Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

^same here. It takes a lifetime to understand your own parents and during that time you hopefully become more forgiving of their flaws.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's time to change the terms of the family trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

I don't. I'm simply saying that parents asking children to do things they should be capable of is not being abusive.

[Anonymous]

Would she consider getting a second opinion from another therapist before doing this cut off method? Just like we get second opinions from medical doctors, so should we consider it when doing a drastic life change under the advice of a therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound defensive and it will make things worse. we all make mistakes as parents. If you are willing to own them, listen to her and work through things there is more hope of de-escalating. if you gaslight her, get defensive and bash her therapist, you will make things worse. I do agree it's fine not offer any financial help, but beyond that you may want to keep the door open and really be open to feedback so you can mend this. I understand she isn't perfect either, but the overall impression of your post is that you are not very self-reflective.

Also, you would be better off getting your own therapy than posting here. It is likely triggering a lot of people with their own estrangements. Sure you need support, but people trying to convince you therapy is toxic and your daughter is crazy will not help you mend fences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time to change the terms of the family trust.

I fully agree. And wills.

Adult children have the absolute right to cut off parents they think are toxic. Well, the reverse is also true.

Parents have the absolute right to cut off adult children. This includes any and all financial consideration and inheritance.

OP should let her daughter know that since she has chosen to become estranged, which is entirely her right, OP now feels traumatized and considers her daughter's behavior abusive and cruel.

OP can respect daughter's decision and daughter should respect parents' decision that they no longer want to have any contact with her.

Sometimes people need to firmly shut and lock a swinging door to keep them from repeatedly getting hit in the a$$.

[Anonymous]

Are you the parent who posted a few months ago. I think you said you were part south Asian and this thinking is foreign to you. You were concerned your daughter is into "angel numbers."

I don't think it will help you to have an echo chamber of people saying to turn it back on her, say she's abusive and make sure she knows she is out of your will. Is she taking a break or saying she will never speak to you again? You don't need to give her money, but if you want to have a relationship you need to get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All my siblings went through this with our parents and went anywhere from months to years without speaking to them as we sorted everything out.

Parent A put the blame on us - we were spoiled and fragile, our childhoods weren’t that bad, how dare we be ungrateful brats, we were causing irreparable damage by cutting parent off, there would be consequences.

Parent B was completely understanding, let us know they would always be there when we were ready, never pressured us, and even sent us money when needed. They’d reach out every so often to reassure us we were still loved and they were always willing to talk.

Years later, we all have a very close relationship with Parent B and almost no relationship with Parent A. I haven’t spoken to A in over 2 years, and from what a hear, A still continues to harass siblings over being “bad children”. B has been our rock through the years and is the foundation of our family.

Just to give you some perspective. You gotta choose whether you want to win the battle or win the war. Think long game.

Finally a poster with some good advice. This is a useful story for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

I don't. I'm simply saying that parents asking children to do things they should be capable of is not being abusive.

Do you really think people are cutting off family members because parents occasionally asked them to keep their room tidy?

[Anonymous]

OP was the alcoholic grandma your mom? Whoever was parented by her likely has things to work through in therapy. Has that happened? It’s very hard to parent when you had no example or a bad example.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who has done this-the sibling of a dear friend and I spent a lot of time with them growing up. Of course it’s hard to tell from the outside but my impression knowing them for years was normal, not perfect family but no abuse, no red flags. Three of four kids have typical parents child relationship with them as adults and the fourth is estranged I know parents can treat different children differently however I will say her complaints are literally along the lines of “you let me quit ice-skating after a couple of years and I wish I had stuck with it!”)this is in the context of sibling fervently wanting to quit ice-skating.) And “other people’s dads took them on fishing trips but you never did and I got invited fishing as a 20 year old and didn’t know how!” What’s more, the sibling is also semi-estranged from my friend the other siblings for similar complaints. “You were kind of nerdy and so when I started high school the year after you at first people thought I would be nerdy too!”

It may sound like I’m making fun of the estranged sibling because the complaints are so absurd but I actually think it’s sn indication of serious mental illness. They are OBSESSED with typical childhood beefs like this and cannot stop thinking about them. It’s heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Search “traumatok” on TikTok to see how pervasive this is. Then do not be surprised when your kids do it.

So gender dysphoria and parent instigated trauma are the new cool trends for the schools, therapists, and social media?

#UMCWhitePrivilege

Am so glad we’re not white. Totally different perspective on this BS. Oh and we go to church sometimes (gasp!).

I don’t think church is what’s helping. Plenty of kids claim to have been “traumatized” by parents making them go to church. I do think you are in to something with white and middle class. There isn’t enough real strife in their life so they imagine it to seem relatable/interesting.

Np. Real point was probably that most people don’t go to church any longer and have no universal values or biblical stories of strife to latch on to. Jewish people are quite adamant about their Hebrew school, camps, mitzvahs. Curious if they have all this manufacture angst. Seems not, their kids are focusing on their school work, activities, family and future.

Sure but they are culturally and historically also very family focused and child centric, it’s the paramount value. That has to help.

Yes that’s excellent. Other cultures have strong family values too. Do not get swept up in internet psych trends. Ride above it.