How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

My DH's brother and SIL live in FL. My MIL & FIL bought a place within walking distance of their house for retirement. I generally have no problems with my MIL & FIL. They are good people.

Because of their location, family holiday get-togethers are defaulting to FL now due to warm weather. Historically, though they are hosting, my BIL & SIL, continue living their lives as though no one is visiting, i.e., going to social events, having friends over. Meanwhile, we have spent thousands to get to FL (on a much lower budget), as has another sibling and their family (even lower budget than us). We are able to stay at our MIL & FIL's place while they stay with a different friend. It's a much much smaller place though, and not conducive to hosting meals, activities, etc. for the entire group.

My DH complained to his parents, and this time my SIL made sure to tell me they had "cleared the calendar" for our visit. The entire time, she seemed resentful of hosting us, in a bad mood, refused help/support (I offered many times, and often just *did* stuff that needed to be done - like clearing a table, etc), acted like a martyr, disengaged from conversations, or when she was, she came off as judgmental (which is, I suppose, when the elitism really kicks in). MIL/FIL encouraged siblings & spouses to go out one night, and SIL & BIL created so much drama about not being able to get reservations at such a late date, and how busy everything was, that I and another sibling nearly told them to take us home and get take out instead. It just felt miserable being with them, like they were so "put upon" because we were in town.

Anyway, we offered to host last year, and then everyone backed out - SIL/BIL saying it was "too expensive." Which is ironic because they are extremely wealthy. And we have to pay to travel every.single.year. for family visits. FIL needed some surgery... yada yada. Fine.

Because MIL & FIL are there, I don't see how we can get out of going to FL, but I'd be perfectly happy not going back ever again. And I definitely want no part of them hosting us all ever again. However, it is DH's family.

Any suggestions for how to handle these trips in the future? For sure, I'm going to insist a max of 2-3 nights - but even that is hard, when we are paying thousands just to fly down. It sucks when it is clear that we are not wanted there (the MIL & FIL are the point people for these events, so we rely on them to determine when it is appropriate to come.)

[Anonymous]

HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

[Anonymous]

You just have completely different expectations of what is happening. Brother and SIL don’t think they are “hosting”. No one is sleeping at their house. And they are not looking to see you for three meals a day. I don’t understand why your husband complained about this to start with.

[Anonymous]

So... you don't like your SIL/BIL, so you don't want them to host, and you have an option to stay at your MIL/FIL's place instead... What was your problem again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

OP here - I'd actually prefer to return to her maintaining her social life if it means not having to deal with constant resentment.

However, in the past, when SIL & BIL go out to maintain their social lives, they leave their kids with us. The kids hang out with their cousins, but now it's like we are built-in babysitters (because we go to their house for the space.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have completely different expectations of what is happening. Brother and SIL don’t think they are “hosting”. No one is sleeping at their house. And they are not looking to see you for three meals a day. I don’t understand why your husband complained about this to start with.

The kids all stay at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So... you don't like your SIL/BIL, so you don't want them to host, and you have an option to stay at your MIL/FIL's place instead... What was your problem again?

We don't have a choice in going to SIL/BIL's house... our MIL/FIL's place is too small to host the entire family. (Think 1 bedroom/1 bath, vs 6 bedroom home)

[Anonymous]

Elitist is not the right word, OP.

Selfish and insensitive is more like it.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to go to Florida, don't go to Florida. "Sorry, we won't make it for Christmas this year. We'll be celebrating at home in MD - let's Facetime at 9:30 to connect." And then just ... don't go to Florida.

[Anonymous]

Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

[Anonymous]

Find other ways to see MIL/FIL. For next holiday season, cite the same exact excuse for not going: it's too expensive for us to fly every year. Given the latest Christmas flying fiasco, no one can blame you for refusing to do this every year.

Also, I find it interesting that you blame all the problems on SIL. Where is DH's brother in all this? Is he silent and powerless?

[Anonymous]

Stay home at the holidays so your kids can have memories of holiday celebrations in their own home. As for FL visits to family, rent an airb&b home for your stay and host them, but only go at off peak times when rates will be lower for you and only as often as you can afford to do so.

It seems no one there is thrilled with the family get-togethers, so don’t be the ones bending over backwards to make them happen every year. Let DH go by himself if he wants to see them more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH's brother and SIL live in FL. My MIL & FIL bought a place within walking distance of their house for retirement. I generally have no problems with my MIL & FIL. They are good people.

Because of their location, family holiday get-togethers are defaulting to FL now due to warm weather. Historically, though they are hosting, my BIL & SIL, continue living their lives as though no one is visiting, i.e., going to social events, having friends over. Meanwhile, we have spent thousands to get to FL (on a much lower budget), as has another sibling and their family (even lower budget than us). We are able to stay at our MIL & FIL's place while they stay with a different friend. It's a much much smaller place though, and not conducive to hosting meals, activities, etc. for the entire group.

My DH complained to his parents, and this time my SIL made sure to tell me they had "cleared the calendar" for our visit. The entire time, she seemed resentful of hosting us, in a bad mood, refused help/support (I offered many times, and often just *did* stuff that needed to be done - like clearing a table, etc), acted like a martyr, disengaged from conversations, or when she was, she came off as judgmental (which is, I suppose, when the elitism really kicks in). MIL/FIL encouraged siblings & spouses to go out one night, and SIL & BIL created so much drama about not being able to get reservations at such a late date, and how busy everything was, that I and another sibling nearly told them to take us home and get take out instead. It just felt miserable being with them, like they were so "put upon" because we were in town.

Anyway, we offered to host last year, and then everyone backed out - SIL/BIL saying it was "too expensive." Which is ironic because they are extremely wealthy. And we have to pay to travel every.single.year. for family visits. FIL needed some surgery... yada yada. Fine.

Because MIL & FIL are there, I don't see how we can get out of going to FL, but I'd be perfectly happy not going back ever again. And I definitely want no part of them hosting us all ever again. However, it is DH's family.

Any suggestions for how to handle these trips in the future? For sure, I'm going to insist a max of 2-3 nights - but even that is hard, when we are paying thousands just to fly down. It sucks when it is clear that we are not wanted there (the MIL & FIL are the point people for these events, so we rely on them to determine when it is appropriate to come.)

Less is more, OP. You'd pay for the flights regardless to travel to FL so remove any sense of what value you should receive flights-wise from your minds. This gets easier to embrace with each time.
Or fly down, stay 2-3 days and then go off on your own somewhere with just your nuclear family and make a mini vacation of it. Rent an airbnb near a beach and just relax for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Elitist is not the right word, OP.

Selfish and insensitive is more like it.

+1
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means