How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn’t commit to doing this trip every year. Every other year, maybe. I get that you want to see your in-laws (I think? Or someone does, right?), but it’s not worth the constant resentment.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are staying with your SIL, who is also expected to cook (and clean up) for all of DH’s extended family every Xmas? Of course she’s pissed! She is the caterer and babysitter for everyone else’s holiday! Stop doing this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

[Anonymous]

Clearly these visits aren't working for anyone and no one is enjoying them. Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have completely different expectations of what is happening. Brother and SIL don’t think they are “hosting”. No one is sleeping at their house. And they are not looking to see you for three meals a day. I don’t understand why your husband complained about this to start with.

Yea, I am Still trying to figure that out too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just reread in the op that the parents apparently followed BIL/SIL to move to the same neighborhood in Florida, which makes it even worse. Imagine having your MIL/FIL decide they’re going to relocate and move down the street from you, subsequently demand you host the family get togethers they envision but don’t actually have the means to execute, and then berate you for not being adequately social/rearranging your schedule to spend the full week with your unwanted guests after your adult BIL goes whining to them.

This is exactly what my ILs have done... chose to move 5 minutes away to a tiny condo (despite being able to afford something much bigger) and counting on us to do all the hosting that they choose.
OP, it seems like you have made this realization but just to reiterate: your MIL/FIL are the issue here. Your SIL almost certainly did not choose any of this and IS being put upon every year. In my case, my ILs try to do this multiple times a year. Very stressful for our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

As discussed throughout the last 6 pages- people who didn’t actually invite the guests and are just being pressured to host the holiday dinner by a 3rd party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

No, it’s not. I live in Maryland (DC Metro area) with my family, and also living nearby are my aunt/uncle, as well as a cousin and her family of six.

We have a rotating cast of visitors, whether it is my parents or my cousins’ parents, or other aunts/uncles/cousins/siblings. To the degree where, ideally, visitors can stay at two or all three local houses rather than cramming into any one of our houses.

Welp, sometimes not all of us are up for hosting-hosting, or we are hosting our own in-laws because it is “their turn” for the holiday or whatever. So sometimes, hosting looks like us being like, “Yeah, Cousin Kevin can stay with us, but we’re still doing X, Y and Z with just the in-laws, so he’ll have to fend for himself, and have his meals with Sherry and her family [the people he is actually visiting].”

Anyone giving you access to their home in any way is gracious. If they’re not up for hosting-hosting you but are still providing you with fee lodging—especially in a desirable locale like Florida or DC—they are doing you a freaking favor. And don’t act like you allowing them to stay with you and you hosting-hosting in Bumbletown, Ohio, is the same type of favor; it’s not. Free lodging at a destination location is more gracious than “when are you going to come stay with us in Bumbletown”? And I say this as someone from Bumbletown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

Agree to do what? How do you know what they agreed to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations. It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it. There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves?? That's bizarre-O

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations. It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it. There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.

In most families, people only come visit when they are invited by their actual hosts, who either have the actual space to host them, or make it clear that a hotel will need to be involved. Normal people don't invite people to visit, only to turn around and foist responsibility off on other local family, who may or may not WANT to host.

And yes there IS a way OP could have known about that in advance: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

"Hey Ted, Sally and Beth invited us to stay for Thanksgiving, but I don't think they actually have enough room for us all to stay with them. Would it be an imposition for the kids to stay with you for two nights? Oh great, thank you so much. Oh, what's that, but you're still going to a party on Friday and are going to a play on Sunday? Oh, that's totally fine, of course, we don't want you to drop everything just because Sally and Beth invited us to visit. Sally and Beth also said that you could host Thanksgiving dinner. We wanted to make sure you were OK with that, and we also wanted to see if we can do or make anything--we want to contribute in any way that would be helpful."

[Anonymous]

OP — I do want to say I admire your ability to pivot now that you have this feedback. It seems like your DH has likely totally misread this situation as well. I will say that you may want to consider if you have other blind spots where you are not putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or if this is limited to your ILS.

I also think you need to consider more broadly what “hosting” means. For example my ILS live close by and probably try to come by our house every third weekend. When this happens, I feel zero obligation to host. If I’m busy at work, I might stay up in my office. If I had a pedicure scheduled, I would not change it. Now, there are plenty of times I do hang out with them. But not every time.

If my family came and stayed with me for a week, I sure would not sit around talking to them all day and organizing three meals a day for them. There would be food in the house that they are welcome to and some meals would be organized. But I don’t have to constantly entertain my family for 7 days.

People have different definitions of what family visiting looks like. You sort of sound like the parents that many people on here complain about that need 16 hours a day of focus. Many people don’t want to hang with a visitor for days on end. That doesn’t make them rude, etc.