How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP — I do want to say I admire your ability to pivot now that you have this feedback. It seems like your DH has likely totally misread this situation as well. I will say that you may want to consider if you have other blind spots where you are not putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or if this is limited to your ILS.

I also think you need to consider more broadly what “hosting” means. For example my ILS live close by and probably try to come by our house every third weekend. When this happens, I feel zero obligation to host. If I’m busy at work, I might stay up in my office. If I had a pedicure scheduled, I would not change it. Now, there are plenty of times I do hang out with them. But not every time.

If my family came and stayed with me for a week, I sure would not sit around talking to them all day and organizing three meals a day for them. There would be food in the house that they are welcome to and some meals would be organized. But I don’t have to constantly entertain my family for 7 days.

People have different definitions of what family visiting looks like. You sort of sound like the parents that many people on here complain about that need 16 hours a day of focus. Many people don’t want to hang with a visitor for days on end. That doesn’t make them rude, etc.

I'm imagining that OP and her husband and kids went to the in-laws for xmas every year, as did DHs other siblings and their families and everyone just hung out and did the typical "we all stay in the same house and spend all our time together" type holidays that many families do. It is completely normal to expect that when MIL/FIL move to Florida and invite them all down for the holidays that everything will remain as it always has just in a new location. It seems like BIL/SIL never really liked the old holidays or maybe just were grumpy about having to do more work this year now that they have people staying without them or whatever. Again OP isn't a clueless moron for not anticipating this dynamic with the BIL/SIL as many posters seem to suggest. The previous poster is correct in pointing out that her own husband missed this as well.

Anyway I think given the new Florida BIL/SIL dynamic it is time to reassess the holidays all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP — I do want to say I admire your ability to pivot now that you have this feedback. It seems like your DH has likely totally misread this situation as well. I will say that you may want to consider if you have other blind spots where you are not putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or if this is limited to your ILS.

I also think you need to consider more broadly what “hosting” means. For example my ILS live close by and probably try to come by our house every third weekend. When this happens, I feel zero obligation to host. If I’m busy at work, I might stay up in my office. If I had a pedicure scheduled, I would not change it. Now, there are plenty of times I do hang out with them. But not every time.

If my family came and stayed with me for a week, I sure would not sit around talking to them all day and organizing three meals a day for them. There would be food in the house that they are welcome to and some meals would be organized. But I don’t have to constantly entertain my family for 7 days.

People have different definitions of what family visiting looks like. You sort of sound like the parents that many people on here complain about that need 16 hours a day of focus. Many people don’t want to hang with a visitor for days on end. That doesn’t make them rude, etc.

+100. I hate the notion that a visit = holding your hosts hostage. When my ILs and parents and siblings/siblings-in-law visit, it is welcome to our home; fall in. We are still doing many of our activities; with social invitations, it is case-by-case. If you are staying a few hours or for ONE night, of course we give you as much focused attention as we can. If you are parking it in our home for 2-6 nights, welcome, but fall in. We'll hang out with you, but not every second of every day. Some meals will be lovingly prepared for you and/or purchased for you and/or we will take you out to dinner. But no, I won't be setting out every conceivable lunch option, as my ILs expect, for every lunch. Make yourself a sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Seven pages and not one justification for the word "elitist" being thrown around by OP. What's up with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations. It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it. There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.

OP here. nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations. It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it. There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.

In most families, people only come visit when they are invited by their actual hosts, who either have the actual space to host them, or make it clear that a hotel will need to be involved. Normal people don't invite people to visit, only to turn around and foist responsibility off on other local family, who may or may not WANT to host.

And yes there IS a way OP could have known about that in advance: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

"Hey Ted, Sally and Beth invited us to stay for Thanksgiving, but I don't think they actually have enough room for us all to stay with them. Would it be an imposition for the kids to stay with you for two nights? Oh great, thank you so much. Oh, what's that, but you're still going to a party on Friday and are going to a play on Sunday? Oh, that's totally fine, of course, we don't want you to drop everything just because Sally and Beth invited us to visit. Sally and Beth also said that you could host Thanksgiving dinner. We wanted to make sure you were OK with that, and we also wanted to see if we can do or make anything--we want to contribute in any way that would be helpful."

