If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

[Anonymous]

In your place, if I lost all the weight my husband wanted me to lose and then he started acting really sweet and attracted to me, I’d feel like a trained dog and I doubt that would help my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commend your partner for being honest with you. It is most likely better for your health, isn't it? 40 pounds is not a little bit to lose, were you obese? I think maybe he didn't frame it well.... you want to feel appreciated for all your great qualities- your successful career, as a good Mother, friend, etc. and you feel like he is instead focused only on this superficial physical quality. Communication is so important in a relationship, have you tried talking to him about this and how you are feeling unappreciated for all the seemingly more important qualities you have? Losing weight and getting in shape takes time and effort, and if you are super busy with kids/home/career/community, it is an added burden to do it on a somewhat empty stomach and to exercise with already limited time. Does he realize what he is asking of you? Also, is this something you want for yourself, too, or is this entirely for him? Talk to him about all this so he sees your point of view before the resentment builds up too much and hurts your relationship.

No. I was never obese.
I don’t think that he realized what he was asking initially, but he does now. We now talk all of the time about how I feel unappreciated and my point of view on this. It’s gotten to be such a big part of what we talk about. I even find listening to myself annoying sometimes. And yes, this is entirely for him.
I wouldn’t say that the issue is that it’s difficult to live my life on an empty stomach. My issue is more that whenever I’m alone and my mind wanders, I almost always find myself thinking about my weight or DH looking at other women and comparing them to me, and it makes me want to cry. I used to have old memories of vacations or things I did in college or I would think about what I might want to do this summer or a book I recently read or what I might want for dinner or a sexy role play with DH. Now I think about this. I used to really like being with myself. Now, I find myself so annoying. I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks and loud music now in order to drown myself out.

I think this is part of the reason our sex life has gotten so bad and why this is affecting my work and my relationship with my kids. I don’t think about anything until I’m actually in the middle of doing it. I don’t have “aha, shower moments” anymore. This has been so consuming.

[Anonymous]

No. But my spouse didn’t ask me to lose weight. He seemed to comment on attractive actresses, singers, fitness levels of other women. His friends would comment that certain women were hardbodies.

I was 175 when I met DH. I gradually lost weight, and was 140 when we married two years later. I dieted and exercised myself to 130. It wasn’t fun. It was hard work. I was hungry and tired much of the time. The worst was that DH never commented on my body. He’d say you look nice, but nothing regarding his attraction to me.

This made me very resentful, and somewhat depressed. I felt like not matter how hard I tried he was always going to find younger, thinner, fitter women more attractive. He doesn’t say they are attractive to me overtly, but it comes up in conversation.

I am back up to 160. I am happier. I don’t feel like I’m trying to compete - I’ve taken myself out of the race. FWIW we have a great sex life and marriage. Removing the striving to be thin issue has let me just live and be me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your place, if I lost all the weight my husband wanted me to lose and then he started acting really sweet and attracted to me, I’d feel like a trained dog and I doubt that would help my marriage.

I hear you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The alternative, OP, was he didn't tell you, your sex life worsened, and he found excitement elsewhere. We can yell and fuss about how crappy that is, but I'm being realistic.

Good for you for pushing yourself to be a good partner to him, and hopefully he returns the favor.

OP here. This is kind of his thought as well. He says that he would never physically cheat, but that he finds himself looking at other women, and he doesn’t think he would do that if I lost weight.
Frankly, I think that sounds like BS. He was looking at other women when we were first dating, and I was very attractive. Other married men look at me all of the time. It’s normal, and it isn’t going away, and it isn’t my fault.

[Anonymous]

This is sad. I would feel like you do, OP. I honestly can't believe you're still having sex with him, I would find it really hard to have sex with someone who said they weren't attracted to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me sad.

I would be hurt and resentful if I were you also.

I suggest marriage counseling because it seems like you are feeling like your commitment to each other is not balanced.

Good luck.

OP here. This is true.

I’m not even sure what the end goal of counseling would be. Do I want to be less committed to my marriage and family? Do I want him to be more committed? Will the weight loss help with that?

I’m afraid that if I don’t lose the weight, then he will see me as not only fat, but also weak and unmotivated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commend your partner for being honest with you. It is most likely better for your health, isn't it? 40 pounds is not a little bit to lose, were you obese? I think maybe he didn't frame it well.... you want to feel appreciated for all your great qualities- your successful career, as a good Mother, friend, etc. and you feel like he is instead focused only on this superficial physical quality. Communication is so important in a relationship, have you tried talking to him about this and how you are feeling unappreciated for all the seemingly more important qualities you have? Losing weight and getting in shape takes time and effort, and if you are super busy with kids/home/career/community, it is an added burden to do it on a somewhat empty stomach and to exercise with already limited time. Does he realize what he is asking of you? Also, is this something you want for yourself, too, or is this entirely for him? Talk to him about all this so he sees your point of view before the resentment builds up too much and hurts your relationship.

