How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

why should your SIL host your friends?

+100 host your own “Friendsgiving” it was incredibly rude for you try to invite people to an event you weren’t hosting

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the main issue is with MIL/FIL trying to host when they can’t do it in a 1 bedroom condo. There just isn’t enough room / space for 3 families plus them to hang out. I think that you need to start staying in a hotel and / or make the trips a lot shorter or less frequent.

Things change over time, MIL/FIL don’t get to have the big family holidays anymore when they don’t have the space, they moved away, and BIL/SIL aren’t willing to help out or only do so grudgingly.

OP here... Just want to say thanks to this poster above - this was the lightbulb moment for me.

[Anonymous]

We haven't been "home" in 26 years. Everyone is welcome to visit us but I won't take part in any drama nor do I want it anywhere near us.
That's how we handled our situation.
We regret nothing. So far only one of my sisters and a BIL, SIL have visited.
Your inlaws are not being elitists, they are being rude. Don't go around anyone that's rude to you.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My parents always want to visit us for "at least a week" because of the flight costs, but it is no longer a good time for anyone after 4 days, maximum, of them staying with us. It's just too much, unless there is more of a plan. We used to do the same with our family visits, but we now keep them a little shorter, and also try to plan a mid-visit "break" where we either take a small trip with our nuclear family, or at least break up the hosting burden by going on a group trip. It does depend on how tight your budget is, but having a more enjoyable trip every 2 years seems better than THIS every single year.

[Anonymous]

Where are you flying from that it costs thousands and thousands to go to Florida?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you flying from that it costs thousands and thousands to go to Florida?

For a family of 4, over major holidays, it is easily $2K.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read every post so apologies if someone already said this, but it might bear repeating anyway: Start doing some holidays -- yes, even major ones -- with just you, DH and the kids. At your own home. Relaxed, without having to please anyone else or put up with anyone else. Throw in an occasional family trip that is just YOUR family of you, DH, kids, over a holiday. I'm sure your kids have fun with the cousins but they still will see them, just not as much. And you as a nuclear family deserve to have traditions that are only yours.

If your DH is balky and thinks all holidays must be spent with grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins -- give him some holidays but I'd really make the tradeoff that others are yours and the kids'. I've been married 30 years and due to my in-laws being in another country, learned the joys of a small Christmas or Thanksgiving with just me, DH and our DD, or with friends over, or going to friends' for a meal or event and...coming home to our own house! We also traveled to the in-laws but seldom at holidays (expensive, terrible weather where they are at our holidays, etc.) and the in-law visits were MUCH more low-pressure and pleasant that way. Just something to consider.

If this past Christmas was at the SIL/BILs staying at MIL/FIL's small place....plan special events at HOME for next Christmas and let everyone know well in advance, "We're doing Christmas here in 2023, but will see you in 2024, and of course we'll be in touch about (random visit time)!" Smile and do not cave to begging or blackmail. THey will realize it's just more relaxed when you do next have a holiday with them.

[Anonymous]

I would stay at home with your nuclear family over the holidays OP, and go visit Florida another time of year. Stay in a hotel and make it a vacation and see his family when they have time or when they want to join you.

Invite his parents to come stay with you for the holidays occasionally. But I would stay away from Florida because it seems like the relatives aren't really making it a priority to get together with you, so why bother? Go some other time when it's cheaper to fly.

[Anonymous]

All the adults in op's story need to learn boundaries, setting your own and respecting others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

why should your SIL host your friends?

+100!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

Another problem is that “you” (your family) aren’t staying with MIL/FIL. Seems like you and DH are, and SIL gets the kids. You are foisting your kids on SIL.

Now, like you say, there are interpersonal issues…but I would be LIVID if I was expected to host my DH’s nieces while the parents enjoy a relaxing time with my ILs away. But I am not very comfortable caring for other people’s children overnight. At least before it seemed like a tradeoff, since you and your DH were watching their kids some. Now it’s just a terrible imposition!

I fixed this by telling my DH that in no possible way am I to be left caring for my nieces alone. I don’t mind them being here, but MIL needs to be here too. She knows them so much better. I see them once a year!

In your situation, I would drive to save $$ and get a hotel for your family.

[Anonymous]

To clarify PP, by “my nieces” I mean “his family’s nieces but I still love them so mine too.”

[Anonymous]

Stay home next year. Call it “taking turns” and invite everyone here for the holiday. You know your BIL/SIL will not come - maybe not even MIL/FIL but at least you extended the offer. If she wants everyone together, this is the place it will happen next time.