Ex DH is a Christian who ended our marriage due to adultery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck

Op here. I feel like you are an angel of some sort. I don’t really mean that…but you helped me a lot. You are so right on so many levels. Thank you so much. I mean that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all the replies so I'm sorry if this already came up, but my advice to you is for you to turn to God for help for yourself. I know this is cliche but you need help recognizing what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him or his behavior and you need to try and not judge him.

Try and remember that we are all flawed. His flaws include this behavior and hypocrisy. He is pretending (and maybe even pretending to himself) that he's back to being that Christian morally upstanding person. But you can't change his ignorance.

My suggestion is that you work on understanding that he has issues that you have no control over nor do you have the ability to change him. I equate it to those "Christians" that oppose LGBTQ+ communities. They are ignorant of God's complete love of everyone and there's nothing I can say to change their minds (as much as I try). In other words, you have to be the bigger person and rise above it. What you can do is teach your children that everyone is welcome in church - even if they sin, make mistakes, or whatever. I wouldn't specifically call out your ex for obvious reasons, but inside your head you need to know that God loves, and the church accepts his flawed, sinned self.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck

Op here. I feel like you are an angel of some sort. I don’t really mean that…but you helped me a lot. You are so right on so many levels. Thank you so much. I mean that.

I am happy my words helped at all <3

A decade ago I lost my brother and stepfather a year apart and it was an absolutely agonizing time for me. The feeling of watching the world turn and feeling like you have suddenly just become a spectator, and an angry one at that, is so hard to work through. Time is the only real solution. When I was in that place, I told myself over and over 'in three years, it will be ok' and set my eyes on that fairly arbitrary date. And when things would feel agonizing or hard I would just think about that date, and think, things would be better by then. And then just tried to keep doing the next right thing as often as I could in the interim. And then eventually that date came and I was right, we had weathered the worst of the storm. You will weather the storm, and may come out quite changed on the other side. Don't forget to have as much faith in yourself as you do in God, you are the one who will pull you and your kids through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck

Op here. I feel like you are an angel of some sort. I don’t really mean that…but you helped me a lot. You are so right on so many levels. Thank you so much. I mean that.

I am happy my words helped at all <3

A decade ago I lost my brother and stepfather a year apart and it was an absolutely agonizing time for me. The feeling of watching the world turn and feeling like you have suddenly just become a spectator, and an angry one at that, is so hard to work through. Time is the only real solution. When I was in that place, I told myself over and over 'in three years, it will be ok' and set my eyes on that fairly arbitrary date. And when things would feel agonizing or hard I would just think about that date, and think, things would be better by then. And then just tried to keep doing the next right thing as often as I could in the interim. And then eventually that date came and I was right, we had weathered the worst of the storm. You will weather the storm, and may come out quite changed on the other side. Don't forget to have as much faith in yourself as you do in God, you are the one who will pull you and your kids through this.

Infidelity recovery is usually 3-5 years. She shouldn't feel bad if she still isn't there at 3 years. But, she should be feeling better than day 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

Christians believe that, but not everyone is a Christian. OP is more wrathful than turning the other cheek right now. If she’s incapable of seeking to forgive, this might not be the right Abrahamic religion for her. She has two other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The beauty of many Christian religions is that they can be sinners but as long as they accept Jesus as their savior they will go to heaven.

They can lie, cheat, steal, fornicate and be a drug addict.

None of that matters as long as they accept Jesus as their savior they will be saved.

This is exactly why I left Catholicism. Accept Jesus as your savior, sin (because you are human), ask for forgiveness, you are forgiven, sin, ask forgiveness, rinse and repeat.

“Accept Jesus as your savior” is a Protestant concept. Many non-Catholic sects teach that salvation once attained cannot be lost. Catholicism teaches the contrary.

As for asking and receiving forgiveness, Catholicism requires true contrition, a firm purpose of amendment, aricular (spoken) sacramental confession to a priest unless impossible, admonition/counsel, penance and absolution. So it’s rather less simplistic than you attempt to present. Are you sure you are Catholic?

Repeated forgiveness is scriptural (“seventy times seven times”). Do you hold everyone who has ever offended you still bound with no recourse? Do you hold yourself still bound by all your own sins, with no escape ever? That seems a sad way to live.

