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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

Man, you all are brutal!

At the same time, rereading my post, stripped of personalities and interpersonal dynamics, I can see how it reads to others.  Your responses also helped me see where my error may be - blaming my SIL, instead of blaming my MIL. She's setting us all up for this. Not intentionally, but not without considering the imposition apparently.

Admittedly, I don't have all the info because I don't deal with the arrangement making. I have *assumed* that SIL wanted to host, but perhaps she is being coerced into it by MIL. I might clarify this with DH. I'm pretty sure his understanding is the same.

We have no problem getting a hotel room; our in-laws insisted we stay at their place. But that doesn't solve the space issue regardless, whether we are staying at their place or in a hotel or AirBnB.

In the end, I think we minimize our number of days there, offer to get together for dinner in a restaurant with SIL & BIL when we *are* in town and that's it. They're clearly not interested in spending time together, and that's okay.[/quote]

I’m glad you’ve come to see reason. Your whole attitude of “we have to gather at their house for a holiday meal because that’s where we all fit” smacks of entitlement, when plenty of restaurants do holiday meals, and even if they don’t, you can visit a restaurant the day before or the day after. [/quote]

Not MY idea - it is the ILs idea.[/quote]

I never said it was your idea; it was your ATTITUDE. Your attitude that BIL and SIL should, of course, drop all their plans, host a big meal at their house, and have extra people in their house overnight, just to please your MIL/FIL and fulfill THEIR idea of how the holiday should go. You need to reframe your attitude about your SIL especially. Gross. She’s not even a blood relative, dude. It’s her parents and her husband who should be hosting any out-of-towners, and really not even your BIL since he didn’t invite you!!![/quote]

Well, that’s when I thought that SIL/BIL were in on the invitation. I would never invite people to stay in my home and then disappear with DH. But that’s beside the point. Now I am realizing that SIL and BIL were likely pushed into hosting us. Which is not cool.[/quote]

They gave you free lodging in a desirable locale. Then you expected them to turn down social invitations and stop doing what they wanted to do with their holiday? I hope you are starting to see how squarely you have been in the wrong to hold such resentments toward BIL and SIL.[/quote]

Who the heck has family fly in for a holiday and then makes plans with other people and leaves guests alone to fend for themselves??  That's bizarre-O[/quote]

THEY DIDN’T ASK OP/DH TO FLY IN. DO YOU GET IT? THE IN-LAWS ASKED THEM TO FLY IN, AND SIL/BIL ARE DOING THEM THE GRACIOUS FAVOR OF ALLOWING THEM TO STAY AT THEIR HOUSE AND HAVE A HOLIDAY MEAL AT THEIR HOUSE. SIL AND BIL DID NOT INVITE THEM AND DO NOT WANT TO HOST THEM.[/quote]

When they agree to do it, however, they lose the high ground. THey agreed. So suck it up.[/quote]

“They agreed” to let someone stay in their home. You don’t then get to move the goalposts by insisting that they wait on you hand and foot, and drop everything in their lives to be available to sit and stare at you all day.[/quote]

In most families when you travel to visit relatives over the holidays at great expense and are invited to stay with them you can assume that:

1) They want you to stay with them
2) They enjoy your company
3) They are happy to have you and want to spend time with you

OP's expectations were completely reasonable, but obviously after the way things went this year she has to revise her opinion and expectations.  It seems pretty clear now that MIL/FIL forced SIL/BIL to host them and that they weren't happy about it.  There is no way that OP could have known this in advance.[/quote]

In most families, people only come visit when they are invited by their actual hosts, who either have the actual space to host them, or make it clear that a hotel will need to be involved. Normal people don't invite people to visit, only to turn around and foist responsibility off on other local family, who may or may not WANT to host.

And yes there IS a way OP could have known about that in advance: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

"Hey Ted, Sally and Beth invited us to stay for Thanksgiving, but I don't think they actually have enough room for us all to stay with them. Would it be an imposition for the kids to stay with you for two nights? Oh great, thank you so much. Oh, what's that, but you're still going to a party on Friday and are going to a play on Sunday? Oh, that's totally fine, of course, we don't want you to drop everything just because Sally and Beth invited us to visit. Sally and Beth also said that you could host Thanksgiving dinner. We wanted to make sure you were OK with that, and we also wanted to see if we can do or make anything--we want to contribute in any way that would be helpful."[/quote]

OP here. This points out something that should have been obvious to me. DH and his brother are notoriously TERRIBLE communicators. However, I refuse to take responsibility for their family dynamics. I don’t have bandwidth to insert myself into my husband’s family’s dynamics. I have to trust he is handling it appropriately.[/quote]

That's not how it works. Where my kids are involved I'm not just going to ASSume my husband has handled it with his family when they are known bad communicators. I would call my SIL up and say "mom has this planned, is that ok with you? Just want to make sure." At the end of the day my kids are my responsibility and I won't use them as bartering chips because of poor family dynamics or to make a point. They're kids, not pawns in your silly power plays.[/quote]

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