibly lie and do bad things. You do not need religion to be a decent, accountable person. Atheists have to think about ethics and morality without any concept of sin or punishment or reward in an afterlife or some higher judgment but simply based on concepts of ethical treatment and integrity. Maybe its easier if you believe that you can do terrible thigns and still get away with it as long as you repent.

[Anonymous]

I’ll preface this with the fact I grew up in Christian youth groups etc and had my mom refuse to divorce my dad even when he was living with another woman - he had to be the one to file because his AP wanted them to be married …and my dad went to church/son of a deacon etc. So I’ve yet to reconcile hypocrisy and religion and turning a blind eye to misdeeds because someone claims to be religious and/or have moral authority.

So this is my opinion as someone not practicing but grew up in that world that you have to separate your relationship with Christ separate from what someone else who claims to follow is doing. The Bible is literally full of stories of people that claimed to follow religion and their actions said otherwise. Why do we forget that? The second is that while there are stories of miracles, that doesn’t negate in my mind going to a doctor for a physical ailment or a therapist to help with the mind/emotions. There is a reason why your ex needed to feel like someone else’s savior rather than an equal in the marriage and could not communicate honestly if he was unhappy in the marriage or with religion prior to connecting with the OW. Faith might be a catalyst to seek that help but I don’t think it automatically gives someone good communication skills, self-awareness, and replaces therapy. I do agree that your DH is probably also trying to see himself as a good person even while they he did things that are counter to that but your road has to be one of focusing on your journey in religion and helping the kids have the tools that they need to have healthy relationships that co-exists with the religious foundation.

[Anonymous]

Your husband lied about his devotion during the 16 years he was married to you and he’s continuing that pattern today. For your own sake, learn how to forgive him if only so that you can be free of the hurt and anger that is making you miserable. Step forward with your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, if ex is going to your church-make sure to have a discussion with the pastor/leadership to make them aware of the situation. Church should be a safe place for you.

Ex can find a new church where he can put on whatever act he wants.

[Anonymous]

This is more from HR world than marriage/gaith, but it still applies:

You cannot change other people's behavior, only your reaction to it.

He will remain a sinner and cheater and hypocrite in your eyes forever. You can't change that. But your children, his children, are watching and learning from your behavior. Your mental well being, and your physical well being depends on your reaction.

You do not need to choose to forgive or forget, but you need to be at peace within yourself, and not harbor resentment and anger. Best of luck

[Anonymous]

I’m an atheist and I would never laugh at someone else’s troubles or pain.

I’m sorry you are going through this…I truly am. Big hugs to you and your children.