If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

[Anonymous]

What helped my marriage was making it very clear to DH that he is free to be attracted to what he's attracted to, but he has no right to comment on my weight. Before getting married I did a lot of personal "work" to finally get happy with my body and all its ups and downs, and I learned that my body is literally who I am and nobody has the right to tell me what to do with it. That's my firm boundary.

I think my confidence with my body has sort of rubbed off on him and how he sees it. I know he is still more attracted to me when I lose weight, which is fine with me, but he always admires my body and more importantly respects it as mine.

What you are feeling OP is really exactly what I would predict you would feel in your situation. It makes total sense. I think that ideally you would have told him he doesn't get to comment on your body before you lost the weight, because then you would have been able to avoid the resentment you're feeling now, but it's difficult to do that when you want to please your husband, so I get it. But if I were you I'd seek personal counseling about how to move forward, both in your inner world and in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I tend to feel resentment when my relationship is unbalanced. Is there something your DH isn't doing that you would like him to? Maybe bring that up and ask him to make an improvement there.

Separately, I can't imagine how asking a partner to loose weight would be a positive conversation UNLESS it was a a health issue, like your partner lovingly said he wants a long, active life with you and please loose weight to be healthy.

[Anonymous]

Not really. There were still folds of loose skin-- the more weight you lose, the more skin is left. So to his surprise, I did not look 25 years old again. Shocking. He is still fat.

[Anonymous]

I think some of these replies would be very helpful if they listed height and weight currently, and maybe also weight when they met their spouse.

If someone met their spouse super thin, but I’d now slightly overweight, that’s one thing. But if someone met their spouse at a normal weight but is now obese, that’s a different matter.

[Anonymous]

I commend your partner for being honest with you. It is most likely better for your health, isn't it? 40 pounds is not a little bit to lose, were you obese? I think maybe he didn't frame it well.... you want to feel appreciated for all your great qualities- your successful career, as a good Mother, friend, etc. and you feel like he is instead focused only on this superficial physical quality. Communication is so important in a relationship, have you tried talking to him about this and how you are feeling unappreciated for all the seemingly more important qualities you have? Losing weight and getting in shape takes time and effort, and if you are super busy with kids/home/career/community, it is an added burden to do it on a somewhat empty stomach and to exercise with already limited time. Does he realize what he is asking of you? Also, is this something you want for yourself, too, or is this entirely for him? Talk to him about all this so he sees your point of view before the resentment builds up too much and hurts your relationship.

[Anonymous]

It helped my confidence, which boosted my sex drive, which helped my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

Did you ask him to make more $ saying you weren't attracted to what he provides?

[Anonymous]

I’m the same weight as when I met my husband. Before meeting him, I was fat and never had any dates. Then I lost weight and had plenty of dates. So I realized earlier than most women that staying thin is very important for most men being attracted to you. I feel bad for women who are good hearted people but don’t understand this. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I mean, my husband has lost most of his hair and we’re only in our 30s. Is thick wavy hair objectively more attractive? Yes. Would I be more attractive if I was at my pre baby weight? Yes. But you are right that we should see our spouses for the full package and not one personality or appearance trait. That’s how I see it and that’s what I hope DH sees. You should want to be healthy for you.

[Anonymous]

Yep actually. I just lost all the baby weight plus 10lbs and DH has changed drastically in the last 6 months He's really interested in my body and more helpful at home. I really did notice. There's likely more to it than my weight loss... I feel more attractive now so I dress better, clothes fit better and I think I have more energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same weight as when I met my husband. Before meeting him, I was fat and never had any dates. Then I lost weight and had plenty of dates. So I realized earlier than most women that staying thin is very important for most men being attracted to you. I feel bad for women who are good hearted people but don’t understand this. Good luck OP.

What a sh*tty post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really. There were still folds of loose skin-- the more weight you lose, the more skin is left. So to his surprise, I did not look 25 years old again. Shocking. He is still fat.

Loose skin firms up quick. After each baby when I lost the weight, I had loose skin. Then it firmed up and went away. Each time I had to lose an extra 5 lbs to make my body lose the loose skin. It's just a cycle when you lose weight that skin doesn't catch up as quickly. But yeah, you're never going to look 25 again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same weight as when I met my husband. Before meeting him, I was fat and never had any dates. Then I lost weight and had plenty of dates. So I realized earlier than most women that staying thin is very important for most men being attracted to you. I feel bad for women who are good hearted people but don’t understand this. Good luck OP.

What? Most women I know learned this in elementary school, and it’s why there’s such high rates of low self esteem, mental illness, eating disorders, and suicide attempts among teenage girls. You can’t go out in public without being bombarded with messages about what’s attractive.

The real issue is why do we place so much value on what men find attractive. Eat well and move your body to be healthy, not because some gross fat loser dude thinks women need to be a size 2.

[Anonymous]

My wife told me I was getting fat and that I needed to lose some weight. She also told me my weight gain lessened her attraction to me. So I lost 40 pounds and got really into fitness. No more dad bod. It improved our sex lives quite a bit. My wife gets a "Christmas morning" look on her face right before sex sometimes that did not happen when I was chubby. One side effect though is that I now get a lot more attention from other women, and it is challenging to reject temptation. So far so good though.