No. I was never obese.
I don’t think that he realized what he was asking initially, but he does now. We now talk all of the time about how I feel unappreciated and my point of view on this. It’s gotten to be such a big part of what we talk about. I even find listening to myself annoying sometimes. And yes, this is entirely for him.
I wouldn’t say that the issue is that it’s difficult to live my life on an empty stomach. My issue is more that whenever I’m alone and my mind wanders, I almost always find myself thinking about my weight or DH looking at other women and comparing them to me, and it makes me want to cry. I used to have old memories of vacations or things I did in college or I would think about what I might want to do this summer or a book I recently read or what I might want for dinner or a sexy role play with DH. Now I think about this. I used to really like being with myself. Now, I find myself so annoying. I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks and loud music now in order to drown myself out.

I think this is part of the reason our sex life has gotten so bad and why this is affecting my work and my relationship with my kids. I don’t think about anything until I’m actually in the middle of doing it. I don’t have “aha, shower moments” anymore. This has been so consuming.

Jesus. This is 100% a YOU problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same weight as when I met my husband. Before meeting him, I was fat and never had any dates. Then I lost weight and had plenty of dates. So I realized earlier than most women that staying thin is very important for most men being attracted to you. I feel bad for women who are good hearted people but don’t understand this. Good luck OP.

I think some may feel badly for you as well, but for different reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. I would feel like you do, OP. I honestly can't believe you're still having sex with him, I would find it really hard to have sex with someone who said they weren't attracted to me.

Yes. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really feel like we have sex anymore. It’s more like we use each other to masturbate. It doesn’t take long and doesn’t feel very satisfying. I often forget that it even happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commend your partner for being honest with you. It is most likely better for your health, isn't it? 40 pounds is not a little bit to lose, were you obese? I think maybe he didn't frame it well.... you want to feel appreciated for all your great qualities- your successful career, as a good Mother, friend, etc. and you feel like he is instead focused only on this superficial physical quality. Communication is so important in a relationship, have you tried talking to him about this and how you are feeling unappreciated for all the seemingly more important qualities you have? Losing weight and getting in shape takes time and effort, and if you are super busy with kids/home/career/community, it is an added burden to do it on a somewhat empty stomach and to exercise with already limited time. Does he realize what he is asking of you? Also, is this something you want for yourself, too, or is this entirely for him? Talk to him about all this so he sees your point of view before the resentment builds up too much and hurts your relationship.

No. I was never obese.
I don’t think that he realized what he was asking initially, but he does now. We now talk all of the time about how I feel unappreciated and my point of view on this. It’s gotten to be such a big part of what we talk about. I even find listening to myself annoying sometimes. And yes, this is entirely for him.
I wouldn’t say that the issue is that it’s difficult to live my life on an empty stomach. My issue is more that whenever I’m alone and my mind wanders, I almost always find myself thinking about my weight or DH looking at other women and comparing them to me, and it makes me want to cry. I used to have old memories of vacations or things I did in college or I would think about what I might want to do this summer or a book I recently read or what I might want for dinner or a sexy role play with DH. Now I think about this. I used to really like being with myself. Now, I find myself so annoying. I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks and loud music now in order to drown myself out.

I think this is part of the reason our sex life has gotten so bad and why this is affecting my work and my relationship with my kids. I don’t think about anything until I’m actually in the middle of doing it. I don’t have “aha, shower moments” anymore. This has been so consuming.

Jesus. This is 100% a YOU problem.

What’s a YOU problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Since I have lost weight and found a new job, there have been a couple of very attractive younger women who have come on to me at work and confessed that they are attracted to me. They know I am married. I have kept my distance but avoiding the temptation is challenging. It is not easy for most guys to turn down sex from hot women. I am married, not dead.

You might want to think about the messages you are putting out if random women are telling you they are attracted to you. If you had boundaries in the first place and acted professionally without engaging in personal talk and flirting, this would not happen.

Are you serious? What a sexist comment. What if PP was a woman? Would you tell her to dress more conservatively so she doesn’t attract male attention? PP never said he was flirting or doing anything that would warrant these women to be attracted to him other than getting in shape.

This entire post is beyond sexist. Women are allowed to bring up a mans weight, money, height, etc., but a man can’t do it. Stop being childish babies and learn to take criticism since you have no problem giving it.