How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

Just don't go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Elitist is not the right word, OP.

Selfish and insensitive is more like it.

+1

Definitely selfish, OP. PP here - you aren't going to change her. Work around her - it should be very easy- if she is like my SIL, ANYTHING stresses her out, and is considered "more work" - so they won't exert themselves unless it serves just them, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

OP here... thanks.. maybe this is the way - go for a long weekend (3-day) and let them know we are in town if they want to get together.

They are kind of elitist - but rereading my post - that doesn't really connect to what I shared in the original post. Fair enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

OP here- to clarify, we are going to see everyone - MIL/FIL want the whole family to be together over the holiday. The problem is, the only place big enough to host everyone is SIL/BIL's home. I have to assume that MIL/FIL arrange this with BIL, but as a DIL, I have no clue.

[Anonymous]

I would decide what makes sense: we're willing to travel every other year, or whatever. On "off" years, you formally invite them. If they decline, you stay home. If they whine that you're not coming, you say, "So you yourself say that it is 'too expensive' to travel to us, so we're expected to incur the expense to travel to you every year? I don't think so."

But here's what I'm not understanding about your story: you say your brother complained and asked them not to be so busy. They literally cleared their calendar, *like you asked,* and you eye-roll about that? Your attitude is a factor here, whether you can admit that or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

OP here - I'd actually prefer to return to her maintaining her social life if it means not having to deal with constant resentment.

However, in the past, when SIL & BIL go out to maintain their social lives, they leave their kids with us. The kids hang out with their cousins, but now it's like we are built-in babysitters (because we go to their house for the space.)

Here comes the goalposts being moved, right on cue...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

+100!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

OP here- to clarify, we are going to see everyone - MIL/FIL want the whole family to be together over the holiday. The problem is, the only place big enough to host everyone is SIL/BIL's home. I have to assume that MIL/FIL arrange this with BIL, but as a DIL, I have no clue.

This is consistent with your initial post, where your husband complained to his parents, who passed it along, and then your SIL modified her plans to accommodate your gripes.

If you can't see why she might be annoyed about that, I don't know what to say. Perhaps I'm more sensitive to it, because that's how my own sister operates.

[Anonymous]

I'm not totally seeing the problem. You stay with your MIL/FIL. Presumably, there is some family event on the actual holiday, which is what BIL/SIL host. The rest of the time, do not assume that they will be available. Invite them to join you for dinner or whatever. Invite the cousins to do whatever your kids want to do with them; the rest of the time, just explain that you can't babysit. There is no reason BIL/SIL need to "host" the whole time you're there when you're not even staying there.

[Anonymous]

Why did your husband not communicate with his own brother, directly, that he wanted to see him/his family more during your visits? Why did he run to complain to Mommy?

If I were your SIL, I'd be peeved, too. It's called DIRECT COMMUNICATION between grown-ups. If my SIL and her spouse had an issue with my husband and me, I would want them to communicate with us, directly, without using Mommy as a chiding middle man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally seeing the problem. You stay with your MIL/FIL. Presumably, there is some family event on the actual holiday, which is what BIL/SIL host. The rest of the time, do not assume that they will be available. Invite them to join you for dinner or whatever. Invite the cousins to do whatever your kids want to do with them; the rest of the time, just explain that you can't babysit. There is no reason BIL/SIL need to "host" the whole time you're there when you're not even staying there.

+100. If you can't afford a hotel, then don't go. You want to visit MIL/FIL: those are the people who actually want you to come visit. And somehow because you want to visit MIL/FIL, your SIL now has to cook and clean and host and drop holiday plans? BIL and SIL did not volunteer as tribute to host out of town guests that they clearly aren't that interested in seeing. But because they got the guilt trip, they've opened their doors to you and dropped their plans, and you STILL aren't satisfied?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

OP here- to clarify, we are going to see everyone - MIL/FIL want the whole family to be together over the holiday. The problem is, the only place big enough to host everyone is SIL/BIL's home. I have to assume that MIL/FIL arrange this with BIL, but as a DIL, I have no clue.

This is the problem- if it’s so important to MIL and FIL to have the family together they need to find a way to do so without foisting responsibility on a couple that clearly have no desire to host. SIL/BIL aren’t the ones inviting you (and from what it sounds like really don’t care that much about getting together for the holidays). You shouldn’t expect them to drop everything to host/spend time with you for a week just because you’ve spent a lot of money to travel when it sounds like they don’t want you there in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is being a little tough on the OP. I think there is a little tension between MIL and the Florida DIL. Maybe it’s because they moved too close to BIL and DIL or maybe because she invites people to THEIR home for a gathering/dinner. Going forward, spend 3 days with them and move to another location or go home. If MIL have a pool clubhouse (or the beach), you and your DH could host a easy relaxing lunch for all the kids and adults. This way, you could get the kids out of the house and not in your SIL’s home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally seeing the problem. You stay with your MIL/FIL. Presumably, there is some family event on the actual holiday, which is what BIL/SIL host. The rest of the time, do not assume that they will be available. Invite them to join you for dinner or whatever. Invite the cousins to do whatever your kids want to do with them; the rest of the time, just explain that you can't babysit. There is no reason BIL/SIL need to "host" the whole time you're there when you're not even staying there.

This.