Ex DH is a Christian who ended our marriage due to adultery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

Why did you have this notion of a true believer being more moral or ethical than someone else?

Your husband is human. He has human flaws. His desire to feel close to God and to have his children, whom he loves, follow his faith has nothing to do with his mistake of getting married to the wrong person in his 20s. A LOT of people make that mistake.

You need to move on, for your own mental health. You can change church. You can meet someone too, a better human (even if they might not be of your religious persuasion).

I have Catholic roots. My husband, an atheist, jokes that the only people who need religion are the weak ones who sin more. My opinion is that followers of a religious faith aren't better or worse than others.

Stop ruminating about this flawed individual. He is now merely the co-parent. Find happiness elsewhere.

It's just not that easy. I married him and I truly believed in a lifetime of marriage. I believe that every marriage goes through valleys and trials. But that we are not to give into temptation, and that if we do, we stop, we confess our sin, we turn from the sin that ensnares us, and return to the Lord. That ultimately God delivers us from the sins that can destroy us. That's the moral and theological view we BOTH had - when we volunteered at VBS, when we lead a home bible study together. He never said he married the wrong person. He said he changed, and during the height of his affair, he said he was "probably never saved" and was going to hell anyway. This new person comes along and was a true sexual temptation. He was attracted to her. If she was 200 pounds and unattractive, he would not have ended our marriage to be "her person." He was deeply attracted to her and wanted to be with another woman. That's just sin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean any offense OP, and having been raised a Christian I have respect for your faith.

However, it was the massive hypocrisy of so many Christians - both those I knew firsthand and those I observed in the world around me - that drove me away from the church entirely.

I don’t know what to say to you other than I sympathize with your situation and your pain. When I practiced family law in a fairly conservative rural area I saw this over and over again. Cheaters are huge hypocrites and religious cheaters are the worst of them because they somehow manage to warp everything about their faith so that they are forgiven without truly seeking redemption. Same thing applies to the professed believers who spend their lives making fortunes on the suffering of others and don’t commit to service and charity.

Your kids are the hypocrisy. They may not speak or act now, but as they grow into adulthood it will likely express in how they feel about faith and family.

I'm really resonating with what you said here: " Cheaters are huge hypocrites and religious cheaters are the worst of them because they somehow manage to warp everything about their faith so that they are forgiven without truly seeking redemption."

This is the doctrine of cheap grace, essentially. The benefits of Christianity without any of the costs.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if I'm an atheist or religious my take is the same. I'm sorry you went through this, but isn't forgiveness for one's sins fundamental to your faith? He sinned. And tried to make excuses for it by saying he probably wasn't a true believer in the first place. But now he wants to point the children to God. Ok, that's seems a but hypocritical, but why do you object to that. Because he's a flawed human? Basically he 's just another horny male trying to make excuses for the powerful sex-drive God gave us. I don't get why organized religion doesn't see this. It's the cause of so many problems with the churches these days.

[Anonymous]

I was raised Methodist and consider myself a Christian. I have to say, you and your husband are poster children for how religion is misused.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Lets create a post whose real purpose is to attack religion.
Why didn't you just put it in the religion forum category?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

Why did you have this notion of a true believer being more moral or ethical than someone else?

Your husband is human. He has human flaws. His desire to feel close to God and to have his children, whom he loves, follow his faith has nothing to do with his mistake of getting married to the wrong person in his 20s. A LOT of people make that mistake.

You need to move on, for your own mental health. You can change church. You can meet someone too, a better human (even if they might not be of your religious persuasion).

I have Catholic roots. My husband, an atheist, jokes that the only people who need religion are the weak ones who sin more. My opinion is that followers of a religious faith aren't better or worse than others.

Stop ruminating about this flawed individual. He is now merely the co-parent. Find happiness elsewhere.

It's just not that easy. I married him and I truly believed in a lifetime of marriage. I believe that every marriage goes through valleys and trials. But that we are not to give into temptation, and that if we do, we stop, we confess our sin, we turn from the sin that ensnares us, and return to the Lord. That ultimately God delivers us from the sins that can destroy us. That's the moral and theological view we BOTH had - when we volunteered at VBS, when we lead a home bible study together. He never said he married the wrong person. He said he changed, and during the height of his affair, he said he was "probably never saved" and was going to hell anyway. This new person comes along and was a true sexual temptation. He was attracted to her. If she was 200 pounds and unattractive, he would not have ended our marriage to be "her person." He was deeply attracted to her and wanted to be with another woman. That's just sin.

