How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

Maybe SIL is quite fine with you staying at her house while you're in town, mostly to see MIL/FIL. Just don't expect her to 'host' you at all hours and put everything on hold while you're there.

Free accommodation should be quite welcome, reducing the cost of travel significantly. You can even offer to babysit the kids in return, while they go out on 'date night' or pop out to run errands.

And then she can host the big family dinner or event that you're all there for - as apposed to hosting the whole week.

[Anonymous]

If they can say it’s too expensive why can’t you? It is expensive to fly to FL over Christmas so just say not in your budget anymore and just pick a long weekend when prices cheaper and fly down to visit in laws then. The $ you save on flight can then be used for an air B and B. You no ,Niger have depend on SIL/bil to host the social times!

[Anonymous]

No longer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have completely different expectations of what is happening. Brother and SIL don’t think they are “hosting”. No one is sleeping at their house. And they are not looking to see you for three meals a day. I don’t understand why your husband complained about this to start with.

The kids all stay at their house.

Same poster. I will say it again. They are not HOSTING YOU. You have to stop thinking this. They are doing a favor to your MIL and FIL by apparently letting some kids stay at their house. You are annoyed they leave kids with you when they go out. I bet they are annoyed with being responsible for kids overnight. Apparently, they also generously let your ILS borrow their house for things like meals with your family and the other out of town family. You have to stop thinking they are hosting. If you let go of this, half your annoyance will be gone.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have the largest house amongst his family. If my MIL asked us to let family spend the night for a week at the holidays, I would say yes. But I would NOT put all my plans on hold. We have one set of neighbors that hosts us December 23. Another usually does something around the 21st. We would still go to these events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have completely different expectations of what is happening. Brother and SIL don’t think they are “hosting”. No one is sleeping at their house. And they are not looking to see you for three meals a day. I don’t understand why your husband complained about this to start with.

The kids all stay at their house.

Wait - so the kids sleep at their house every night, and *you* are complaining that, when your BIL and SIL occasionally go out with friends, *you* feel liek a babysitter? When they are watching your kids every night?

Holy crap, OP. I'm not sure I've ever seen someone this lacking in self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have completely different expectations of what is happening. Brother and SIL don’t think they are “hosting”. No one is sleeping at their house. And they are not looking to see you for three meals a day. I don’t understand why your husband complained about this to start with.

The kids all stay at their house.

Same poster. I will say it again. They are not HOSTING YOU. You have to stop thinking this. They are doing a favor to your MIL and FIL by apparently letting some kids stay at their house. You are annoyed they leave kids with you when they go out. I bet they are annoyed with being responsible for kids overnight. Apparently, they also generously let your ILS borrow their house for things like meals with your family and the other out of town family. You have to stop thinking they are hosting. If you let go of this, half your annoyance will be gone.

+1 I'd totally resent you as well. Stop going at Christmas. Pick a time when flights are cheaper and get an AirBnB. Enjoy the holidays in your own home. If people come to visit you, great. If not, you'll see the at another time.

Oh - and absolutely nothing in your posts have indicated there is anything 'elitist' abut your BIL/SIL.

[Anonymous]

I would negotiate with DH to go every other year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe SIL is quite fine with you staying at her house while you're in town, mostly to see MIL/FIL. Just don't expect her to 'host' you at all hours and put everything on hold while you're there.

Free accommodation should be quite welcome, reducing the cost of travel significantly. You can even offer to babysit the kids in return, while they go out on 'date night' or pop out to run errands.

And then she can host the big family dinner or event that you're all there for - as apposed to hosting the whole week.

So much this!

[Anonymous]

Just reread in the op that the parents apparently followed BIL/SIL to move to the same neighborhood in Florida, which makes it even worse. Imagine having your MIL/FIL decide they’re going to relocate and move down the street from you, subsequently demand you host the family get togethers they envision but don’t actually have the means to execute, and then berate you for not being adequately social/rearranging your schedule to spend the full week with your unwanted guests after your adult BIL goes whining to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would negotiate with DH to go every other year

I would get a clue and stop seeking (forced) hospitality from your BIL/SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just reread in the op that the parents apparently followed BIL/SIL to move to the same neighborhood in Florida, which makes it even worse. Imagine having your MIL/FIL decide they’re going to relocate and move down the street from you, subsequently demand you host the family get togethers they envision but don’t actually have the means to execute, and then berate you for not being adequately social/rearranging your schedule to spend the full week with your unwanted guests after your adult BIL goes whining to them.

+100. OP, I doubt you have the grace to admit that your expectations of your BIL and SIL (who haven't actually invited you to visit and are literally being put upon to host, and now have to have to cancel all their plans because you want to visit other freaking people) are totally off-base, but I doubt you can muster the self-awareness and empathy required.

[Anonymous]

Just stop going somewhere you know you aren’t wanted. You have plenty of choices- 1. Just have a quiet Christmas with your own nuclear family, 2. Invite your in-laws to come stay with you (and accept if some choose to decline). 3. Go to Florida and stay in a hotel. 4. Meet up in a neutral location.

Your BIL/SIL have made it clear that they aren’t that into spending time together/don’t want to host you but instead of taking the hint your husband goes tattling to mommy and daddy and somehow you think that will make the next visit better?

[Anonymous]

I think the main issue is with MIL/FIL trying to host when they can’t do it in a 1 bedroom condo. There just isn’t enough room / space for 3 families plus them to hang out. I think that you need to start staying in a hotel and / or make the trips a lot shorter or less frequent.

Things change over time, MIL/FIL don’t get to have the big family holidays anymore when they don’t have the space, they moved away, and BIL/SIL aren’t willing to help out or only do so grudgingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

why should your SIL host your friends?