How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

No, it doesn't. In fact, I doubt you know the definition of entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

Another problem is that “you” (your family) aren’t staying with MIL/FIL. Seems like you and DH are, and SIL gets the kids. You are foisting your kids on SIL.

Now, like you say, there are interpersonal issues…but I would be LIVID if I was expected to host my DH’s nieces while the parents enjoy a relaxing time with my ILs away. But I am not very comfortable caring for other people’s children overnight. At least before it seemed like a tradeoff, since you and your DH were watching their kids some. Now it’s just a terrible imposition!

I fixed this by telling my DH that in no possible way am I to be left caring for my nieces alone. I don’t mind them being here, but MIL needs to be here too. She knows them so much better. I see them once a year!

In your situation, I would drive to save $$ and get a hotel for your family.

“Foisting” is a bit of a stretch. They are invited and usually only actually sleep there 1-2 nights. And I definitely did not ask for it! We have separate spaces at MIL/FIL’s place so it doesn’t matter to me one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

Another problem is that “you” (your family) aren’t staying with MIL/FIL. Seems like you and DH are, and SIL gets the kids. You are foisting your kids on SIL.

Now, like you say, there are interpersonal issues…but I would be LIVID if I was expected to host my DH’s nieces while the parents enjoy a relaxing time with my ILs away. But I am not very comfortable caring for other people’s children overnight. At least before it seemed like a tradeoff, since you and your DH were watching their kids some. Now it’s just a terrible imposition!

I fixed this by telling my DH that in no possible way am I to be left caring for my nieces alone. I don’t mind them being here, but MIL needs to be here too. She knows them so much better. I see them once a year!

In your situation, I would drive to save $$ and get a hotel for your family.

“Foisting” is a bit of a stretch. They are invited and usually only actually sleep there 1-2 nights. And I definitely did not ask for it! We have separate spaces at MIL/FIL’s place so it doesn’t matter to me one way or another.

NP. Pick a lane, OP. Either your SIL/BIL are “elitist” and “act put upon” … or they are graciously inviting your kids to stay with them. Which is it? You are pretty unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

Another problem is that “you” (your family) aren’t staying with MIL/FIL. Seems like you and DH are, and SIL gets the kids. You are foisting your kids on SIL.

Now, like you say, there are interpersonal issues…but I would be LIVID if I was expected to host my DH’s nieces while the parents enjoy a relaxing time with my ILs away. But I am not very comfortable caring for other people’s children overnight. At least before it seemed like a tradeoff, since you and your DH were watching their kids some. Now it’s just a terrible imposition!

I fixed this by telling my DH that in no possible way am I to be left caring for my nieces alone. I don’t mind them being here, but MIL needs to be here too. She knows them so much better. I see them once a year!

In your situation, I would drive to save $$ and get a hotel for your family.

“Foisting” is a bit of a stretch. They are invited and usually only actually sleep there 1-2 nights. And I definitely did not ask for it! We have separate spaces at MIL/FIL’s place so it doesn’t matter to me one way or another.

NP. Pick a lane, OP. Either your SIL/BIL are “elitist” and “act put upon” … or they are graciously inviting your kids to stay with them. Which is it? You are pretty unbelievable.

Wow. Angry much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

No, it doesn't. In fact, I doubt you know the definition of entitlement.

For someone who has yet to make one single case that justifies calling her in-laws “elitist,” you sure are worried about semantics right now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

No, it doesn't. In fact, I doubt you know the definition of entitlement.

For someone who has yet to make one single case that justifies calling her in-laws “elitist,” you sure are worried about semantics right now!

OP already admitted it was irrelevant to the story.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think your BIL & SIL are elitists. Elitists inhabit a higher social rung. Your BIL & SIL are just inhospitable people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think the fact that OP confused 'elitism' with BIL & SIL's unhappiness at being forced to host is sympomatic of the problem.
OP does not understand the family dynamics and chalks it up to them being stuck-up.
The ILs moved to FL to be closer to BIL & SIL. BIL & SIL are probably sick of their proximity. My guess is the parents are constantly barging in while the BIL & SIL have to go about their day.
ILs want a holiday party but pressure BIL & SIL to do the hosting gruntwork.

We tend to fail to see social impropriety and overstepping when dealing with family. But OP, if you wouldn't do this to your friend, don't do it to your BIL & SIL - no matter what the whackadoodle pushy parents say.

[Anonymous]

OP, transition to Christmas in your own home. Travel to see your in laws at a cheaper time, and invite them to your home. I realize your FIL is having surgery this year but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a change next time. Everything else is just noise.

Are your in laws near Orlando? Stay for a couple days then add on time at Disney or Universal. If in the panhandle or Miami or Naples etc, switch to a beach hotel, etc. and make the most of your flights costs. Focus on the positive - Florida in winter can be awesome!

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just agree to host every other year? So next year, your MIL and FIL come to you? If BIL/SIL can't afford it, that's on them.

If they refuse to split years hosting, then a solution is to only spend few days leading up to Xmas there, if you feel like it. Then you come home and relax and do whatever you want for xmas, maybe see some friends.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, my inlaws also have this hangup about everyone being together on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning and... it's just not their show anymore.

One thing that would help a lot is if your husband and his brother communicated more/more effectively about each family's expectations, preferences, and plans. You don't have to do it MIL's way, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others. Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after.

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!!

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.