Ex DH is a Christian who ended our marriage due to adultery
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Anonymous
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My ex and I got married in our 20s. He is a graduate of a bible college and majored in theology. Besides being best friends, I was ecstatic to marry him because I believed he was a true believer, that he had genuine faith in God, and that no matter what we went through in life, God stood to save us, rescue us, heal us from whatever trial we may face or endure.
Now if you are an atheist or agnostic reading this, and you're rolling your eyes...that's okay, I get it, I'm just laying out this particular scenario to hear from other Christians that may understand my situation.... Fast forward 16 years later. Ex DH reconnects with a friend from youth group from his childhood. (I've written about this before here). She's going thru all kinds of personal and relational difficulties. They become friends again, and he tells me he's trying to point her back to the faith that she once had. I grew weary of this relationship and eventually told ex DH, you are getting too close to her. You know too much about her. This isn't right. I feel you're closer to her emotionally than to me. He dismissed my concerns, said they were "just friends," and in fact encouraged me to be her friend. That's part of his lying and manipulation. Instead of saying-- babe, you're right, I feel I'm getting too close to her, and I see that you are concerned-- he minimized my concerns, said they are just friends, and didn't address the issue at hand. A few months later, ex DH professed that he wanted to be that girl's "person," that she's suffered so much in life, that she needed someone to help her through her trauma and healing, and he was going to be that person. He loved her, she loved him. She got a divorce "for him." He ended up emotionally cheating, then committing adultery and fornication. I begged him to repent. I begged him to turn to God, confess his sin, and repent of the sin of adultery. I told him God stands to save you from the sin that was destroying our family and destroying our marriage. He said...conveniently...that he was "probably never a Christian," and "going to hell anyway." So-- there was no repentance. There was no turning from the sin. Just deeper and deeper into the sin. We have now been separated two years. We live apart and I'm 99% sure he's with her right now (after all, she got a divorce "for him."). Now ex DH is going to church. He talks to our kids about God. He tells me he's "pointing them to God." He insists that they need Him and he wants his kids to grow up faithful. As a Christian, I'm not against my ex husband continuing to raise our kids Christian. But- for goodness sake - how can he do ALL that-- cheat on me, commit adultery and fornication, refuse to repent, say he's not saved anyway...but now that we are almost divorced-- he's with his AP, he's back at church, and he's buying MercyMe tickets and telling me he's going to point our kids to God?! Is this just another mindF* (sorry to use that kind of language) orchestrated by a manipulative cheater, who wants to have his cake and eat it too?? To destroy his family, refuse to repent, refuse to ask God to deliver him from sin....yet now he's going to church, taking the kids to youth group, pointing them to God?! I confronted him about this. I said, how can you hurt me and the kids due to your selfishness, your cheating and adultery...and now go back to the very God that was not good enough to save you and deliver you from your sin? What kind of fraud are you? I feel so angry because my therapist had predicted this when he first told me about the affair. That ex DH wants both the affair parther and God. That he wants to maintain that image of being a godly person, or a faithful person, but that he wasn't going to repent. That he was going to return back to the Lord after divorce because at the end of the day, that's what he really wanted - a new romantic partner, AND God, and to raise his kids as believers, AND this friendly relationship with his ex wife. He wanted to maximize EVERYTHING after hurting me and our children because that's what people in affairs like to do. Have their cake and eat it too. Adultery AND GOD and a new partner AND raise his kids as Christians and take them to youth group. Again - if you are an atheist or agnostic- feel free to roll your eyes, laugh at my f*ed up family, that's quite alright. But if you are reading this and somehow you GET THIS, you understand how messed up this is, perhaps you went through this yourself...I would love to hear from you. How could ex DH hurt me and the children...refuse to repent, say he's probably going to hell, divorce me...and is now back at church, pointing our kids to God, taking them to youth group, and so on? |
Anonymous
| Wow, OP. Just wow. |
Anonymous
| I am so sorry. Do you go to the same church as ex-husband? |
Anonymous
| We both don't have a church home yet. But last weekend, I went to church by myself, and he was there with the kids, a few rows ahead of me. He definitely is back at church, is committed to taking our kids to youth group, and told me he wants our kids to grow up as believers. I just feel so hurt and confused by all this. The divorce gutted me. It gutted me and hurt me on so many levels. But in his world, he's okay. I think he tells people..."I had feelings for a friend. The feelings were inappropriate. Our marriage didn't work out. But that doesn't mean our kids won't grow up in the Lord." So he has this incredible way of portraying to people that he's sincere, and he's a good person, and there he is, back at church, but after hurting me and the children and causing tremendous moral confusion. How can he do ALL that? How can he not look at God in the face, fall to his knees, and weep and apologize? He's NEVER asked me for forgiveness and refuses to do so. |
Anonymous
| Your therapist is right. But the only one of his wants you have control over is his relationship with you. You don’t have to be friends with your ex. Be civil, for the kids’ sake. |
Anonymous
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Anyone can create a story in their minds and believe it.
