Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

This.

Massively F’d up. No respect. Under-developed brains and hormone changes and they’re told by trendy schools and internet influencers to cut off their parents if they don’t get what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that this term “generational trauma” is something that your daughter was lectured on & she took it and ran.
Along w/the proverbial push from her counselor.

I don’t see any particular deep-rooted trauma so to speak in allowing your child to have contact w/her Grandmother.

Seems this particular has in a sense brainwashed your daughter into thinking she is a true victim of this “generational trauma” which seems like a new catchphrase of some sort.

It’s all over CRT, social studies in k-12 and mass media / internet.

Lived experience. Generational trauma (like actual war, or serious untreated mental disorders, or abuse).

[Anonymous]

All my siblings went through this with our parents and went anywhere from months to years without speaking to them as we sorted everything out.

Parent A put the blame on us - we were spoiled and fragile, our childhoods weren’t that bad, how dare we be ungrateful brats, we were causing irreparable damage by cutting parent off, there would be consequences.

Parent B was completely understanding, let us know they would always be there when we were ready, never pressured us, and even sent us money when needed. They’d reach out every so often to reassure us we were still loved and they were always willing to talk.

Years later, we all have a very close relationship with Parent B and almost no relationship with Parent A. I haven’t spoken to A in over 2 years, and from what a hear, A still continues to harass siblings over being “bad children”. B has been our rock through the years and is the foundation of our family.

Just to give you some perspective. You gotta choose whether you want to win the battle or win the war. Think long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All my siblings went through this with our parents and went anywhere from months to years without speaking to them as we sorted everything out.

Parent A put the blame on us - we were spoiled and fragile, our childhoods weren’t that bad, how dare we be ungrateful brats, we were causing irreparable damage by cutting parent off, there would be consequences.

Parent B was completely understanding, let us know they would always be there when we were ready, never pressured us, and even sent us money when needed. They’d reach out every so often to reassure us we were still loved and they were always willing to talk.

Years later, we all have a very close relationship with Parent B and almost no relationship with Parent A. I haven’t spoken to A in over 2 years, and from what a hear, A still continues to harass siblings over being “bad children”. B has been our rock through the years and is the foundation of our family.

Just to give you some perspective. You gotta choose whether you want to win the battle or win the war. Think long game.

Very insightful. I like the parent B over parent A method.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

This.

Massively F’d up. No respect. Under-developed brains and hormone changes and they’re told by trendy schools and internet influencers to cut off their parents if they don’t get what they want.

OP
Will gen Z truly grow out of this? What type of parents will they be? I don't mean to generalize all gen Z BC they are not all like this. I asked daughter once if she'd like kids one day. She said she'd never put her trauma on an innocent human being. Apparently it's a little selfish to have kids. She then said she'll end the trauma by not continuing the line..

[Anonymous]

No one owes anyone a relationship, they just don’t. Whether you feel she is justified or not really doesn’t matter.

Whatever you do, respect her choice. Don’t keep mailing her stuff, leaving voicemails, showing up uninvited, sending packages, etc. if she has specifically told you not to and to leave her alone. Just respect how she wants to live her life, the relationships she chooses to pursue and hope one day you are pulled back into her orbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

It's the strangest thing--I can only describe it as a movement. I know several families with adult children who have cut ties for reasons that I cannot wrap my mind around. No abuse or trauma. Comments about "control" for things that were simple rules in my book and not nearly as strict as most in my generation were raised with. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Obrycki’s!

[Anonymous]

Search “traumatok” on TikTok to see how pervasive this is. Then do not be surprised when your kids do it.

[Anonymous]

Have her watch the film “Mommie Dearest.”

It will make her appreciate you.
And show her at the same time that not everyone is loved during their childhood.
And even beyond.

There are people that would kill to have unconditional love.
From someone other than their goldfish.
Just kidding.

But you get the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Search “traumatok” on TikTok to see how pervasive this is. Then do not be surprised when your kids do it.

So gender dysphoria and parent instigated trauma are the new cool trends for the schools, therapists, and social media?

#UMCWhitePrivilege

Am so glad we’re not white. Totally different perspective on this BS. Oh and we go to church sometimes (gasp!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Search “traumatok” on TikTok to see how pervasive this is. Then do not be surprised when your kids do it.

So gender dysphoria and parent instigated trauma are the new cool trends for the schools, therapists, and social media?

#UMCWhitePrivilege

Am so glad we’re not white. Totally different perspective on this BS. Oh and we go to church sometimes (gasp!).

I don’t think church is what’s helping. Plenty of kids claim to have been “traumatized” by parents making them go to church. I do think you are in to something with white and middle class. There isn’t enough real strife in their life so they imagine it to seem relatable/interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Search “traumatok” on TikTok to see how pervasive this is. Then do not be surprised when your kids do it.

So gender dysphoria and parent instigated trauma are the new cool trends for the schools, therapists, and social media?

