Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

I used to think if a parent was estranged from adult kids it was definitely BC the parent was the bad guy so to speak. But now my young adult daughter is going this direction.

She struggled with some depression in HS, but resisted therapy. She was generally well functioning with friends good grades etc. She went to uni and graduated a year ago. She is now a young adult working in the real world. He worked through hs, college and kept jobs for a long time (over a year.). Employers, teachers etc always liked her. In current job she seems to be doing well. Dating a little, a couple close friends etc

She finally wanted to go to counseling a year ago, which we thought was great. She likes his counselor a lot and they have been dredging up and analyzing childhood. Childhood was normal. Bedtime stories, family trips, music lessons, private school, family dinner at night, parents who got along well.

Her grandmother was an alcoholic who died years ago. Growing up we had a limited relationship with Grandma BC and my kids only saw her with us there, when she was sober. My adult kids aunts and uncles, half of them are nice normal people but half of them (2), who were the product of an alcoholic family are toxic bitter people who we generally avoid but just see once a year at family weddings etc.

In analyzing her childhood she has determined that she needs to set healthyboundaries and will be cutting her off from everyone in the next few months. I got confused and asked her if she meant everyone incl the good kind family members. She says yes. She also said she'll be cutting herself off completely from us as we are part of the problem by association. She can't seem to compartmentalize people. Her therapist is apparently in support of healthy boundaries. I should add that daughter lives at home and us getting ready to move out, which we thought was great and we offered to help with security or downpayment. She's talked about cutting ties with everyone and she is bitter that she was born into a family with some dysfunction. She says she was born into the wrong family anyway. Whole she says all this she's upset and angry and thinks everyone else has perfect families.

I was so shocked but said I support her choices for boundaries and although it makes me very sad, this is her adult decision and door is always open, and we love her.

She legit will go through with this and I am rather devastated. What are your thoughts? It seems pretty extreme to me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are.

OP. We were definitely not perfect parents and made mistakes. But we weren't terrible parents.

[Anonymous]

My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

[Anonymous]

That’s all you can do. We love you and the door is always open. Cut off the $$ too. She can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s all you can do. We love you and the door is always open. Cut off the $$ too. She can’t have it both ways.

Agree with cutting her off. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. This generation is ridiculously self-absorbed and entitled.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I actually think she may be struggling with some significant mental health issues-depression causing her to be highly irritable, perhaps there’s some trauma you aren’t aware of, or, heaven forbid, prodromal schizophrenia. It’s normal to re-eval childhood experiences as a young adult and at the beginning of therapy however what you are describing is not typical, assuming your description is broadly true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

FWIW.
I'm this PP. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I see how much pain my parents are in without her in their lives. As a mother of young children, I know I would be heart broken if one of mine did this to me one day. FWIW, I also believe my sister's therapist (from what she tells me anyway) is hung up on exploring her past/childhood to the detriment of dealing with what she needs right now.

[Anonymous]

This is why most therapists are toxic, OP. Truly. I hear of so many stories like this. In the past, these young adults would be told by friends and relatives to snap out of it, and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nowadays, their therapists and friends egg them on without any regard for perspective or proportional response.

In my 20s, I deeply resented my mother, for having smothered me as a child and forced me into seclusion (she guilted me into it because she is handicapped and did not want to be alone in the house). But despite a legitimate grievance, I got over it, and I understand that her chronic disability affected her social life and pushed her into a very controlling and unhealthy sort of parenting. She loves me very much, and I forgive her.

There's nothing you can do except wait for her to come to her sense. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most therapists are toxic, OP. Truly. I hear of so many stories like this. In the past, these young adults would be told by friends and relatives to snap out of it, and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nowadays, their therapists and friends egg them on without any regard for perspective or proportional response.

In my 20s, I deeply resented my mother, for having smothered me as a child and forced me into seclusion (she guilted me into it because she is handicapped and did not want to be alone in the house). But despite a legitimate grievance, I got over it, and I understand that her chronic disability affected her social life and pushed her into a very controlling and unhealthy sort of parenting. She loves me very much, and I forgive her.

There's nothing you can do except wait for her to come to her sense. I'm sorry you're going through this.

OP here. Very interesting. I also went through a difficult period with my mother, when I was in my 20s. As a child and teenager she parentified me, confided in me like I was her friend Vs daughter, and tried to turn me against my dad. In my 20s I started taking more control and shutting this type of talk down and not responding. Although our relationship wasn't always easy, I love her, she tried her best, and at the end if the day I know she lived me. I never cut her off. But when I would tell my adult daughter things my mother used to do (what I just described) my daughter told me she doesn't understand how I couldn't cut my mother off completely. My young adult daughter is very black and white and I think this is also part of the issue. She had very low tolerances when it comes to family relationships. She is also type A and likes order and predictable life. Not to the point of excessively. But I do see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are.

OP. We were definitely not perfect parents and made mistakes. But we weren't terrible parents.

You sound like my parents and as I became an a adult they became much worse but really were just ok parents at best. They'd say like you that they were pretty good parents when they missed a lot of things even when I told them. Now they are pretty nasty and verbally abusive and I don't need anything from them, they don't offer anything so what is the point of the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why most therapists are toxic, OP. Truly. I hear of so many stories like this. In the past, these young adults would be told by friends and relatives to snap out of it, and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nowadays, their therapists and friends egg them on without any regard for perspective or proportional response.

In my 20s, I deeply resented my mother, for having smothered me as a child and forced me into seclusion (she guilted me into it because she is handicapped and did not want to be alone in the house). But despite a legitimate grievance, I got over it, and I understand that her chronic disability affected her social life and pushed her into a very controlling and unhealthy sort of parenting. She loves me very much, and I forgive her.

There's nothing you can do except wait for her to come to her sense. I'm sorry you're going through this.

OP here. Very interesting. I also went through a difficult period with my mother, when I was in my 20s. As a child and teenager she parentified me, confided in me like I was her friend Vs daughter, and tried to turn me against my dad. In my 20s I started taking more control and shutting this type of talk down and not responding. Although our relationship wasn't always easy, I love her, she tried her best, and at the end if the day I know she lived me. I never cut her off. But when I would tell my adult daughter things my mother used to do (what I just described) my daughter told me she doesn't understand how I couldn't cut my mother off completely. My young adult daughter is very black and white and I think this is also part of the issue. She had very low tolerances when it comes to family relationships. She is also type A and likes order and predictable life. Not to the point of excessively. But I do see it.

You sound pretty judgmental and probably scape goat her for everything and there is a reason she feels this way.

Instead of making these comments, you should be listening to her, and fixing the behavior/actions that cause her stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

FWIW.
I'm this PP. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I see how much pain my parents are in without her in their lives. As a mother of young children, I know I would be heart broken if one of mine did this to me one day. FWIW, I also believe my sister's therapist (from what she tells me anyway) is hung up on exploring her past/childhood to the detriment of dealing with what she needs right now.

My sister is just as much or more the problem than my parents. Maybe the three of you are petty horrible to your sister and she's had enough. The most freeing thing I did was remove myself from them.

[Anonymous]

If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.