If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't DH bring this up before OP gained a full 40 pounds?

OP here.
I gained most of the the weight during my second pregnancy. After I had my daughter, DH had his own crisis, and I had to help him navigate through that, take care of the kids, and financially support the family since he couldn’t work. I didn’t lose any of the weight I gained while pregnant. Once he came out of his crisis, I got pregnant again with the intention of him being a SAHD. During my pregnancy, he found a dream job in the Midwest. He moved, and I had the baby, took maternity leave, then wrapped things up with closing down my practice, selling the house, and finding a job near DH. That took about a year. And again I didn’t lose all of the weight that I gained while pregnant.

Moving with three little kids was stressful. I didn’t like the new city, and I missed my support system. I wanted to move back. He didn’t. I thought about murdering him pretty regularly. To put it mildly, we did not have a marriage built on direct communication.

Over the next couple of years, things got a lot better between us. He settled in with the new job and wasn’t gone so much. I found a happy place with my job here. We made some friends. Kids got a little older. Our marriage and family life has been really stable and good and happy for the last couple of years. He also built up his career, and now he makes a lot more money than I do (about twice as much).

I think he brought it up now because
a) he expected that once all of the turmoil was over, I would lose the weight and I didn’t,
b) he has been thinking that since he makes more money, he “deserves” to have his wife look a certain way,
and c) because our marriage is stable enough that he felt that he could tell me anything.

So, that is how he didn’t say anything until a decade after I had gained most of the weight.

This is why the last 20 lbs didn't come off. Detroit is often/nearly the most obese city in the country. MI is the only state where weight discrimination is legal. For Midwest, only 20 lbs above pre-pregnancy is a toothpick there. You stayed with him when he couldn't work, but he can't stay with you over these measly 20 lbs? Unless you are 4'11", that is insane. You keep sacrificing to keep the fam together, but what has he done? Me thinks you wouldn't be posting if you were that happy--you sound like you've resigned/given up. He could have at least cooked a healthy variety of meals to support you. Along the Mississippi and West, the ratio is in your favor and you could do better. Start by hiring a gardener who looks at you lustfully at your current weight in front of your husband.

*illegal*

I know it’s hard for DCUMers to believe but not all of the Midwest is the same. Some parts of the Midwest have a lot of overweight and obese people, of course, but it really depends where you live. I used to live in the twin cities and it’s a place focused on health and fitness: many people there are thin and fit. I also used to live in the north shore suburbs of Chicago: also very thin and fit people. The Midwest is a region that encompasses many states and metropolitan areas. And hello over 2/3 of all Americans are considered overweight or obese! This is not a problem segregated by geographic region.

Anyway…I do agree that there seem to be much deeper issues in your relationship, OP. And that your DH doesn’t sound very thoughtful or loving. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can find a way to be happier again—with or without your DH.

[Anonymous]

I’m 5’2” and was 105 before marriage. Two kids later, I’m 118 and DH has told me multiple times that he’s no longer attracted to me and wants me to lose 10 pounds. I have no doubt he would be more attracted and would probably treat me better vs. treating my body like it’s disgusting, but I also don’t know if I can be attracted to him for making me feel this way for being what would be at a pretty normal weight for most people. I have healthy eating and exercise habits, and feel healthy so part of me thinks my body has just adjusted to be comfortable at this weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 5’2” and was 105 before marriage. Two kids later, I’m 118 and DH has told me multiple times that he’s no longer attracted to me and wants me to lose 10 pounds. I have no doubt he would be more attracted and would probably treat me better vs. treating my body like it’s disgusting, but I also don’t know if I can be attracted to him for making me feel this way for being what would be at a pretty normal weight for most people. I have healthy eating and exercise habits, and feel healthy so part of me thinks my body has just adjusted to be comfortable at this weight.

Yes. In this case, your DH is definitively an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 5’2” and was 105 before marriage. Two kids later, I’m 118 and DH has told me multiple times that he’s no longer attracted to me and wants me to lose 10 pounds. I have no doubt he would be more attracted and would probably treat me better vs. treating my body like it’s disgusting, but I also don’t know if I can be attracted to him for making me feel this way for being what would be at a pretty normal weight for most people. I have healthy eating and exercise habits, and feel healthy so part of me thinks my body has just adjusted to be comfortable at this weight.