OP here. This points out something that should have been obvious to me. DH and his brother are notoriously TERRIBLE communicators. However, I refuse to take responsibility for their family dynamics. I don’t have bandwidth to insert myself into my husband’s family’s dynamics. I have to trust he is handling it appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP — I do want to say I admire your ability to pivot now that you have this feedback. It seems like your DH has likely totally misread this situation as well. I will say that you may want to consider if you have other blind spots where you are not putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or if this is limited to your ILS.

I also think you need to consider more broadly what “hosting” means. For example my ILS live close by and probably try to come by our house every third weekend. When this happens, I feel zero obligation to host. If I’m busy at work, I might stay up in my office. If I had a pedicure scheduled, I would not change it. Now, there are plenty of times I do hang out with them. But not every time.

If my family came and stayed with me for a week, I sure would not sit around talking to them all day and organizing three meals a day for them. There would be food in the house that they are welcome to and some meals would be organized. But I don’t have to constantly entertain my family for 7 days.

People have different definitions of what family visiting looks like. You sort of sound like the parents that many people on here complain about that need 16 hours a day of focus. Many people don’t want to hang with a visitor for days on end. That doesn’t make them rude, etc.

OP here. You make valid points, and TBH, I left out a lot of details. Like the time they chose a social obligation, we all had gone to their house for what we were told was a family dinner. Or when we were told it was a family party and they invited 6 or so other families (their friends who none of us but MIL/FIL had ever seen before). (Now I see that likely communication was faulty.) They do not host us for three meals a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seven pages and not one justification for the word "elitist" being thrown around by OP. What's up with that?

Try reading the thread. Page 2, 13:50 time stamp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — I do want to say I admire your ability to pivot now that you have this feedback. It seems like your DH has likely totally misread this situation as well. I will say that you may want to consider if you have other blind spots where you are not putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or if this is limited to your ILS.

I also think you need to consider more broadly what “hosting” means. For example my ILS live close by and probably try to come by our house every third weekend. When this happens, I feel zero obligation to host. If I’m busy at work, I might stay up in my office. If I had a pedicure scheduled, I would not change it. Now, there are plenty of times I do hang out with them. But not every time.

If my family came and stayed with me for a week, I sure would not sit around talking to them all day and organizing three meals a day for them. There would be food in the house that they are welcome to and some meals would be organized. But I don’t have to constantly entertain my family for 7 days.

People have different definitions of what family visiting looks like. You sort of sound like the parents that many people on here complain about that need 16 hours a day of focus. Many people don’t want to hang with a visitor for days on end. That doesn’t make them rude, etc.

OP here. You make valid points, and TBH, I left out a lot of details. Like the time they chose a social obligation, we all had gone to their house for what we were told was a family dinner. Or when we were told it was a family party and they invited 6 or so other families (their friends who none of us but MIL/FIL had ever seen before). (Now I see that likely communication was faulty.) They do not host us for three meals a day.

Same poster and I’ve read some more of your follow up. First, let me say I fully support your decision not to bear the mental load of communicating with your husband’s family. I am the same. It is one of the reasons that I don’t feel the need to hang out with my ILS when they show up, my husband organizes that stuff. He would check in with me to make sure I don’t recall some issue with timing, but it just isn’t “my” event.

But, I will also say my husband and I are “more the merrier” people. We could be actually hosting something for our families and we might invite friends too. I think we would probably tell family that was happening, but we might overlook it. Some of this is just how social people are. My husband is a super extrovert. If there is an event, he might add many, many people. And I’m generally cool with that as long as we have a plan on how much food we need. This is just a difference — no one it right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations. It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it. There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.

In most families, people only come visit when they are invited by their actual hosts, who either have the actual space to host them, or make it clear that a hotel will need to be involved. Normal people don't invite people to visit, only to turn around and foist responsibility off on other local family, who may or may not WANT to host.

And yes there IS a way OP could have known about that in advance: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

"Hey Ted, Sally and Beth invited us to stay for Thanksgiving, but I don't think they actually have enough room for us all to stay with them. Would it be an imposition for the kids to stay with you for two nights? Oh great, thank you so much. Oh, what's that, but you're still going to a party on Friday and are going to a play on Sunday? Oh, that's totally fine, of course, we don't want you to drop everything just because Sally and Beth invited us to visit. Sally and Beth also said that you could host Thanksgiving dinner. We wanted to make sure you were OK with that, and we also wanted to see if we can do or make anything--we want to contribute in any way that would be helpful."

OP here. This points out something that should have been obvious to me. DH and his brother are notoriously TERRIBLE communicators. However, I refuse to take responsibility for their family dynamics. I don’t have bandwidth to insert myself into my husband’s family’s dynamics. I have to trust he is handling it appropriately.

