How to deal with elitist in-laws

[Anonymous]

I don't get why are you paying thousands to fly to Florida? Do you have lots of kids? Could you use points/miles or fly on non-peak days? Frankly, Florida is not worth thousands of dollars on airfare to get to.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't know what one can say to you? You are too poor and dependent on the charity of others to have hurt feelings. Good advice has been given to you already. It is not fair on your ILs to have to deal with you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't know what one can say to you? You are too poor and dependent on the charity of others to have hurt feelings. Good advice has been given to you already. It is not fair on your ILs to have to deal with you all.

+1. You want free lodging in a destination state at peak travel times. Not only that, you want hosts to cater to you 24/7 and drop all their plans. It’s unbelievable. And no, they don’t want to fly to visit you in your non-destination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. To OP - with your new updates, I think I agree that your BIL and SIL are rude. They go out during what is supposed to be a "family meal" at their own house? Invite completely unrelated people to what is supposed to be a family occasion?

Again that can work but only in certain contexts. Definitely not if your BIL and SIL are ignoring family in favor of the additional friends they invited (is there what happened?).

Who billed it as a “family meal,” the imposing MIL and FIL? My family visits our area constantly, both because DC is a destination and because we have three family households within 10 minutes of each other, so we can usually accommodate even large groups, even if we spread people between several households. We run the gamut from red-carpet hosting to “we’ll be out of town, but here’s the garage code—you’re welcome to stay.” I can totally see a scenario where MIL wanted “family dinner” but BIL/SIL already had plans, but graciously said, “You’re welcome to stay and have dinner at our house because we have more room to spread out.” That AND they keep OP’s kids overnight? Wow, BIL and SIL are gracious even if all they are doing is opening their doors and allowing OP and her family to stay with them, in a destination location, for free, year after year.

[Anonymous]

"A few years ago my in laws moved to our town. They want to continue the everyone-together-at-Christmas thing but don't have the space to host, so my MIL just told her other kids and their spouses that we would host at our house, since it's bigger. Now I am expected to cook and clean for everyone, and watch their kids overnight. We have a busy social calendar around the holidays and my BIL and SIL complained to my MIL about this, so we were forced to cancel plans. I'm so resentful at having to do all of this extra work that I didn't volunteer, and miss out on seeing friends. Trying to put on a brave face but I can tell my SIL is bitching about me behind my back."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't know what one can say to you? You are too poor and dependent on the charity of others to have hurt feelings. Good advice has been given to you already. It is not fair on your ILs to have to deal with you all.

+1. You want free lodging in a destination state at peak travel times. Not only that, you want hosts to cater to you 24/7 and drop all their plans. It’s unbelievable. And no, they don’t want to fly to visit you in your non-destination.

NP here. STFU you a-hole. OP’s family was invited for the holidays. They didn’t roll up randomly because they wanted a beach vacay.

In my family, if you invite someone, you host. That means figuring out food and entertainment and being generally available. We don’t treat them like leeches, we treat them like *our beloved family members who spent a lot of money and time traveling to us and now we want to make their stay awesome*.

DH and I take the kids to my SIL’s home for a week every summer. They do the same. We trade taking days off so we can take our ES kids for outings. We are fully available to them, and vice versa. Because we prioritize spending time with them during the limited time we have together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't know what one can say to you? You are too poor and dependent on the charity of others to have hurt feelings. Good advice has been given to you already. It is not fair on your ILs to have to deal with you all.

+1. You want free lodging in a destination state at peak travel times. Not only that, you want hosts to cater to you 24/7 and drop all their plans. It’s unbelievable. And no, they don’t want to fly to visit you in your non-destination.

NP here. STFU you a-hole. OP’s family was invited for the holidays. They didn’t roll up randomly because they wanted a beach vacay.

In my family, if you invite someone, you host. That means figuring out food and entertainment and being generally available. We don’t treat them like leeches, we treat them like *our beloved family members who spent a lot of money and time traveling to us and now we want to make their stay awesome*.

DH and I take the kids to my SIL’s home for a week every summer. They do the same. We trade taking days off so we can take our ES kids for outings. We are fully available to them, and vice versa. Because we prioritize spending time with them during the limited time we have together.

They.
Were.
Not.
Invited by BIL and SIL.
They.
Were.
Invited by MIL and FIL, who *cannot host large family meals.*
Did I go slow enough? Did you get that yet, you moron?

MIL and FIL did all the inviting, and then roped BIL and SIL into hosting big holiday meals AND taking OP’s kids overnight because their house is too small to host. Instead of getting a hotel and moving the holiday meal to a restaurant, OP and her husband have gone along with the bait-and-switch “we are inviting you, just kidding, SIL/BIL are hosting you” and have somehow not grasped that BIL and SIL are, indeed, being put upon.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I’m team SIL on this, sorry.

She wants to see you for a meal or two, not have your family take over her family’s home and calendar for a week in holiday season.

She’s being nice for the parents but obviously isn’t her choice.

[Anonymous]

When we got married DH and I discussed how to handle the Holidays. We agreed that he would choose one year if we’d go to his family, I’d choose the next if we’d go to my family, and every third year we’d focus on our family and stay home. We realized that we much prefer to spend the holidays at home, less travel, less expense, less stress etc. So this is what we do each year. We see his family for a full week every summer and occasionally throughout the year.

This works very well for us. I think you should speak to your DH about what both of you want and just focus on that.

I don’t think the sibling is selfish but it’s ok for them to want to relax and see friends and do their own thing on the holidays. Nobody wants guests forced on them.

You can’t change anyone else’s behavior but start your own traditions in your home and you’ll love it.

Also now that my in-laws are much older the dynamic has shifted from SIL draining them all the time with her childcare needs etc so SIL bring their care giver. I’m glad we live out of state!