Ex DH is a Christian who ended our marriage due to adultery

[Anonymous]

OP I think the issue here is not quite his hypocrisy, but that you want him to change in the right way, which is to leave this other woman, beg for your forgiveness, return to your covenant marriage (or at least give you the option).

Obviously none of this is going to happen, possibly because your ex is a narcissist. I am beginning to believe that narcissists thrive in faith communities where no one has the skills or language to call them out, but anyway, it’s time for you to move on with your life and mentally close the door on him.

Jesus said divorce can be granted for adultery for this reason: you can’t make another person love you once they have rejected you in this terrible way.

I’m not one who says it’s time to date, but I think you should start dating and feel what it is like to be appreciated by a man, not taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I have a very complicated relationship with Christianity in part because many Christians (at least nominal Christians) suck. Your husband is a shitty person, that much is clear. What he does now is between him and God. I have not been in your position but I would counsel you to cut off your thoughts about him as much as possible with the knowledge that he is only the father of your children to you now. So he takes them go church, that is good for them, right? You want them to go to church. He is the car driver and nothing more as it relates to you. Unfortunately your kids are going to witness a lot of different kinds of hypocrisy in the church and the rest of the world and you will have to help them through that best you can.

But now your STBXH is God’s problem. You are free to make your own life better. Of course you are hurt and angry, it’s ok to feel those things. But soon I hope you will also find joy in not being tied to a shitty man (he doesn’t want to be a step dad - the new woman is not getting a prize here!) and your own life can flourish.

[Anonymous]

I imagine it is really painful to be confronting the reality that the institution you thought of as holding him accountable—to God!—is not doing that in any meaningful way.

[Anonymous]

One of you has to leave this church. Is there another one that you could go to? If not, I would talk to the pastor and hash it out. Maybe even have him give a sermon on adultery. But let pastor know all the gory details and how you need counseling to be able to get through this pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine it is really painful to be confronting the reality that the institution you thought of as holding him accountable—to God!—is not doing that in any meaningful way.

Yes- deep down, I truly feel this. I feel he got away with everything. This experience is shaking my faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I imagine it is really painful to be confronting the reality that the institution you thought of as holding him accountable—to God!—is not doing that in any meaningful way.

Yes- deep down, I truly feel this. I feel he got away with everything. This experience is shaking my faith.

I am an atheist, but have experienced this kind of institutional betrayal. My point is that the thing that has earned your skepticism here via its conduct here is not the idea of God, but the church you are in.

Surely they know of his conduct; on what theology are they so radically failing to help this man engage in self-reflection?

[Anonymous]

Your post involves both relationships and religion so I think it is belongs here, but here is an interesting recent thread on religion and affairs:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1126057.page

[Anonymous]

There's a lot going on here and I'm completely on your side.

But a few things:
-You're giving him power over you. I encourage you to write it all down. Absolutely everything. And then release it. Move on.
-Yes he is a hypocrite and a sinner. God sees all and forgives all. It's not for you to judge him as he will be judged. While what he did was despicable, God does forgive murderers and worse. I think you are putting this burden on yourself to make sure he is punished, but that's not your job in life. Your role in life is to live your own best life and trust that he has his comeuppance waiting for him in life and afterwards.
-Don't let him poision you. Please move on.

You state "that's what he really wanted - a new romantic partner, AND God, and to raise his kids as believers, AND this friendly relationship with his ex wife." You have kids with this man. You actually DO want him to live a normal life and to have a friendly relationship with you. You want that for your kids. I get how awful it is, but you do want your kids to have a father.

The best revenge is to live a good life for yourself.

Peace OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a guy who did this very exact thing. I was shocked because he would go to church with his wife and kids. Then he left her for another woman. I asked him what the hell was he thinking? He said candidly, I fell in love (with the other woman) and I didn't love the ex-wife anymore. Not much you can say to that. And yes, I did see him in the church again after that.

Of course you can. You can say that is committing adultery which is against one of the 10 commandments. Stop seeing this other woman, stop coveting her, and seek help from God and your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being religious (in any religion) doesn’t make you a good person. That’s something people fail to recognize.

The whole purpose of religion is to help you become a good person. There is no other reason. Why would we want eternal salvation with bad people?

[Anonymous]

So, I am a churchgoer and my husband and I lead the marriage ministry in our church.

The reality is you have to stop being naive about church goers. They are all sinners and everyone is a hypocrite in some way. You need to take back your power.

I strongly believe you should:

1. Find another church home.
2. Find a nonreligious therapist.
3. Find a DivorceCare group — this will be church led.

You need a combo of religious and nonreligious support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a churchgoer and my husband and I lead the marriage ministry in our church.

The reality is you have to stop being naive about church goers. They are all sinners and everyone is a hypocrite in some way. You need to take back your power.

I strongly believe you should:

1. Find another church home.
2. Find a nonreligious therapist.
3. Find a DivorceCare group — this will be church led.

You need a combo of religious and nonreligious support.

When I say nonreligious therapist, I don’t mean you need to find an atheist. But you need to find someone that isn’t caught up in “christian counseling.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I imagine it is really painful to be confronting the reality that the institution you thought of as holding him accountable—to God!—is not doing that in any meaningful way.

Yes- deep down, I truly feel this. I feel he got away with everything. This experience is shaking my faith.

This feeling is completely normal. My ex engaged in zero parenting when we were married, and still got 50/50 custody. He was financially, emotionally, sexually, and physically abusive during our marriage, and got to keep the lion’s share of assets because I couldn’t afford to take him to court. This happens repeatedly in divorce.

Divorce sucks for people who play by the rules. But wasting your time wallowing over a man who loves someone else, hoping one day he gets a public comeuppance sucks more.

[Anonymous]

I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck