If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

I guess so. My sexual attraction to my husband really doesn’t fluctuate based on his appearance. When we met, he lifted weights a lot, and he was bigger and more muscular than he is now. He also had fewer wrinkles and a full head of hair. Now, he is skinny and balding with an occasional neck beard and hair starting to grow on his back and shoulders. You know what, it really doesn’t affect how I feel about him.
He is my life partner. He is the father of my children. He was there for me when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and later when she died. I stood by him when he was from his job and didn’t know what he was going to do. We make each other laugh every single day. No. I don’t care if he has zits or hair on his back, no hair on his head, yellowing teeth, or a beer belly. I still love him exactly the same, and I still want to express that in a physical way.

Same here. H is definitely not as “hot” as he was when we met but I’m more attracted to him than ever. He sat by my side when I was sick in the hospital literally soiling myself over and over, changed my bedding when nurses couldn’t, and never made me feel less than beautiful. I watched him take whatever drops of breast milk I could pump to the NICU for our premie baby at all hours of the day and night. He’s prioritized “exercise” that lets us bond as a family, so walking the kids to the park to play soccer in the evening, or doing a kids yoga video, or taking our child on nature walks, rather than going to the gym by himself and being away from our family. Which means he’s not getting a workout in that would make him “hot”, although what he’s doing is probably healthier (exercise, outdoors, and family time instead of pounding away on a treadmill).

Sex is way hotter now too, as we’re not insecure about our bodies anymore, we know the other person wants *us* and not just a hottie, and we’ve stopped feeling like we need to perform to be as attractive as possible.

I feel sad for everyone whose attraction to their spouse is so fickle. Being with my H feels like coming home and a new adventure at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Op - what articles are you reading? Are they really saying that losing weight for your spouse heats up the bedroom / improves the marriage? I’m sad for you - because you didn’t write that YOU thought you should lose weight, and it seems you had a zest for life (sex, food) that now is dulled. Ugh. He’s an a**hole.

[Anonymous]

Who are all you women who just arrived on planet earth yesterday and don't realize men are more shallow and visually stimulated than women? Sure you love your husband more now that he helped you through various crises, that's great. Men don't work like that. Your husband will appreciate if you help him through a life crisis while he's banging his secretary. "Not MY husband, MY husband has integrity!!1" Uh-huh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

I guess so. My sexual attraction to my husband really doesn’t fluctuate based on his appearance. When we met, he lifted weights a lot, and he was bigger and more muscular than he is now. He also had fewer wrinkles and a full head of hair. Now, he is skinny and balding with an occasional neck beard and hair starting to grow on his back and shoulders. You know what, it really doesn’t affect how I feel about him.
He is my life partner. He is the father of my children. He was there for me when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and later when she died. I stood by him when he was from his job and didn’t know what he was going to do. We make each other laugh every single day. No. I don’t care if he has zits or hair on his back, no hair on his head, yellowing teeth, or a beer belly. I still love him exactly the same, and I still want to express that in a physical way.

Same here. H is definitely not as “hot” as he was when we met but I’m more attracted to him than ever. He sat by my side when I was sick in the hospital literally soiling myself over and over, changed my bedding when nurses couldn’t, and never made me feel less than beautiful. I watched him take whatever drops of breast milk I could pump to the NICU for our premie baby at all hours of the day and night. He’s prioritized “exercise” that lets us bond as a family, so walking the kids to the park to play soccer in the evening, or doing a kids yoga video, or taking our child on nature walks, rather than going to the gym by himself and being away from our family. Which means he’s not getting a workout in that would make him “hot”, although what he’s doing is probably healthier (exercise, outdoors, and family time instead of pounding away on a treadmill).

Sex is way hotter now too, as we’re not insecure about our bodies anymore, we know the other person wants *us* and not just a hottie, and we’ve stopped feeling like we need to perform to be as attractive as possible.

I feel sad for everyone whose attraction to their spouse is so fickle. Being with my H feels like coming home and a new adventure at the same time.

And if your husband wanted to lose weight and get fit you'd tell him not to because you wouldn't find him attractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you women who just arrived on planet earth yesterday and don't realize men are more shallow and visually stimulated than women? Sure you love your husband more now that he helped you through various crises, that's great. Men don't work like that. Your husband will appreciate if you help him through a life crisis while he's banging his secretary. "Not MY husband, MY husband has integrity!!1" Uh-huh.

I think a lot of these women are lying to themselves.

As for men love is love and attraction is attraction.


I may love you but not really be physically attracted to you anymore or want to have sex with you I can admit this as a woman a lot of women can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

Your post is disingenuous, and you damn well know it. The OP described being overweight. That’s it. Nothing about how she smelled, skin, etc. Just being heavier than she had been, but otherwise attractive and a terrific partner.

