Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are.

Wait till you have kids. Oh wait, being such a cruel loser, you will never find a spouse to procreate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One thing she told me. After one if our marathon conversations, where I apologized for my shortcomings, I asked her if as a child she felt loved by us. She looked puzzled and said of course. Then she said that just because she was loved that doesn't negate or help anything. O didn't mean that it makes everything ok
But I told her that if she felt loved then that was one major silver lining in her childhood. She seemed dismissive.

Such arrogance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One thing she told me. After one if our marathon conversations, where I apologized for my shortcomings, I asked her if as a child she felt loved by us. She looked puzzled and said of course. Then she said that just because she was loved that doesn't negate or help anything. O didn't mean that it makes everything ok
But I told her that if she felt loved then that was one major silver lining in her childhood. She seemed dismissive.

If I were you, OP, I would back away a bit from your DD. Do not give in to these long conversations with her, which clearly simply reinforce what she's learning from her counselor. She sounds like a narcissist, to be honest. I think you need to move on with your life, and help her move on with hers. Treat her as an adult, even though she's clearly not fully grown up. Does she have a job? A career path? How will she pay for her new apartment? What's she going to live on? You can't keep supporting her if she cuts off all contact with you. It sounds like a weird threat. I'd ignore it. Just pretend it's a phase she's going through, which it likely is. She's settling into it because it gets her attention. Give her your attention in other ways. She may move on, and you should too. I find my kids make huge pronouncements, and later forget about them and move in another direction. That's because they are teenagers who don't really know who they are yet. Just ride with it, and keep your self-esteem intact. She'll get through this. I think she may need a better therapist though.

OP here . This has been v helpful. Daughter lives at home rent free and doesn't pay for food. But she just graduated a year ago and started working full time benefits etc 3 months ago. She pays her own health insurance under her, car insurance, cell. She said prior to going to therapy she thought her childhood was relatively good. But therapy has woken her up to the trauma and dysfunction. I was shocked when she says she wanted to save me and have me divorce dad and get away from generational trauma. She realized she can't save me so that's why she has to cut us all off. We did buy her a brand new car four years ago. Prior to her talking full estrangement, we had offered to help her with a downpayment to a little place. She has saved some money too toward downpayment. When she recently started talking estrangement my husband told me he did not want to give her any money toward her launch so to speak. We were only talking 8-10k. She's saved about 8k which I think is good for a 23 year old. I told him imo that we should still give her the money, no strings attached and kiss her goodbye and let her blaze her own path. I don't believe in constantly supporting financially though. Unless something extreme happens. She is working ft, has been funding a Roth IRA, no credit card debt, no car loan (thanks to us.). I do think her therapist is damaging. But I also see that my daughter has skewed perspective imo. Ex:. She and I were having a discussion and I asked her if she could empty DW. She did grudgingly so but she told me I had snapped at her to empty DW. I truly hadn't. But that is her perception. I was there once when she was having a discussion with dad. They were going back and forth about something in discussing. She then told him to stop telling at her. He truly was not yelling. She is very hypersensitive with us. I don't know what that means. But if I tell her otherwise she tells me I'm negating the trauma and gaslighting. I do think she's very self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem pretty self absorbed and full of drama to post here, assuming this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One thing she told me. After one if our marathon conversations, where I apologized for my shortcomings, I asked her if as a child she felt loved by us. She looked puzzled and said of course. Then she said that just because she was loved that doesn't negate or help anything. O didn't mean that it makes everything ok
But I told her that if she felt loved then that was one major silver lining in her childhood. She seemed dismissive.

If I were you, OP, I would back away a bit from your DD. Do not give in to these long conversations with her, which clearly simply reinforce what she's learning from her counselor. She sounds like a narcissist, to be honest. I think you need to move on with your life, and help her move on with hers. Treat her as an adult, even though she's clearly not fully grown up. Does she have a job? A career path? How will she pay for her new apartment? What's she going to live on? You can't keep supporting her if she cuts off all contact with you. It sounds like a weird threat. I'd ignore it. Just pretend it's a phase she's going through, which it likely is. She's settling into it because it gets her attention. Give her your attention in other ways. She may move on, and you should too. I find my kids make huge pronouncements, and later forget about them and move in another direction. That's because they are teenagers who don't really know who they are yet. Just ride with it, and keep your self-esteem intact. She'll get through this. I think she may need a better therapist though.

OP here . This has been v helpful. Daughter lives at home rent free and doesn't pay for food. But she just graduated a year ago and started working full time benefits etc 3 months ago. She pays her own health insurance under her, car insurance, cell. She said prior to going to therapy she thought her childhood was relatively good. But therapy has woken her up to the trauma and dysfunction. I was shocked when she says she wanted to save me and have me divorce dad and get away from generational trauma. She realized she can't save me so that's why she has to cut us all off. We did buy her a brand new car four years ago. Prior to her talking full estrangement, we had offered to help her with a downpayment to a little place. She has saved some money too toward downpayment. When she recently started talking estrangement my husband told me he did not want to give her any money toward her launch so to speak. We were only talking 8-10k. She's saved about 8k which I think is good for a 23 year old. I told him imo that we should still give her the money, no strings attached and kiss her goodbye and let her blaze her own path. I don't believe in constantly supporting financially though. Unless something extreme happens. She is working ft, has been funding a Roth IRA, no credit card debt, no car loan (thanks to us.). I do think her therapist is damaging. But I also see that my daughter has skewed perspective imo. Ex:. She and I were having a discussion and I asked her if she could empty DW. She did grudgingly so but she told me I had snapped at her to empty DW. I truly hadn't. But that is her perception. I was there once when she was having a discussion with dad. They were going back and forth about something in discussing. She then told him to stop telling at her. He truly was not yelling. She is very hypersensitive with us. I don't know what that means. But if I tell her otherwise she tells me I'm negating the trauma and gaslighting. I do think she's very self absorbed.