Wishing the best for you OP. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Ex DH is always reminding me about being civil. He is trying to be civil, and I will give him credit for that. Because that's his greatest desire -to have the new partner, to be back at church, to raise his kids in a godly way, and to have a friendly and civil ex wife. He would love that so much. t |
Anonymous
OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel. |
Anonymous
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OP, Why did you have this notion of a true believer being more moral or ethical than someone else? Your husband is human. He has human flaws. His desire to feel close to God and to have his children, whom he loves, follow his faith has nothing to do with his mistake of getting married to the wrong person in his 20s. A LOT of people make that mistake. You need to move on, for your own mental health. You can change church. You can meet someone too, a better human (even if they might not be of your religious persuasion). I have Catholic roots. My husband, an atheist, jokes that the only people who need religion are the weak ones who sin more. My opinion is that followers of a religious faith aren't better or worse than others. Stop ruminating about this flawed individual. He is now merely the co-parent. Find happiness elsewhere. |
Anonymous
Then don’t be friendly. Be civil. It sounds like he has moved on and is rebuilding his life. You should do the same thing. You couldn’t control him when you were married, and you certainly can’t control him now. |
Anonymous
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I don’t mean any offense OP, and having been raised a Christian I have respect for your faith.
However, it was the massive hypocrisy of so many Christians - both those I knew firsthand and those I observed in the world around me - that drove me away from the church entirely. I don’t know what to say to you other than I sympathize with your situation and your pain. When I practiced family law in a fairly conservative rural area I saw this over and over again. Cheaters are huge hypocrites and religious cheaters are the worst of them because they somehow manage to warp everything about their faith so that they are forgiven without truly seeking redemption. Same thing applies to the professed believers who spend their lives making fortunes on the suffering of others and don’t commit to service and charity. Your kids are the hypocrisy. They may not speak or act now, but as they grow into adulthood it will likely express in how they feel about faith and family. |
Anonymous
| But all he has to do is ask God/Jesus for forgiveness and he is forgiven. Isn’t that the basis of Christianity? You don’t have to forgive him. He doesn’t have to repent to you. |
Anonymous
That was meant to be ‘your kids SEE the hypocrisy.’ |
Anonymous
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I'm glad he hasn't pushed you away from church. You have every right to go and hold your head high. I assume the pastor doesn't know about the affair and hasn't given your or your family guidance during the divorce?
It is possible (maybe even likely) that when your kids are teenagers or young adults they will recognize the hypocrisy of your ex. Live your best life and know that God sees the truth. |
Anonymous
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OP so sorry you had to go through this.
There is a story of a Catholic saint that once met a young man arshly challenging him about faith and church morality. The saint patiently listened to him, at the end of the rant he just told him ‘now tell me, what is the name of the girl?’ Pray for your ex-husband, he needs it more than you can imagine. Keeping you all in my prayers |