My DH has gained weight through the course of our marriage and *because I still like him as a person* we’re still happily married. This idea that partners deserve to be maximally sexually attracted to their spouses for all time is BS. Grow the hell up.

I'm not the PP, who is being over the top. But a woman gaining 40 lbs is big weight gain. I doubt I would be attracted to my wife if she gained 40lbs. A request to lose 40 lbs is not a demand for maximal sexual attractiveness, it is a request for a return to something approaching a normal weight and a realistic acknowledgment that weight loss is necessary to restore physical attraction.

I guess that I just don’t get this.
As long as everyone is healthy, and you are attracted enough to have a good sex life, what does it matter?

Also, what happens if your wife gets cancer or has an accident or something that makes her less attractive? What if she just gets old? Are you just going to leave? Are you going to bluntly tell her that you don’t find her attractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you women who just arrived on planet earth yesterday and don't realize men are more shallow and visually stimulated than women? Sure you love your husband more now that he helped you through various crises, that's great. Men don't work like that. Your husband will appreciate if you help him through a life crisis while he's banging his secretary. "Not MY husband, MY husband has integrity!!1" Uh-huh.

I think a lot of these women are lying to themselves.

As for men love is love and attraction is attraction.


I may love you but not really be physically attracted to you anymore or want to have sex with you I can admit this as a woman a lot of women can't.

I will tell you that, as a woman, this just doesn’t even compute to me. Loving someone and knowing that they love me back feels synonymous with finding them physically attractive. I would say that most women even feel this way about platonic relationships. I have met plenty of mothers who are completely blind to how ugly their children are.

The nature of my relationship with my husband is sexual, so this feeling of attraction extends to the bedroom. And I will tell you that when there are days or months or years that I don’t feel love or loved, then I don’t feel physically attracted to him, no matter what he looks like.

I just can’t relate to separating out loving someone and finding them beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you women who just arrived on planet earth yesterday and don't realize men are more shallow and visually stimulated than women? Sure you love your husband more now that he helped you through various crises, that's great. Men don't work like that. Your husband will appreciate if you help him through a life crisis while he's banging his secretary. "Not MY husband, MY husband has integrity!!1" Uh-huh.

I think a lot of these women are lying to themselves.

As for men love is love and attraction is attraction.


I may love you but not really be physically attracted to you anymore or want to have sex with you I can admit this as a woman a lot of women can't.

I will tell you that, as a woman, this just doesn’t even compute to me. Loving someone and knowing that they love me back feels synonymous with finding them physically attractive. I would say that most women even feel this way about platonic relationships. I have met plenty of mothers who are completely blind to how ugly their children are.

The nature of my relationship with my husband is sexual, so this feeling of attraction extends to the bedroom. And I will tell you that when there are days or months or years that I don’t feel love or loved, then I don’t feel physically attracted to him, no matter what he looks like.

I just can’t relate to separating out loving someone and finding them beautiful.

Yeah and women have been conditioned to believe this bull. I'm s woman. Attraction fades and changes. You're absolutely lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Love and attraction are two different things which is why we don't usually end up marrying the first person we found hot and wanted to sleep with it's also why we usually don't divorce because someone goes bald but if you think but a hit body is a hot body and most people young or old want sex with a hot body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

Your post is disingenuous, and you damn well know it. The OP described being overweight. That’s it. Nothing about how she smelled, skin, etc. Just being heavier than she had been, but otherwise attractive and a terrific partner.

My DH has gained weight through the course of our marriage and *because I still like him as a person* we’re still happily married. This idea that partners deserve to be maximally sexually attracted to their spouses for all time is BS. Grow the hell up.

I'm not the PP, who is being over the top. But a woman gaining 40 lbs is big weight gain. I doubt I would be attracted to my wife if she gained 40lbs. A request to lose 40 lbs is not a demand for maximal sexual attractiveness, it is a request for a return to something approaching a normal weight and a realistic acknowledgment that weight loss is necessary to restore physical attraction.

I guess that I just don’t get this.
As long as everyone is healthy, and you are attracted enough to have a good sex life, what does it matter?

Also, what happens if your wife gets cancer or has an accident or something that makes her less attractive? What if she just gets old? Are you just going to leave? Are you going to bluntly tell her that you don’t find her attractive?

NP here who said anything about leaving?

This weight loss is something within ops control. It's not much different than if he asked her to wear makeup or a sexy night gown.

Women complain here all the time about their overweight and slovenly husbands wanting sex with them and being turned off. This isn't any different despite your attempts to spin it into something else.

