Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)

[Anonymous]

Young adult child (22) one year out of college. Just started first job. She is bitter and resents her family and me BC she said we didn't support her childhood artistic pursuits. Growing up she loved music and we paid for many years of private lessons at our house. In summer I would send her to various camps like art studio, pottery etc. Bought musical instruments and art supplies, easel, paints etc.. She mulled over going to art school for painting, but she never liked painting much at the time and was more into pottery.. I do acknowledge that I did discourage her from art school unless she was interested in teaching eiher high school or uni level. She wasn't interested. She went to a 4 year school and chose her own major (marketing). For the past 6 months she's been in counseling. I thought it was helpful, she wanted to go. But they dredge up everything and she routinely brings up the wrongs of her childhood. Her therapist seems to be feeding into this victim mindset. Apparently I was a terrible mother who emotionally abused her BC I was neglectful by not asking her more about feelings. I was always more of a black and white what's the problem let's see what a fix could be. Apparently I'm not gray in my mindset and did her a disservice. She said she was born into the wrong family and will cut ties as soon as she moves out. I told her how much I love her and that I made mistakes but did my best, and never intended to emotionally neglect her. I told her that act one is done and she can take charge of her own life and mold it into what she wants, but she said it's too late and Ive ruined her with generational trauma and all this other psych babble. And no, although her childhood wasn't perfect there was no divorce, her dad and I get along, they had privileged upbringing and I worked part time for many many years so I could be there as a mother. She has mentioned that she doesn't like the idea of working for the evil capitalist model and wants to live on the beach and paint art all day. She says boomers and Gen X had it easy and now the world is going to hell and she's not cut out for this world. She's always been sensitive and more emotional than her sibling. She is creative. Sorry for the dump. Thoughts? Im shocked but trying to be understanding since this is her feeling. I just think the therapy is worsening it. The interesting thing is she worked through college and after, and her colleagues always like her. She is a hard worker. I'm just baffled.

[Anonymous]

She needs to grow up and get her own place. She has a job, right? That’s good. She wouldn’t have a job if she had majored in art.

She’s welcome to go live on the beach and do art all day... but not on your dime!

She could take art classes. With money she earns from her job. My mother took many art classes as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT get sucked into believing anything she says. Nod and say "thank you for sharing," and keep encouraging her to move out. You did nothing wrong.

My cousin went to college for ... something but then changed her major to ceramics. I didn't even know you could major in that. She graduated, dumped a boyfriend because she said he wasn't going to earn enough to support her pottery lifestyle, and married an ugly boring guy who earns a lot. Cranked out two kids, and works at a college teaching art. She seems very happy, but wouldn't be able to live this life unless she'd married a big earner.

[Anonymous]

Some therapists do more harm than good. Acknowledge her feelings but being upset over that is silly. She can still pursue music. She can go back and take extra classes in college that she pay for. She can do it on her own. She can still pay for lessons. I'd tell her to get a job, get a place to live and move out. If she thinks she's better off living on her own, nothing is stopping her.

[Anonymous]

Grow up kid. You are still supporting her? Tell her to find her own place and move out. Stop paying car insurance, cell phone, everything.

[Anonymous]

You have said the right things and I certainly wouldn’t feel any guilt. During undergrad or since graduation, has she actually taken any art classes, continued to paint, or sold any creations on Etsy? I would encourage her to follow her dream because she is 23 years old. Move to the beach, paint and continue to see her therapist all on her on dime. Has she always been this dramatic?

[Anonymous]

You need to get her out of your house. Pay her to leave if you need to. Seriously it will be well worth the $$$. Give her $10k for rent and a kiss goodbye. If she wants to recover from her late adolescence and become a functional, non-terrible adult, you will welcome her for holidays with open arms.

If you continue to house and feed and clothe and therapy her even though she is an adult with a degree and a job, how could she not be depressed? The only way for her to feel good is to stand on her own two feet. That doesn’t mean you need to cut her off completely, but you need to get her out of your house and she needs to manage her own affairs. If you’re going to help her, give her a fixed amount every six months (if she has never managed her own money, I would start with the $10k so she can find an apartment and do the deposit, etc). Otherwise she is on her own.