OP’s problem isn’t any version of Christian forgiveness and regeneration. As many posters have noted, her STBX sounds like a messed up person at least and a terrible cad at least, but she is stuck with him in her life as it relates to their kids. I agree she would likely benefit from a new church home and from some therapeutic work aimed at her trauma and the benefits of moving on insofar as possible rather than letting this man continue to live rent free in her head and heart.

OP, it is normal for a person in your situation to grieve and mourn, but there are better things ahead. Try to believe that.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling OP she is wrong because “Judge not lest ye be judged.” You CAN judge him, OP. He is a hypocrite. Hell, most hypocrites sit in the first pew. I agree with a pp who said your husband (which he still is) is God’s problem. Give it up to “God.”

You are the mother of your children. He does not have the moral righteousness to guide their spirituality. You should be the one guiding them and taking them to church. How old are they? I think you need to take control here. Feel what you feel, and tell him so. He’s playing the civility card to manipulate you. He’s using his so called faith against you. Do not let him! You see right through his bullshît.

Maybe speak to your divorce attorney and amend the agreement with your specific demands. You get to write the narrative going forward. Once you feel more in control it’ll free you from him. Protect your heart, protect your kids, and start dating. Someday you’ll be thankful that you don’t have to face a lifetime dealing with a damaged man. Facilitate a healthy relationship for your kids with their father, but with boundaries! Knock preacher man with his weathered Bible to his knees, and let him know the rules of engagement when it comes to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very true: "Basically he 's just another horny male trying to make excuses for the powerful sex-drive God gave us. I don't get why organized religion doesn't see this. It's the cause of so many problems with the churches these days."

When he left me for her, he didn't say he wanted to build a life with her or share his life with her. He didn't want to marry her or become a stepdad to her children. He just wants to...date her. That's it. He left behind a covenant marriage and the stability we built for our children so he could have sex with another woman and go to concerts and shows. This was all wrapped up in a massive midlife crisis where he was also now obsessed with music and concerts. Not in raising his children, emotionally connecting with his wife, staying committed to his faith. Nope. He discarded all of us due to a raging midlife crisis, focused on music and concerts, and the allure of a new sex partner. I know I should forgive him and you are absolutely right, forgiveness is a basic tenent of our faith. What hurts is the loss, and the cost of the decisions he's made.

My dear, first, I'm very sorry for the pain you're experiencing.

Look. Whenever something like this happens, we begin to waste mental energy on the effort to "understand" the other person's actions and thoughts, as if that would help at all. You need to make peace with not understanding and with taking his actions and words at face value. He doesn't want to be married to you. OK. He wants to date her. OK. That's what he wants. Why? Who knows. That's not important. Accept what he says and stop looking for an explanation.

The best thing you can do is distract yourself with other things. And it wouldn't hurt to bring a handsome new guy to church one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

Christians believe that, but not everyone is a Christian. OP is more wrathful than turning the other cheek right now. If she’s incapable of seeking to forgive, this might not be the right Abrahamic religion for her. She has two other options.

He needs to ask for forgiveness which he hasn't if he wants it. She doesn't need to seek forgiveness except from God. She can seek forgiveness in her heart to be at peace with something she can't control to release her from anger and move on but she doesn't need to forgive him for something that is still going on that he feels no remorse for. He's not asking for forgiveness nor making amends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling OP she is wrong because “Judge not lest ye be judged.” You CAN judge him, OP. He is a hypocrite. Hell, most hypocrites sit in the first pew. I agree with a pp who said your husband (which he still is) is God’s problem. Give it up to “God.”

You are the mother of your children. He does not have the moral righteousness to guide their spirituality. You should be the one guiding them and taking them to church. How old are they? I think you need to take control here. Feel what you feel, and tell him so. He’s playing the civility card to manipulate you. He’s using his so called faith against you. Do not let him! You see right through his bullshît.

Maybe speak to your divorce attorney and amend the agreement with your specific demands. You get to write the narrative going forward. Once you feel more in control it’ll free you from him. Protect your heart, protect your kids, and start dating. Someday you’ll be thankful that you don’t have to face a lifetime dealing with a damaged man. Facilitate a healthy relationship for your kids with their father, but with boundaries! Knock preacher man with his weathered Bible to his knees, and let him know the rules of engagement when it comes to the kids.