[Anonymous]

Overweight women are a no no. Overweight guy is acceptable if he is making money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

I guess so. My sexual attraction to my husband really doesn’t fluctuate based on his appearance. When we met, he lifted weights a lot, and he was bigger and more muscular than he is now. He also had fewer wrinkles and a full head of hair. Now, he is skinny and balding with an occasional neck beard and hair starting to grow on his back and shoulders. You know what, it really doesn’t affect how I feel about him.
He is my life partner. He is the father of my children. He was there for me when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and later when she died. I stood by him when he was from his job and didn’t know what he was going to do. We make each other laugh every single day. No. I don’t care if he has zits or hair on his back, no hair on his head, yellowing teeth, or a beer belly. I still love him exactly the same, and I still want to express that in a physical way.

Same here. H is definitely not as “hot” as he was when we met but I’m more attracted to him than ever. He sat by my side when I was sick in the hospital literally soiling myself over and over, changed my bedding when nurses couldn’t, and never made me feel less than beautiful. I watched him take whatever drops of breast milk I could pump to the NICU for our premie baby at all hours of the day and night. He’s prioritized “exercise” that lets us bond as a family, so walking the kids to the park to play soccer in the evening, or doing a kids yoga video, or taking our child on nature walks, rather than going to the gym by himself and being away from our family. Which means he’s not getting a workout in that would make him “hot”, although what he’s doing is probably healthier (exercise, outdoors, and family time instead of pounding away on a treadmill).

Sex is way hotter now too, as we’re not insecure about our bodies anymore, we know the other person wants *us* and not just a hottie, and we’ve stopped feeling like we need to perform to be as attractive as possible.

I feel sad for everyone whose attraction to their spouse is so fickle. Being with my H feels like coming home and a new adventure at the same time.

And if your husband wanted to lose weight and get fit you'd tell him not to because you wouldn't find him attractive?

Not sure where you’re getting that from. H and I support each other if either of us wants to lose weight. I’m working on losing 20 pounds, he supports me but also let me know he is attracted to me either way so not to feel pressured to lose weight for him. Same thing, I’d support him but I don’t expect him to strive to look a certain way for my benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

Your post is disingenuous, and you damn well know it. The OP described being overweight. That’s it. Nothing about how she smelled, skin, etc. Just being heavier than she had been, but otherwise attractive and a terrific partner.

My DH has gained weight through the course of our marriage and *because I still like him as a person* we’re still happily married. This idea that partners deserve to be maximally sexually attracted to their spouses for all time is BS. Grow the hell up.

I'm not the PP, who is being over the top. But a woman gaining 40 lbs is big weight gain. I doubt I would be attracted to my wife if she gained 40lbs. A request to lose 40 lbs is not a demand for maximal sexual attractiveness, it is a request for a return to something approaching a normal weight and a realistic acknowledgment that weight loss is necessary to restore physical attraction.

I guess that I just don’t get this.
As long as everyone is healthy, and you are attracted enough to have a good sex life, what does it matter?

Also, what happens if your wife gets cancer or has an accident or something that makes her less attractive? What if she just gets old? Are you just going to leave? Are you going to bluntly tell her that you don’t find her attractive?

It’s well documented that men are far more likely to leave their wives with cancer than vice versa.

Basically it’s cultural acceptable for males to be POS and leave or cheat for superficial reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

Your post is disingenuous, and you damn well know it. The OP described being overweight. That’s it. Nothing about how she smelled, skin, etc. Just being heavier than she had been, but otherwise attractive and a terrific partner.

My DH has gained weight through the course of our marriage and *because I still like him as a person* we’re still happily married. This idea that partners deserve to be maximally sexually attracted to their spouses for all time is BS. Grow the hell up.

I'm not the PP, who is being over the top. But a woman gaining 40 lbs is big weight gain. I doubt I would be attracted to my wife if she gained 40lbs. A request to lose 40 lbs is not a demand for maximal sexual attractiveness, it is a request for a return to something approaching a normal weight and a realistic acknowledgment that weight loss is necessary to restore physical attraction.

I guess that I just don’t get this.
As long as everyone is healthy, and you are attracted enough to have a good sex life, what does it matter?

Also, what happens if your wife gets cancer or has an accident or something that makes her less attractive? What if she just gets old? Are you just going to leave? Are you going to bluntly tell her that you don’t find her attractive?

NP here who said anything about leaving?

This weight loss is something within ops control. It's not much different than if he asked her to wear makeup or a sexy night gown.

Women complain here all the time about their overweight and slovenly husbands wanting sex with them and being turned off. This isn't any different despite your attempts to spin it into something else.

OP here. I am not slovenly, and my husband is not turned off. If anything, he seems to be turned off by the weight I have lost, even though that’s explicitly wha he says that he wants.