That's not how it works. Where my kids are involved I'm not just going to ASSume my husband has handled it with his family when they are known bad communicators. I would call my SIL up and say "mom has this planned, is that ok with you? Just want to make sure." At the end of the day my kids are my responsibility and I won't use them as bartering chips because of poor family dynamics or to make a point. They're kids, not pawns in your silly power plays.

[Anonymous]

Can you go there during non-peak time and celebrate the holidays early? Your DH should have spoken to his sister directly, not complained to his mom. Of course his sister is gonna be miffed. Handle it like an adult, he calls her to chat, clear the air and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you go there during non-peak time and celebrate the holidays early? Your DH should have spoken to his sister directly, not complained to his mom. Of course his sister is gonna be miffed. Handle it like an adult, he calls her to chat, clear the air and move on.

It’s DH’s sister in law- not his sister. Hence even more reason for her to be miffed that she’s being pulled in to all this drama/forced to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations. It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it. There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.

In most families, people only come visit when they are invited by their actual hosts, who either have the actual space to host them, or make it clear that a hotel will need to be involved. Normal people don't invite people to visit, only to turn around and foist responsibility off on other local family, who may or may not WANT to host.

And yes there IS a way OP could have known about that in advance: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

"Hey Ted, Sally and Beth invited us to stay for Thanksgiving, but I don't think they actually have enough room for us all to stay with them. Would it be an imposition for the kids to stay with you for two nights? Oh great, thank you so much. Oh, what's that, but you're still going to a party on Friday and are going to a play on Sunday? Oh, that's totally fine, of course, we don't want you to drop everything just because Sally and Beth invited us to visit. Sally and Beth also said that you could host Thanksgiving dinner. We wanted to make sure you were OK with that, and we also wanted to see if we can do or make anything--we want to contribute in any way that would be helpful."

OP here. This points out something that should have been obvious to me. DH and his brother are notoriously TERRIBLE communicators. However, I refuse to take responsibility for their family dynamics. I don’t have bandwidth to insert myself into my husband’s family’s dynamics. I have to trust he is handling it appropriately.

Oh yes, you would never dream of meddling. All you'll do is put his family on blast on the Internet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go there during non-peak time and celebrate the holidays early? Your DH should have spoken to his sister directly, not complained to his mom. Of course his sister is gonna be miffed. Handle it like an adult, he calls her to chat, clear the air and move on.

It’s DH’s sister in law- not his sister. Hence even more reason for her to be miffed that she’s being pulled in to all this drama/forced to host.

I can't imagine my brother and SIL rolling up and dropping their kids off for a week (days?) without ever discussing it with me, just going off of what the mother/MIL said. Maybe the MIL said something like "I'm sure they won't mind!" when it turns out they do. But I wouldn't ever want someone to feel burdened with my kids and I would make sure they were ok with the plan first because I want to make sure they are in good hands with willing babysitters. This just does not fall into the his family/his problem territory for me. That would be who gets to bring the stuffing to the dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go there during non-peak time and celebrate the holidays early? Your DH should have spoken to his sister directly, not complained to his mom. Of course his sister is gonna be miffed. Handle it like an adult, he calls her to chat, clear the air and move on.

It’s DH’s sister in law- not his sister. Hence even more reason for her to be miffed that she’s being pulled in to all this drama/forced to host.

I can't imagine my brother and SIL rolling up and dropping their kids off for a week (days?) without ever discussing it with me, just going off of what the mother/MIL said. Maybe the MIL said something like "I'm sure they won't mind!" when it turns out they do. But I wouldn't ever want someone to feel burdened with my kids and I would make sure they were ok with the plan first because I want to make sure they are in good hands with willing babysitters. This just does not fall into the his family/his problem territory for me. That would be who gets to bring the stuffing to the dinner.

+100. And I usually support the whole "his family, his problem" stance, but if DH is a known bad communicator, then we're moving into "trust but verify" mode before you get on a freaking plane and sink thousands of dollars into a holiday visit. THAT'S on you, OP.

[Anonymous]

NP. To OP - with your new updates, I think I agree that your BIL and SIL are rude. They go out during what is supposed to be a "family meal" at their own house? Invite completely unrelated people to what is supposed to be a family occasion?

Again that can work but only in certain contexts. Definitely not if your BIL and SIL are ignoring family in favor of the additional friends they invited (is there what happened?).