5'2" 118 gets you treated badly like your body is disgusting? Your DH is scum with a mental sex disorder or an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

Do you do any strength training OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

Do you do any strength training OP?

I did some hit or miss before all of this. I was a college athlete, and have been coaching high school teams off and on over the last twenty years.
I have been doing strength training 2-3 days a week for the last three months as part of my weight loss routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

Do you do any strength training OP?

I did some hit or miss before all of this. I was a college athlete, and have been coaching high school teams off and on over the last twenty years.
I have been doing strength training 2-3 days a week for the last three months as part of my weight loss routine.

OP, if you’re still reading this thread, what are you hoping to hear that you haven’t already? That you’ll lose the weight and eventually stop being resentful and things will improve? They might, but that also sounds like pretty magical thinking, given everything else you’ve described going on in your marriage.

I think many women would struggle to have a spouse whom they needed to fully support for several years, who then moved to a new city while they were pregnant with their third (!) child, who expected them to go along with this massive life change, and then when they miraculously did all that *still wanted them to lose weight*.

Given all you describe you’ve given to and up for this marriage, I’d be a human flame-thrower by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me sad.

I would be hurt and resentful if I were you also.

I suggest marriage counseling because it seems like you are feeling like your commitment to each other is not balanced.

Good luck.

OP here. This is true.

I’m not even sure what the end goal of counseling would be. Do I want to be less committed to my marriage and family? Do I want him to be more committed? Will the weight loss help with that?

I’m afraid that if I don’t lose the weight, then he will see me as not only fat, but also weak and unmotivated.

Is he super fit or something?
Is exercise and looks a big part of his life?

Honestly, I’d be pissed if my husband asked me to lose weight and he wasn’t fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

Do you do any strength training OP?

I did some hit or miss before all of this. I was a college athlete, and have been coaching high school teams off and on over the last twenty years.
I have been doing strength training 2-3 days a week for the last three months as part of my weight loss routine.

OP, if you’re still reading this thread, what are you hoping to hear that you haven’t already? That you’ll lose the weight and eventually stop being resentful and things will improve? They might, but that also sounds like pretty magical thinking, given everything else you’ve described going on in your marriage.

I think many women would struggle to have a spouse whom they needed to fully support for several years, who then moved to a new city while they were pregnant with their third (!) child, who expected them to go along with this massive life change, and then when they miraculously did all that *still wanted them to lose weight*.

Given all you describe you’ve given to and up for this marriage, I’d be a human flame-thrower by now.

Haha! I am feeling a little like a human flame thrower right now.

I don’t know what I was looking for in this thread. I’m so embarrassed to talk about this to my friends or family. I think I just wanted to hear some other perspectives rather than just ruminating in my own mind. I really appreciate the responses. I feel a little less crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me sad.

I would be hurt and resentful if I were you also.

I suggest marriage counseling because it seems like you are feeling like your commitment to each other is not balanced.

Good luck.

OP here. This is true.

I’m not even sure what the end goal of counseling would be. Do I want to be less committed to my marriage and family? Do I want him to be more committed? Will the weight loss help with that?

I’m afraid that if I don’t lose the weight, then he will see me as not only fat, but also weak and unmotivated.

Is he super fit or something?
Is exercise and looks a big part of his life?

Honestly, I’d be pissed if my husband asked me to lose weight and he wasn’t fit.

He is one of those people that is sort of naturally fit and muscular. One of our sons is like this too, and I know for sure that he doesn’t do anything, so I’m pretty sure that it’s genetic.
DH does what most of us do. He tries to eat healthy most of the time, but not always. He goes through spurts where he works out a few times a week for a few months and then stops for a few months. This leaves him pretty slim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

Do you do any strength training OP?

I did some hit or miss before all of this. I was a college athlete, and have been coaching high school teams off and on over the last twenty years.
I have been doing strength training 2-3 days a week for the last three months as part of my weight loss routine.

OP, if you’re still reading this thread, what are you hoping to hear that you haven’t already? That you’ll lose the weight and eventually stop being resentful and things will improve? They might, but that also sounds like pretty magical thinking, given everything else you’ve described going on in your marriage.