“Start dating”!!!!!!

She’s not even divorced!!

She needs to tend to herself, not a new relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

Christians believe that, but not everyone is a Christian. OP is more wrathful than turning the other cheek right now. If she’s incapable of seeking to forgive, this might not be the right Abrahamic religion for her. She has two other options.

He needs to ask for forgiveness which he hasn't if he wants it. She doesn't need to seek forgiveness except from God. She can seek forgiveness in her heart to be at peace with something she can't control to release her from anger and move on but she doesn't need to forgive him for something that is still going on that he feels no remorse for. He's not asking for forgiveness nor making amends.

Yes. Forgiveness in the sense of not being controlled by past hurt is for her benefit. He will get his comeuppance for certain. But she doesn’t have to pretend things didn’t happen, ignore his demonstrated character or lie to her children that what he did was appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Is your last name Duggar?

[Anonymous]

OP there are many heads of Christian organizations that do exactly what you describe and are unrepentant. Happened in my hometown.

Religion isn't a safe haven from bad people. It also allows bad people to repent and continue to act like their sh&t doesn't stink. Your ex being a prime example of that. Whether he repents or not he's a bad human.

Don't waste any more energy on it. That said if you think religion will save your kids from bad people that is something to think about. They should know that bad people are everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Is this about religion or that he's a bad husband? I can't decide if you are pissed that he's a hypocrite, and bad Christian, or that he cheated on you.

You can make this about religion, but religion is just a social construct. It changes nothing about a person's character. He cheated on you, your marriage broke up, he's living a new life with his girlfriend and why should his religious life be any different? He likes that whole culture AND he wants to screw around. Don't ww see this all the time in evangelical Christianity? It's just compartmentalizing and narcissism. Or, you married too young, you both aren't right for each other even after going through all that purity nonsense before you were married and now he wants a different wife on his terms. Who knows?

Girl- live your own life and live how you want to live. Make sure the courts get you the child support and alimony you need, and go off this quest to somehow reconcile Christianity with F-ing around and being in a bad marriage. You were in a bad marriage. That's all. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. My view on God is more individualistic in that He is why good things happen, even if it is the middle of something bad, best example I can think of is a miscarriage I had, the miscarriage sucked, but it was over quickly, the hospital staff was nice to me, and well, it could have been a lot worse.
I s
Ay this because all people have free will. All God can really do is help you, not your marriage, and especially not if your husband wants to not be part of it anymore. I’m sorry.

If it helps, your husband sounds like a predator. My guess if this friend had been a man, he’d have had very little interest.

Had it been me, I’d have told him I wanted a divorce when he started going on and on about how rough she’s had it. No way would I sit there and listen to him go on about another woman. My guess is he wasn’t very nice to you during that time either, if you don’t like something, even if he doesn’t understand why, well, you have it so good compared to this friend. Why would you want to be married to that?

As for now, the church can’t stop your husband from going there or bringing his girlfriend. That’s why I keep a healthy distance from church, I know it won’t have my back, the only people who will care for my marriage is my husband and me, and if one of us won’t, the marriage is over and the church doesn’t have the power or desire to do a thing about it beyond saying “yay, you guys are married” and “so sad about the divorce”. That’s just how it is and I am sorry that you bought into their product which is selling the idea they can do more then they can.
I’d move on, op. If you like church (and we go every Sunday) do that, just realize what church can and can’t do, and the answer is not very much. I mostly go for the routine, I like sitting with my husband, I like seeing the same group of people and my kids like it. No way do I expect the church to care about my marriage, my husband’s job, our financial health so long as they get their money, meaning we only give what we feel comfortable giving, or anything really. They may care about my kids, but even then I’m not sure they care about them as human beings or as potential sources of money. Church is after all, a business and if I view it as such, I’m fine.

As for your kids, they’ll figure it out. If you want to tell them their father cheated, that’s up to you. They probably already know or suspect. If it helps, your ex is probably also looking for another prey. Be glad you are no longer tied to him legally, he’s your kids’ father but that’s as far as it goes. He isn’t yours to worry about and that should comfort you.