If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

Losing weight is something almost anyone can change. If my DH got fat, I would tell him to lose weight, and that he needed to change how he treated his body. I like having sex with a slim, in-shape DH. I will never be having sex with DH if he got fat, it is just major turnoff for me. My DH knows that, and he takes care of himself accordingly. And I reciprocate by keeping myself in shape as well. If DH was just immutably ugly, well I would have known that going into the marriage. And I would only have myself to blame if I had married an ugly guy and then complained about his looks.

You’re weird but to each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

His mistake was not being supportive of you. Your mistake was doing this for him and not for yourself. He sounds like an ass, not sure how to fix that. You need to get some self-confidence and live in a way that makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

OP I saw somebody specifically for relationship coaching and it worked beautifully. I would highly recommend individual therapy to figure out what you need in the relationship and how to ask for it. You can also look at dialectical behavioral therapy “interpersonal effectiveness” information online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very quickly lose about 175lbs and find a better spouse

Damn you're huge

Whoosh!

[Anonymous]

I lost 108 pounds in 16 months, from 262 to 154. My wife lost nearly 80 pounds.
We can now mutually enjoy physical pleasures which previously required consecutive actions instead of concurrent…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me sad.

I would be hurt and resentful if I were you also.

I suggest marriage counseling because it seems like you are feeling like your commitment to each other is not balanced.

Good luck.

OP here. This is true.

I’m not even sure what the end goal of counseling would be. Do I want to be less committed to my marriage and family? Do I want him to be more committed? Will the weight loss help with that?

I’m afraid that if I don’t lose the weight, then he will see me as not only fat, but also weak and unmotivated.

Unbalanced is a good word. What do you want, and he is going to put in the work (and intellectual and emotional labor) to elevate your life situation? This is really hard, painful stuff. He probably knows that. Is this an excuse to end the marriage, and he will just find another excuse once you have done this? Or is he willing to help out your happiness in exchange?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these women so upset that OPs husband said he was less attracted to her because of weight gain, are the same women who would have no issues telling their husband to lose weight if he needed to. Very hypocritical and sexist.

Why do you think that? I would never tell my husband he needed to lose weight to be attractive to me. That's a horrible thing to say

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t imagine telling this to my wife and mother of my children.

[Anonymous]

OP it might be helpful to separate what he is attracted to from who you are and what you need to do, if that makes sense.

Most people are partnered with somebody who is not their ideal. A woman might find her husband less attractive after he goes bald, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that he needs to go get plugs, it just means he is that much less attractive to her.

Most men have an ideal body type, the one they are *most* attracted to. That doesn’t mean they need that from their partners and it doesn’t mean that their partners have to conform to that body type.

It’s okay that he is less attracted to you than he was. It’s a bummer, but it’s okay. He is probably less attractive too. The important thing is love, respect, and a collaborative approach to problem solving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it might be helpful to separate what he is attracted to from who you are and what you need to do, if that makes sense.

Most people are partnered with somebody who is not their ideal. A woman might find her husband less attractive after he goes bald, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that he needs to go get plugs, it just means he is that much less attractive to her.

Most men have an ideal body type, the one they are *most* attracted to. That doesn’t mean they need that from their partners and it doesn’t mean that their partners have to conform to that body type.

It’s okay that he is less attracted to you than he was. It’s a bummer, but it’s okay. He is probably less attractive too. The important thing is love, respect, and a collaborative approach to problem solving.

Oh dear, I forgot to mention that your husband is an ass for telling you this in that way and it sounds like he has major issues. I honestly think he has some kind of insecurity and thinks that if he just had a hotter wife his life would be better. But even if you lose all the weight the problem won’t go away, so he’ll go looking for some other problem. Some guys get like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't it OK to be blunt with your spouse that their weight gain is unattractive? I think there is a large category of men who just let themselves go and their wives don't say anything. I would be pissed if my DH grew a beer gut, and I would tell him to lose the weight if he did.

Did nobody ever in your life teach you the value of tact and that the things you say and how you say them have an impact on people?

I value blunt honesty in my marriage over tact. My DH and I both directly tell each other what we want and we do our best to meet each other's needs. I find that system better than what happened in OP's marriage, where it looks like her husband just passive-aggressively sat around for years thinking his wife had become unattractive without telling her. I don't see anything wrong with OP's DH saying he wants her to lose 40lbs. I would have a problem if my DH found me unattractive because of weight gain but waited years to tell me so.

What if the blunt honesty was something like “you are a total dog and there is nothing you could do to change it and I’ll never be attracted to you again?” Some people genuinely think that about their partners, but I don’t think anybody would advise them to say it. Maybe you just love honestly but most people do better with saying things in a way that makes the other person stay feeling good about themselves.

Everybody is different but I’m of the opinion that my husband gets no say in my weight. If he really needs a thinner wife he can go find himself one.

I think the salary analogy is actually quite useful; women are told endlessly that their value lies in their beauty, especially in thinness. Men are conversely valued by their ability to provide. If you would find it very hurtful that your wife asked you to step up at work and make more money, then don’t hurt her by telling her she is unattractive to you.

[Anonymous]

I admire his honesty. To me it says he wants to be physically attracted to you. And no one is thrilled about sex with a partner who is 40 lbs overweight male or female.
You can go to counseling if you want to but I don't think that's your issue.
You think you're entitled to his unending attraction to you and that's just not realistic

[Anonymous]

Having my husband tell me I was no longer attractive to him with 40 extra pounds, even though I was a good person providing him with a very nice life, would be a big turnoff for me.

He would seem shallow and juvenile, and I don’t think I’d trust him that losing the 40lbs would change anything.

OP, do you still find your husband attractive after this? I couldn’t. He doesn’t sound like a real partner.

[Anonymous]

^ oh, and I’m sorry. No one deserves this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I admire his honesty. To me it says he wants to be physically attracted to you. And no one is thrilled about sex with a partner who is 40 lbs overweight male or female.
You can go to counseling if you want to but I don't think that's your issue.
You think you're entitled to his unending attraction to you and that's just not realistic

+1, 40lbs overweight is a lot for a spouse to tolerate and still be attracted to their partner.