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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. One thing she told me.  After one if our marathon conversations, where I apologized for my shortcomings, I asked her if as a child she felt loved by us. She looked puzzled and said of course.  Then she said that just because she was loved that doesn't negate or help anything.  O didn't mean that it makes everything ok
  But I told her that if she felt loved then that was one major silver lining in her childhood.  She seemed dismissive.[/quote]

If I were you, OP, I would back away a bit from your DD. Do not give in to these long conversations with her, which clearly simply reinforce what she's learning from her counselor. She sounds like a narcissist, to be honest. I think you need to move on with your life, and help her move on with hers. Treat her as an adult, even though she's clearly not fully grown up. Does she have a job? A career path? How will she pay for her new apartment? What's she going to live on? You can't keep supporting her if she cuts off all contact with you. It sounds like a weird threat. I'd ignore it. Just pretend it's a phase she's going through, which it likely is. She's settling into it because it gets her attention. Give her your attention in other ways. She may move on, and you should too. I find my kids make huge pronouncements, and later forget about them and move in another direction. That's because they are teenagers who don't really know who they are yet. Just ride with it, and keep your self-esteem intact. She'll get through this. I think she may need a better therapist though. [/quote]

OP here . This has been v helpful.  Daughter lives at home rent free and doesn't pay for food.  But she just graduated a year ago and started working full time benefits etc 3 months ago.  She pays her own health insurance under her, car insurance, cell. She said prior to going to therapy she thought her childhood was relatively good.  But therapy has woken her up to the trauma and dysfunction.  I was shocked when she says she wanted to save me and have me divorce dad and get away from generational trauma.  She realized she can't save me so that's why she has to cut us all off.  We did buy her a brand new car four years ago.  Prior to her talking full estrangement, we had offered to help her with a downpayment to a little place.  She has saved some money too toward downpayment.  When she recently started talking estrangement my husband told me he did not want to give her any  money toward her launch so to speak.  We were only talking 8-10k.  She's saved about 8k which I think is good for a 23 year old.  I told him imo that we should still give her the money, no strings attached and kiss her goodbye and let her blaze her own path.  I don't believe in constantly supporting financially though.  Unless something extreme happens. She is working ft, has been funding a Roth IRA, no credit card debt, no car loan (thanks to us.). I do think her therapist is damaging.  But I also see that my daughter has skewed perspective imo.  Ex:. She and I were having a discussion and I asked her if she could empty DW.  She did grudgingly so but she told me I had snapped at her to empty DW.  I truly hadn't.  But that is her perception.  I was there once when she was having a discussion with dad.  They were going back and forth about something in discussing.  She then told him to stop telling at her.  He truly was not yelling.  She is very hypersensitive with us.  I don't know what that means.  But if I tell her otherwise she tells me I'm negating the trauma and gaslighting.  I do think she's very self absorbed.

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This post seems off and I think you are leaving this out and trying to get everyone to give you the response you want. I also think you are trying to scapegoat the therapist here using some made-up idea in your head of what therapy is because you would never go. Also, the obsessive detail you give about finances is a bit much and I suspect you equate love with money to some degree. You can stop helping her financially, but I suggest you take that money and put it toward your own therapy and be totally honest with your therapist. Your story smells very fishy. You can skew things and get a whole army of angry people telling you she is garbage, but if you actually care about a relationship with your daughter and your daughter's mental health then you need to start being fully honest. [/quote]

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