I think many women would struggle to have a spouse whom they needed to fully support for several years, who then moved to a new city while they were pregnant with their third (!) child, who expected them to go along with this massive life change, and then when they miraculously did all that *still wanted them to lose weight*.

Given all you describe you’ve given to and up for this marriage, I’d be a human flame-thrower by now.

Haha! I am feeling a little like a human flame thrower right now.

I don’t know what I was looking for in this thread. I’m so embarrassed to talk about this to my friends or family. I think I just wanted to hear some other perspectives rather than just ruminating in my own mind. I really appreciate the responses. I feel a little less crazy.

You’re not crazy, OP. I’m still trying to reconcile that you used to plan role plays to have with your DH and he *still* asked you to lose weight. I don’t blame you for ruminating about it.

I still think therapy would be helpful, at least individual for you, if not couples (yet). Hang in there. You sound like a good person and, frankly, a better partner than your DH deserves right now.

[Anonymous]

^^just saw that he’s one of those naturally thin people, which pisses me off even more on your behalf. People like that, especially men, have zero clue what it’s like to gain unwanted weight and the impact that it has when someone criticizes your weight. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^just saw that he’s one of those naturally thin people, which pisses me off even more on your behalf. People like that, especially men, have zero clue what it’s like to gain unwanted weight and the impact that it has when someone criticizes your weight. Ugh.

Lol…right?

I’m pretty sure that he thinks that most of us would look like he does with minimal effort, but we are secretly hiding blocks of velveeta cheese in our nightstands .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 15 years asked me to lose weight. He said that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been in a long time. We have three kids. I put on most of the weight while I was carrying my middle child and some other life things were going on at the same time. But my youngest is in first grade now, so, while I put it on during pregnancy, it’s hard to claim that it’s baby weight.

Even still, I’m angry that he even asked. I have gone through a lot with him and done a lot for him. I am a fairly highly paid professional, a good mom, a good partner and friend to him, and a creative and fun sexual partner. Why can’t he overlook this one thing?

So, I look at articles about weight loss and marriage, and I see that marriages improve, and people feel sexier and more confident. But it’s been about three months, I have lost 20 of the 40lbs that he asked me to lose, and all I really feel is irritated and resentful. And our sex life, like my daily meals, has stopped being a source of pleasure (and fantasy), and is now boring and monotonous at best.

Did anyone else experience this dip initially? Did it eventually get better?

Do you do any strength training OP?

I did some hit or miss before all of this. I was a college athlete, and have been coaching high school teams off and on over the last twenty years.
I have been doing strength training 2-3 days a week for the last three months as part of my weight loss routine.

OP, if you’re still reading this thread, what are you hoping to hear that you haven’t already? That you’ll lose the weight and eventually stop being resentful and things will improve? They might, but that also sounds like pretty magical thinking, given everything else you’ve described going on in your marriage.

I think many women would struggle to have a spouse whom they needed to fully support for several years, who then moved to a new city while they were pregnant with their third (!) child, who expected them to go along with this massive life change, and then when they miraculously did all that *still wanted them to lose weight*.

Given all you describe you’ve given to and up for this marriage, I’d be a human flame-thrower by now.

Haha! I am feeling a little like a human flame thrower right now.

I don’t know what I was looking for in this thread. I’m so embarrassed to talk about this to my friends or family. I think I just wanted to hear some other perspectives rather than just ruminating in my own mind. I really appreciate the responses. I feel a little less crazy.

You’re not crazy, OP. I’m still trying to reconcile that you used to plan role plays to have with your DH and he *still* asked you to lose weight. I don’t blame you for ruminating about it.

I still think therapy would be helpful, at least individual for you, if not couples (yet). Hang in there. You sound like a good person and, frankly, a better partner than your DH deserves right now.

Thanks. I’m thinking about it.

I do think that someone pointed out that I sound kind of naïve about how important weight is to men, and that’s probably true.

[Anonymous]

You need to be kind but extremely direct about your views and how he made you feel. Be honest and don’t back down. Not fair for you to carry this burden, and his request has really downgraded your relationship, mental peace, and quality of life. He needs to think about that very clearly, and never treat you this way again so casually.

And about you: why did you care so much? Do you feel the need to prove you are superwoman to yourself and everyone else?

No more superwoman. Be honest, be direct, stand your ground.

Wishing you both the best of luck.