#UMCWhitePrivilege

Am so glad we’re not white. Totally different perspective on this BS. Oh and we go to church sometimes (gasp!).

I don’t think church is what’s helping. Plenty of kids claim to have been “traumatized” by parents making them go to church. I do think you are in to something with white and middle class. There isn’t enough real strife in their life so they imagine it to seem relatable/interesting.

Np. Real point was probably that most people don’t go to church any longer and have no universal values or biblical stories of strife to latch on to. Jewish people are quite adamant about their Hebrew school, camps, mitzvahs. Curious if they have all this manufacture angst. Seems not, their kids are focusing on their school work, activities, family and future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think if a parent was estranged from adult kids it was definitely BC the parent was the bad guy so to speak. But now my young adult daughter is going this direction.

She struggled with some depression in HS, but resisted therapy. She was generally well functioning with friends good grades etc. She went to uni and graduated a year ago. She is now a young adult working in the real world. He worked through hs, college and kept jobs for a long time (over a year.). Employers, teachers etc always liked her. In current job she seems to be doing well. Dating a little, a couple close friends etc

She finally wanted to go to counseling a year ago, which we thought was great. She likes his counselor a lot and they have been dredging up and analyzing childhood. Childhood was normal. Bedtime stories, family trips, music lessons, private school, family dinner at night, parents who got along well.

Her grandmother was an alcoholic who died years ago. Growing up we had a limited relationship with Grandma BC and my kids only saw her with us there, when she was sober. My adult kids aunts and uncles, half of them are nice normal people but half of them (2), who were the product of an alcoholic family are toxic bitter people who we generally avoid but just see once a year at family weddings etc.

In analyzing her childhood she has determined that she needs to set healthyboundaries and will be cutting her off from everyone in the next few months. I got confused and asked her if she meant everyone incl the good kind family members. She says yes. She also said she'll be cutting herself off completely from us as we are part of the problem by association. She can't seem to compartmentalize people. Her therapist is apparently in support of healthy boundaries. I should add that daughter lives at home and us getting ready to move out, which we thought was great and we offered to help with security or downpayment. She's talked about cutting ties with everyone and she is bitter that she was born into a family with some dysfunction. She says she was born into the wrong family anyway. Whole she says all this she's upset and angry and thinks everyone else has perfect families.

I was so shocked but said I support her choices for boundaries and although it makes me very sad, this is her adult decision and door is always open, and we love her.

She legit will go through with this and I am rather devastated. What are your thoughts? It seems pretty extreme to me.

This was my childhood, and I’m still unraveling other parts of my childhood that caused trauma. My parents were emotionally unavailable, clueless as to things happening in my life, and didn’t know their neglect caused me to have horrible selfesteem issues. We lived in a big house, bed time stories, vacations, greet schools. They just never talked about anything or showed emotion.

You’ll need to dig deeper to see your role. To this day, my parents don’t understand their role in my trauma. They haven’t tried to understand. If you want to know your daughter and be a part of her life, try harder.

PP, you should do some reading about Adult Children of Alcoholics. ACOAs grew up with parents who were emotionally unavailable, so it’s not so surprising that they in turn would be emotionally unavailable to their own children. We tend to parent in the way that we were parented. Does that makes us further perpetrators of intergenerational trauma or victims of it also?

My brother has cut my parents off. He, frankly, has no justifiable reason to do so. He has little ability to put himself in other’s shoes. He is very black/white in life overall. He has little ability to see all that he has been given by them. He has no children, so he really has no clue what he parenting is like and often perceives himself as knowing better how to raise kids than his friends who are parents, which is laughable.

PP, we all are raised imperfectly. It is good to consider what you missed out on in your childhood in order to give yourself some of that or to build skills that are weak as a result of that. Health boundaries are important, but cutting people of entirely is rarely a “healthy” boundary.

I’ll also say, as a mom of two kids in a divorced family, if my kids one day make judgements about my parenting, they will be doing so on the basis of a lack of information about why our family broke up and what their father’s behavior has been over the years. In order to protect them I have kept a lot from them, but the end result of that is a lot of distortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Search “traumatok” on TikTok to see how pervasive this is. Then do not be surprised when your kids do it.

So gender dysphoria and parent instigated trauma are the new cool trends for the schools, therapists, and social media?

#UMCWhitePrivilege

Am so glad we’re not white. Totally different perspective on this BS. Oh and we go to church sometimes (gasp!).

I don’t think church is what’s helping. Plenty of kids claim to have been “traumatized” by parents making them go to church. I do think you are in to something with white and middle class. There isn’t enough real strife in their life so they imagine it to seem relatable/interesting.

Np. Real point was probably that most people don’t go to church any longer and have no universal values or biblical stories of strife to latch on to. Jewish people are quite adamant about their Hebrew school, camps, mitzvahs. Curious if they have all this manufacture angst. Seems not, their kids are focusing on their school work, activities, family and future.

Sure but they are culturally and historically also very family focused and child centric, it’s the paramount value. That has to help.