Also, it’s very different than asking someone to wear makeup or a sexy nightgown. You can do those things later that day and be attractive to your partner. Then you move on with your life. With weight loss, you have to change the structure of your life, at least a little bit, every day, and you have to live with the fact that you aren’t attractive to your partner for months, if it ever happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, so many hypocritical women on this thread. You didn't care what your husband looked like when you met him and fell for him? And you would be sexually interested in him now regardless of his appearance? He could weigh 300 pounds, smell like old cheese, have zits all over, yellow teeth, and so on, and you would still be sextually attracted to him? Give me a break.

Your post is disingenuous, and you damn well know it. The OP described being overweight. That’s it. Nothing about how she smelled, skin, etc. Just being heavier than she had been, but otherwise attractive and a terrific partner.

My DH has gained weight through the course of our marriage and *because I still like him as a person* we’re still happily married. This idea that partners deserve to be maximally sexually attracted to their spouses for all time is BS. Grow the hell up.

I'm not the PP, who is being over the top. But a woman gaining 40 lbs is big weight gain. I doubt I would be attracted to my wife if she gained 40lbs. A request to lose 40 lbs is not a demand for maximal sexual attractiveness, it is a request for a return to something approaching a normal weight and a realistic acknowledgment that weight loss is necessary to restore physical attraction.

I guess that I just don’t get this.
As long as everyone is healthy, and you are attracted enough to have a good sex life, what does it matter?

Also, what happens if your wife gets cancer or has an accident or something that makes her less attractive? What if she just gets old? Are you just going to leave? Are you going to bluntly tell her that you don’t find her attractive?

NP here who said anything about leaving?

This weight loss is something within ops control. It's not much different than if he asked her to wear makeup or a sexy night gown.

Women complain here all the time about their overweight and slovenly husbands wanting sex with them and being turned off. This isn't any different despite your attempts to spin it into something else.

OP here. I am not slovenly, and my husband is not turned off. If anything, he seems to be turned off by the weight I have lost, even though that’s explicitly wha he says that he wants.

Also, it’s very different than asking someone to wear makeup or a sexy nightgown. You can do those things later that day and be attractive to your partner. Then you move on with your life. With weight loss, you have to change the structure of your life, at least a little bit, every day, and you have to live with the fact that you aren’t attractive to your partner for months, if it ever happens.

OP - something you wrote earlier on this thread is stuck in my head. How you felt happy and present before, and now you feel like you are constantly thinking about food and your body. It didn't even occur to me that those thoughts - the constant thoughts about food and body - weren't universal or default. I'm not a crazy dieter - I live with the 10 pounds I put on in my 40s and feel pretty good/lucky overall (knock wood!). But I wake up in the morning already assessing whether I'm having a thin day or not a thin day, and just spend so much time aware of what my body feels like, what it looks like, what my body and I are doing together. I had never thought of that as being optional before. Now I wonder if I could break out of those thoughts - and how.

Anyway, I just wanted to say than you for that post because it's given me a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you women who just arrived on planet earth yesterday and don't realize men are more shallow and visually stimulated than women? Sure you love your husband more now that he helped you through various crises, that's great. Men don't work like that. Your husband will appreciate if you help him through a life crisis while he's banging his secretary. "Not MY husband, MY husband has integrity!!1" Uh-huh.

I think a lot of these women are lying to themselves.

As for men love is love and attraction is attraction.


I may love you but not really be physically attracted to you anymore or want to have sex with you I can admit this as a woman a lot of women can't.

I will tell you that, as a woman, this just doesn’t even compute to me. Loving someone and knowing that they love me back feels synonymous with finding them physically attractive. I would say that most women even feel this way about platonic relationships. I have met plenty of mothers who are completely blind to how ugly their children are.

The nature of my relationship with my husband is sexual, so this feeling of attraction extends to the bedroom. And I will tell you that when there are days or months or years that I don’t feel love or loved, then I don’t feel physically attracted to him, no matter what he looks like.

I just can’t relate to separating out loving someone and finding them beautiful.

Yeah and women have been conditioned to believe this bull. I'm s woman. Attraction fades and changes. You're absolutely lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Love and attraction are two different things which is why we don't usually end up marrying the first person we found hot and wanted to sleep with it's also why we usually don't divorce because someone goes bald but if you think but a hit body is a hot body and most people young or old want sex with a hot body.

I can tell you that I am not “conditioned to believe this.” If anything, what you call a “hot body” is the result of social conditioning.
I don’t know many mothers who would rather hug an objectively beautiful child than hug their own child. And I don’t know many wives who would rather have sex with a objectively hot stranger than have sex with their husbands.

Loving someone and feeling like you want to be physically affectionate with that person are part of the same feeling.