Yes. What he did was shitty, and you didn’t get what you bargained for, and that makes you mad and sad and confused. But it is done, and it’s time for you to move on.

I am pretty sure you are not God. He doesn’t have to repent to you. And you are not the one who gets to judge his sins.

[Anonymous]

This is very true: "Basically he 's just another horny male trying to make excuses for the powerful sex-drive God gave us. I don't get why organized religion doesn't see this. It's the cause of so many problems with the churches these days."

When he left me for her, he didn't say he wanted to build a life with her or share his life with her. He didn't want to marry her or become a stepdad to her children. He just wants to...date her. That's it. He left behind a covenant marriage and the stability we built for our children so he could have sex with another woman and go to concerts and shows. This was all wrapped up in a massive midlife crisis where he was also now obsessed with music and concerts. Not in raising his children, emotionally connecting with his wife, staying committed to his faith. Nope. He discarded all of us due to a raging midlife crisis, focused on music and concerts, and the allure of a new sex partner. I know I should forgive him and you are absolutely right, forgiveness is a basic tenent of our faith. What hurts is the loss, and the cost of the decisions he's made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure. Lets create a post whose real purpose is to attack religion.
Why didn't you just put it in the religion forum category?

You're right, I should have posted there. If Jeff wants to move my post there, that's fine. SIGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

Why did you have this notion of a true believer being more moral or ethical than someone else?

Your husband is human. He has human flaws. His desire to feel close to God and to have his children, whom he loves, follow his faith has nothing to do with his mistake of getting married to the wrong person in his 20s. A LOT of people make that mistake.

You need to move on, for your own mental health. You can change church. You can meet someone too, a better human (even if they might not be of your religious persuasion).

I have Catholic roots. My husband, an atheist, jokes that the only people who need religion are the weak ones who sin more. My opinion is that followers of a religious faith aren't better or worse than others.

Stop ruminating about this flawed individual. He is now merely the co-parent. Find happiness elsewhere.

It's just not that easy. I married him and I truly believed in a lifetime of marriage. I believe that every marriage goes through valleys and trials. But that we are not to give into temptation, and that if we do, we stop, we confess our sin, we turn from the sin that ensnares us, and return to the Lord. That ultimately God delivers us from the sins that can destroy us. That's the moral and theological view we BOTH had - when we volunteered at VBS, when we lead a home bible study together. He never said he married the wrong person. He said he changed, and during the height of his affair, he said he was "probably never saved" and was going to hell anyway. This new person comes along and was a true sexual temptation. He was attracted to her. If she was 200 pounds and unattractive, he would not have ended our marriage to be "her person." He was deeply attracted to her and wanted to be with another woman. That's just sin.

Yes. What he did was shitty, and you didn’t get what you bargained for, and that makes you mad and sad and confused. But it is done, and it’s time for you to move on.

I am pretty sure you are not God. He doesn’t have to repent to you. And you are not the one who gets to judge his sins.

I understand that I have to move on and I must move on. I get that. I just feel TRIGGERED. When I go to church and see him there with his weathered bible, I want to scream FRAUD AND HYPOCRITE. Yet I know, morally speaking, I'm also a fraud and hypocrite. All of this seems so f* ed up. And my poor confused children have to deal with this too. I personally feel so morally lost, because I didn't want to lose my husband and family. I believe God stood by to save and redeem this situation. But my ex pushed God away. Refused to speak to a pastor. Refused to get Christian therapy. Refused to repent. And the fact that he's back at church is killing me. It's all just so confusing and painful. I do want to move on, but I think one of the hardest things in life to achieve is to move on from an ex that you are also coparenting with. I wish I could never see him again, but I have to see with him, and deal with him, and I just still feel so hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure. Lets create a post whose real purpose is to attack religion.
Why didn't you just put it in the religion forum category?

please, not you again.
Take your cynicism elsewhere. Can't you feel the OP's genuine pain? She's looking for an answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very true: "Basically he 's just another horny male trying to make excuses for the powerful sex-drive God gave us. I don't get why organized religion doesn't see this. It's the cause of so many problems with the churches these days."