This post seems off and I think you are leaving this out and trying to get everyone to give you the response you want. I also think you are trying to scapegoat the therapist here using some made-up idea in your head of what therapy is because you would never go. Also, the obsessive detail you give about finances is a bit much and I suspect you equate love with money to some degree. You can stop helping her financially, but I suggest you take that money and put it toward your own therapy and be totally honest with your therapist. Your story smells very fishy. You can skew things and get a whole army of angry people telling you she is garbage, but if you actually care about a relationship with your daughter and your daughter's mental health then you need to start being fully honest.

[Anonymous]

Is this YOU OP? The writing style is soooo similar.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1016210.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most therapists are toxic, OP. Truly. I hear of so many stories like this. In the past, these young adults would be told by friends and relatives to snap out of it, and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nowadays, their therapists and friends egg them on without any regard for perspective or proportional response.

In my 20s, I deeply resented my mother, for having smothered me as a child and forced me into seclusion (she guilted me into it because she is handicapped and did not want to be alone in the house). But despite a legitimate grievance, I got over it, and I understand that her chronic disability affected her social life and pushed her into a very controlling and unhealthy sort of parenting. She loves me very much, and I forgive her.

There's nothing you can do except wait for her to come to her sense. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Most therapists are toxic? You are part of the abusive cycle. Telling people just to snap out of abuse is horrible advice. People like you allow the Jerry Sanduskys of the world to proliferate. It's inconvenient for YOU for the person to be dealing with their issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are.

np pp This is so unnecessary and quite cruel. Please go away since you have nothing to offer and are quite mean. No one is perfect because we are all imperfect humans trying to do the best that we can ( not including the real "bad" parents who are drug addicts etc who were also raised by imperfect people too)

It isn't cruel. The op is though. I don't believe her one sided analysis at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One thing she told me. After one if our marathon conversations, where I apologized for my shortcomings, I asked her if as a child she felt loved by us. She looked puzzled and said of course. Then she said that just because she was loved that doesn't negate or help anything. O didn't mean that it makes everything ok
But I told her that if she felt loved then that was one major silver lining in her childhood. She seemed dismissive.

I'm just curious about your views op. Do you and your child disagree on religion and politics?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

OP my daughter lives til tok and has told me that the generational trauma etc and things she is facing, that tons of people her age are going through this crisis. She's sent me tik toks that echo these sentiments. It becomes an echo chamber.

Yup. They are all convinced and convincing each other that they've been horribly damaged by their parents.

Who do they think is going to save them?

The reality is they have been coddled and can't handle trauma.

They are going to save each other through TikTok, of course. And therapists are making bank. And it's not necessarily coddling that does it. I have literally heard young adults saying their parents made them clean their rooms because "they were narcissists and the appearance of the house was more important than my needs." Any parenting they don't agree with is "toxic" and has left them damaged.

Omg. OP here. That was one of her complaints to me that I made her clean her room once a week. Not mommy dearest clean. Just pickup. I stopped making her clean her room by the time she was 15. But she told me that was me not respecting her childhood boundaries. I was shocked. By the way she's always cleaning her to herself now. Go figure.

I once had a young person tell me that her parents asking where she was going when she left the house (she's 16) was "denying her agency."

WTH????

How woke and progressive.

I knew it. You're a bunch of maga hatted fools who are upset your kids are rejecting your qanon crap. GTFOOH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

Same. My 35 yr old sibling did this recently. it's been really hard, especially on my Mom. this was an interesting read on the estrangement trend. parents aren't perfect, no one is but sometimes I feel like estrangement as the only resort has gotten out of hand.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/why-parents-and-kids-get-estranged/617612/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

Same. My 35 yr old sibling did this recently. it's been really hard, especially on my Mom. this was an interesting read on the estrangement trend. parents aren't perfect, no one is but sometimes I feel like estrangement as the only resort has gotten out of hand.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/why-parents-and-kids-get-estranged/617612/

Actions have consequences magahat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

OP my daughter lives til tok and has told me that the generational trauma etc and things she is facing, that tons of people her age are going through this crisis. She's sent me tik toks that echo these sentiments. It becomes an echo chamber.

Yup. They are all convinced and convincing each other that they've been horribly damaged by their parents.

Who do they think is going to save them?

The reality is they have been coddled and can't handle trauma.

They are going to save each other through TikTok, of course. And therapists are making bank. And it's not necessarily coddling that does it. I have literally heard young adults saying their parents made them clean their rooms because "they were narcissists and the appearance of the house was more important than my needs." Any parenting they don't agree with is "toxic" and has left them damaged.

Omg. OP here. That was one of her complaints to me that I made her clean her room once a week. Not mommy dearest clean. Just pickup. I stopped making her clean her room by the time she was 15. But she told me that was me not respecting her childhood boundaries. I was shocked. By the way she's always cleaning her to herself now. Go figure.

I once had a young person tell me that her parents asking where she was going when she left the house (she's 16) was "denying her agency."

WTH????

How woke and progressive.

I knew it. You're a bunch of maga hatted fools who are upset your kids are rejecting your qanon crap. GTFOOH

Everyone’s a victim PP, pick something, demonize it, join in, just like mass media tells you to. The rest of the world must be LTAO at USA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem pretty self absorbed and full of drama to post here, assuming this is real.

Right? Op, don’t you have friends or a sister or your own therapist to process this with? Can’t you talk to your DH? I would be very upset if my mom were posting things about me like this on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this YOU OP? The writing style is soooo similar.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1016210.page

I think this poster is sock puppeting herself.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1016210.page

Just confirmed, it appears to be same poster as per admin.