This is not exactly tough love, but it is a step in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

You have to be the one in charge here, so to speak. Try to discourage her from seeing the therapist if you can and find a good one instead. Also try not to let it bother you. Kids are lost and confused and the easiest way to process these feelings is to find an easy victim of their blame

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I encouraged her to post her art and she did sell a couple pieces to friends if friends type. She set up at an outdoor market and was convinced that she'd sell 1,000 in art in one day. Sadly (not surprisingly) she did not sell one piece. She is getting ready to move out in Jan Feb. I have offered to help her with security and move. But she's on her own for the rent and all other expenses. I'm still paying her car insurance. But we told her last month that she has to get her own policy Dec 1st. Her car which we bought of course when she was a senior in high school (basic Toyota, new) will be signed over to her name when she takes insurance. I also encouraged her to take art lessons and we were going to gift her money for bday and Xmas for art lessons. But she used the money to buy other things.

This is her first week at her first real job. On her first day she called me over lunch complaining how exhausted she was. It had only been 4 hours. She's also disappointed in her salary BC she's only making 45k and in her mind she should be making 60k straight out of college. Whatever...

[Anonymous]

What is done is done. Your daughter is still young and maybe worried about what will become of her . She needs to understand that you were doing your best.

That said, I wouldn't have guided her away from studying anything that she was passionate about. My parents supported me in my decision to major in fine art. I accepted that in all likelihood I wouldn't drive around in a fancy car. I don't.

I'm not materialistic. I do just fine, though, and I absolutely love my life. I have no regrets

[Anonymous]

It’s just the age. Everyone I know went through something similar once they graduated. I think a lot of it is getting smacked hard in the face by reality - you work hard to get this degree, think you’ll be able to find a good job easily, and hundreds of applications later you’re still just waiting tables. And the options are pretty bleak - either go back to school for an advanced degree and hope that helps, do unpaid internships to pad your resume, or just keep sending out applications. Meanwhile your soul dies a little more with every rejection. It’s stressful, and easy to blame parents for everything going wrong.

I’d be empathetic, listen, and do what you can to support her emotionally. Maybe you could share stories from when you were her age and how difficult it was for you. Not in a “see, I had it hard too, suck it up!” way, but more of a “I understand because I also faced challenges XYZ. Would you like to know more about how I handled it?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I encouraged her to post her art and she did sell a couple pieces to friends if friends type. She set up at an outdoor market and was convinced that she'd sell 1,000 in art in one day. Sadly (not surprisingly) she did not sell one piece. She is getting ready to move out in Jan Feb. I have offered to help her with security and move. But she's on her own for the rent and all other expenses. I'm still paying her car insurance. But we told her last month that she has to get her own policy Dec 1st. Her car which we bought of course when she was a senior in high school (basic Toyota, new) will be signed over to her name when she takes insurance. I also encouraged her to take art lessons and we were going to gift her money for bday and Xmas for art lessons. But she used the money to buy other things.

This is her first week at her first real job. On her first day she called me over lunch complaining how exhausted she was. It had only been 4 hours. She's also disappointed in her salary BC she's only making 45k and in her mind she should be making 60k straight out of college. Whatever...

Poor kid. I can totally understand how disappointing that is - it feels like not only a rejection of your work, but also of you personally. She took a huge risk and probably feels very vulnerable. I remember when I was building my business I went through the same thing - hundreds of hours of putting my work out there with almost no return. It’s awful.

She might enjoy the book “Ignore Everybody: and 39 other keys to creativity”. It helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Did you daughter never work before? She sounds spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you daughter never work before? She sounds spoiled.

Agree. Exhausted from a desk job after four hours? At 14 years old I was working 7am to 1pm at the grocery store as a cashier on Sundays.

[Anonymous]

Yes in high school she worked part time at a restaurant (10 hrs a week). In college she did not work freshman year but did work part time Soph jr and SR. Even prior to landing a real job she did part time work (nannying). But I agree when I look at her I think how spoiled she sounds. I didn't think we spoiled her terribly. But clearly she has that outlook and we must have had a contribution to that.