When he left me for her, he didn't say he wanted to build a life with her or share his life with her. He didn't want to marry her or become a stepdad to her children. He just wants to...date her. That's it. He left behind a covenant marriage and the stability we built for our children so he could have sex with another woman and go to concerts and shows. This was all wrapped up in a massive midlife crisis where he was also now obsessed with music and concerts. Not in raising his children, emotionally connecting with his wife, staying committed to his faith. Nope. He discarded all of us due to a raging midlife crisis, focused on music and concerts, and the allure of a new sex partner. I know I should forgive him and you are absolutely right, forgiveness is a basic tenent of our faith. What hurts is the loss, and the cost of the decisions he's made.

Your OP made it sound like you’re separated, not divorced. That might be why he can only date her…

[Anonymous]

We are almost divorced. But he doesn't ever want to marry her because he doesn't want to be a stepdad for her kids. He just wants to have fun with her. Coparent with me and have fun with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

Why did you have this notion of a true believer being more moral or ethical than someone else?

Your husband is human. He has human flaws. His desire to feel close to God and to have his children, whom he loves, follow his faith has nothing to do with his mistake of getting married to the wrong person in his 20s. A LOT of people make that mistake.

You need to move on, for your own mental health. You can change church. You can meet someone too, a better human (even if they might not be of your religious persuasion).

I have Catholic roots. My husband, an atheist, jokes that the only people who need religion are the weak ones who sin more. My opinion is that followers of a religious faith aren't better or worse than others.

Stop ruminating about this flawed individual. He is now merely the co-parent. Find happiness elsewhere.

It's just not that easy. I married him and I truly believed in a lifetime of marriage. I believe that every marriage goes through valleys and trials. But that we are not to give into temptation, and that if we do, we stop, we confess our sin, we turn from the sin that ensnares us, and return to the Lord. That ultimately God delivers us from the sins that can destroy us. That's the moral and theological view we BOTH had - when we volunteered at VBS, when we lead a home bible study together. He never said he married the wrong person. He said he changed, and during the height of his affair, he said he was "probably never saved" and was going to hell anyway. This new person comes along and was a true sexual temptation. He was attracted to her. If she was 200 pounds and unattractive, he would not have ended our marriage to be "her person." He was deeply attracted to her and wanted to be with another woman. That's just sin.

Yes. What he did was shitty, and you didn’t get what you bargained for, and that makes you mad and sad and confused. But it is done, and it’s time for you to move on.

I am pretty sure you are not God. He doesn’t have to repent to you. And you are not the one who gets to judge his sins.

I understand that I have to move on and I must move on. I get that. I just feel TRIGGERED. When I go to church and see him there with his weathered bible, I want to scream FRAUD AND HYPOCRITE. Yet I know, morally speaking, I'm also a fraud and hypocrite. All of this seems so f* ed up. And my poor confused children have to deal with this too. I personally feel so morally lost, because I didn't want to lose my husband and family. I believe God stood by to save and redeem this situation. But my ex pushed God away. Refused to speak to a pastor. Refused to get Christian therapy. Refused to repent. And the fact that he's back at church is killing me. It's all just so confusing and painful. I do want to move on, but I think one of the hardest things in life to achieve is to move on from an ex that you are also coparenting with. I wish I could never see him again, but I have to see with him, and deal with him, and I just still feel so hurt.

Find a new church. It’s not fair that you have to do this, but I think it would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But all he has to do is ask God/Jesus for forgiveness and he is forgiven. Isn’t that the basis of Christianity? You don’t have to forgive him. He doesn’t have to repent to you.

Jesus told the woman caught in adultery “Go, and sin no more.” A part of repentance is having the firm intent to sin no more and the amendment of life, ie. cease living in sin with this other lady. A part of that reconciliation with God will naturally involve reconciliation with his wife, to whom he made vows.

I’m so sorry OP. People are sinners is the basic answer. Even Christians. But you can use this trial to grow in the virtues of patience and charity, get closer to God, and continue to be faithful your marital vows. Life is long and the Christian path is a hard one that does not come without its struggles.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I know sooooo many Christian families that have been through something similar. Your therapist is right on the money -- he wants to eat his cake and have it, too.

OP, my hope for you is that someone in your church is looking out for YOU. Or maybe you'll find a new church where you can find a trusted counselor. You are worthy of support and help. It's OK to be angry with him, it really is. But you can rebuild a great, strong life.