If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

All these women so upset that OPs husband said he was less attracted to her because of weight gain, are the same women who would have no issues telling their husband to lose weight if he needed to. Very hypocritical and sexist.

[Anonymous]

I told my husband to lose weight and he did it. He was starting to look older than what he was and couldn’t move as well as before.I do find him more attractive than before but that wasn’t the reason I told him to lose weight.

I think what was mean about your DH was saying he wasn’t attracted to you. It sounds like you needed to lose weight but he could have been more sensitive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me sad.

I would be hurt and resentful if I were you also.

I suggest marriage counseling because it seems like you are feeling like your commitment to each other is not balanced.

Good luck.

OP here. This is true.

I’m not even sure what the end goal of counseling would be. Do I want to be less committed to my marriage and family? Do I want him to be more committed? Will the weight loss help with that?

I’m afraid that if I don’t lose the weight, then he will see me as not only fat, but also weak and unmotivated.

NP, and I absolutely recommend couples therapy, having read your initial and subsequent posts. Think of therapy as necessary to resolve whatever underlying issues his request and your response have surfaced. Put another way: how does this problem get resolved without the help of a licensed professional? The current dynamic you describe sounds both miserable and completely understandable from your perspective. It also sounds like you have no idea how to resolve it (again, understandable, but all the more reason to seek help).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

So is the topic of his weight off the table too or are you just a hypothetical sexist woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

So is the topic of his weight off the table too or are you just a hypothetical sexist woman?

* hypocritical

[Anonymous]

I would very quickly lose about 175lbs and find a better spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would very quickly lose about 175lbs and find a better spouse

Damn you're huge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. I would feel like you do, OP. I honestly can't believe you're still having sex with him, I would find it really hard to have sex with someone who said they weren't attracted to me.

Yeah obviously OPs husband isn’t *that* unattracted to his spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very quickly lose about 175lbs and find a better spouse

Damn you're huge

Yup, 110lb soaking wet, but all that dead weight of a husband would come off real fast in a divorce if he thought he could behave like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternative, OP, was he didn't tell you, your sex life worsened, and he found excitement elsewhere. We can yell and fuss about how crappy that is, but I'm being realistic.

Good for you for pushing yourself to be a good partner to him, and hopefully he returns the favor.

OP here. This is kind of his thought as well. He says that he would never physically cheat, but that he finds himself looking at other women, and he doesn’t think he would do that if I lost weight.
Frankly, I think that sounds like BS. He was looking at other women when we were first dating, and I was very attractive. Other married men look at me all of the time. It’s normal, and it isn’t going away, and it isn’t my fault.

That’s not ok. He has to take responsibility for his own actions. The truth is you guys are both going to gold and less attractive at some point. If this is how he handles it I’d be worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

Did you ask him to make more $ saying you weren't attracted to what he provides?

Gross and dated analogy: men’s value is their earning potential and women’s is their body?
She said she is a successful professional.

Hello: it is 2022!

Sometimes men call women names when they fail at something or their egos are down and they want to bully someone. I wonder what brought on this comment after "a long time"? And yes, I read she is highly paid. I wanted to know what is going on with him before suggesting she rub in his face the men that want to sleep with her. Younger men don't want Twiggys they want Kardashians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

Losing weight is something almost anyone can change. If my DH got fat, I would tell him to lose weight, and that he needed to change how he treated his body. I like having sex with a slim, in-shape DH. I will never be having sex with DH if he got fat, it is just major turnoff for me. My DH knows that, and he takes care of himself accordingly. And I reciprocate by keeping myself in shape as well. If DH was just immutably ugly, well I would have known that going into the marriage. And I would only have myself to blame if I had married an ugly guy and then complained about his looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very quickly lose about 175lbs and find a better spouse

Damn you're huge

Yup, 110lb soaking wet, but all that dead weight of a husband would come off real fast in a divorce if he thought he could behave like that.

👏👏👏👏👏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

So is the topic of his weight off the table too or are you just a hypothetical sexist woman?

What do you think?