Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

The perspective stems for asking for examples of alleged abuse.

If the college kid says “I was told to come home by 10:30pm, that’s abusive.”

Versus “I walked on eggshells every day so nothing up dad who would go on rage attacks abusive.”

And of course if the college kid starts pathological lying, no therapist can help that unless there’s a group intervention to suss out the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who has done this-the sibling of a dear friend and I spent a lot of time with them growing up. Of course it’s hard to tell from the outside but my impression knowing them for years was normal, not perfect family but no abuse, no red flags. Three of four kids have typical parents child relationship with them as adults and the fourth is estranged I know parents can treat different children differently however I will say her complaints are literally along the lines of “you let me quit ice-skating after a couple of years and I wish I had stuck with it!”)this is in the context of sibling fervently wanting to quit ice-skating.) And “other people’s dads took them on fishing trips but you never did and I got invited fishing as a 20 year old and didn’t know how!” What’s more, the sibling is also semi-estranged from my friend the other siblings for similar complaints. “You were kind of nerdy and so when I started high school the year after you at first people thought I would be nerdy too!”

It may sound like I’m making fun of the estranged sibling because the complaints are so absurd but I actually think it’s sn indication of serious mental illness. They are OBSESSED with typical childhood beefs like this and cannot stop thinking about them. It’s heartbreaking.

Agree. Total lack of perspective and a very self-centered, unrealistic, ridge point of view. This will not serve them well at work or in relationships. Or any repeat game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All my siblings went through this with our parents and went anywhere from months to years without speaking to them as we sorted everything out.

Parent A put the blame on us - we were spoiled and fragile, our childhoods weren’t that bad, how dare we be ungrateful brats, we were causing irreparable damage by cutting parent off, there would be consequences.

Parent B was completely understanding, let us know they would always be there when we were ready, never pressured us, and even sent us money when needed. They’d reach out every so often to reassure us we were still loved and they were always willing to talk.

Years later, we all have a very close relationship with Parent B and almost no relationship with Parent A. I haven’t spoken to A in over 2 years, and from what a hear, A still continues to harass siblings over being “bad children”. B has been our rock through the years and is the foundation of our family.

Just to give you some perspective. You gotta choose whether you want to win the battle or win the war. Think long game.

Very insightful. I like the parent B over parent A method.

My family was the same and with the same outcomes. No one has spoken to parent A in nearly 10 years. In my case, parent A was mom, parent B was dad.

I hate to quote Dr. Phil here but he says “do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?”

Op-here’s your template if you want your DD in your life.

[Anonymous]

Good ol laid back dad with the open wallet wins then over after his wife raises them practically by herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All my siblings went through this with our parents and went anywhere from months to years without speaking to them as we sorted everything out.

Parent A put the blame on us - we were spoiled and fragile, our childhoods weren’t that bad, how dare we be ungrateful brats, we were causing irreparable damage by cutting parent off, there would be consequences.

Parent B was completely understanding, let us know they would always be there when we were ready, never pressured us, and even sent us money when needed. They’d reach out every so often to reassure us we were still loved and they were always willing to talk.

Years later, we all have a very close relationship with Parent B and almost no relationship with Parent A. I haven’t spoken to A in over 2 years, and from what a hear, A still continues to harass siblings over being “bad children”. B has been our rock through the years and is the foundation of our family.

Just to give you some perspective. You gotta choose whether you want to win the battle or win the war. Think long game.

Very insightful. I like the parent B over parent A method.

My family was the same and with the same outcomes. No one has spoken to parent A in nearly 10 years. In my case, parent A was mom, parent B was dad.

I hate to quote Dr. Phil here but he says “do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?”

Op-here’s your template if you want your DD in your life.

I have two parent a's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good ol laid back dad with the open wallet wins then over after his wife raises them practically by herself.

Just give up, set them free, see if they come back but don’t hold your breath.

Or tell them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time to change the terms of the family trust.

I fully agree. And wills.

Adult children have the absolute right to cut off parents they think are toxic. Well, the reverse is also true.

Parents have the absolute right to cut off adult children. This includes any and all financial consideration and inheritance.

OP should let her daughter know that since she has chosen to become estranged, which is entirely her right, OP now feels traumatized and considers her daughter's behavior abusive and cruel.

OP can respect daughter's decision and daughter should respect parents' decision that they no longer want to have any contact with her.

Sometimes people need to firmly shut and lock a swinging door to keep them from repeatedly getting hit in the a$$.

This right here is a recipe for full estrangement. What a hostile person. Nobody cares about your will. The first thing you seem to want OP to do is go on the attack. That's now you work things out. You can do whatever you want with money, but you need to show her love is more important by letting her know you hope to work things out and you respect you is a separate person from you.

[Anonymous]

When I cut my mother off it was not because of what happened in my childhood (though there was abuse and neglect), it was because she continued to treat me poorly as an adult. Walking on eggshells, the ever present fear… I just couldn’t live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Some counselors are terrible. Just because she needs counseling, don't think she found the right counselor.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like delayed adolescence to me. I have an adult child who is pushing us away. We are devoted parents, but my child has had a lot of learning issues growing up, and we've been pretty protective of her, probably doing too much for her. She won't let us into her life, which is likely healthy, but it's very difficult to take, as we worry about her. She's managing OK, and just got a new job in another state. I fear we won't see much of her, but that's her choice, and we have to respect it. In my experience, adult children do come back to their parents eventually, so just hang in there, and do your best, keep and open door and tell her how much you love her. She'll get through this period, I hope. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s all you can do. We love you and the door is always open. Cut off the $$ too. She can’t have it both ways.

Agree with cutting her off. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. This generation is ridiculously self-absorbed and entitled.

I would not cut her off financially. I would ask her what she needs, and see if you can help her in small ways, say offer a down payment for a (used) car, or buy her some things for her new apartment, or offer her things you already own from your house that you'd like to give her. Cutting her off financially is punishing her for seeking independence, and that's not healthy. She needs to be independent, but she may still need support from you. Even if it's financial, at least there's some contact, so that's something. Don't let her take advantage of you, OP, but don't cut her off if you've been supporting her. Don't overdo it either, and don't use money to manipulate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I cut my mother off it was not because of what happened in my childhood (though there was abuse and neglect), it was because she continued to treat me poorly as an adult. Walking on eggshells, the ever present fear… I just couldn’t live with it.

+1, me too. It wasn't the past behavior but the constant current behavior.

OP, you just posting here complaining about her speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One thing she told me. After one if our marathon conversations, where I apologized for my shortcomings, I asked her if as a child she felt loved by us. She looked puzzled and said of course. Then she said that just because she was loved that doesn't negate or help anything. O didn't mean that it makes everything ok
But I told her that if she felt loved then that was one major silver lining in her childhood. She seemed dismissive.

If I were you, OP, I would back away a bit from your DD. Do not give in to these long conversations with her, which clearly simply reinforce what she's learning from her counselor. She sounds like a narcissist, to be honest. I think you need to move on with your life, and help her move on with hers. Treat her as an adult, even though she's clearly not fully grown up. Does she have a job? A career path? How will she pay for her new apartment? What's she going to live on? You can't keep supporting her if she cuts off all contact with you. It sounds like a weird threat. I'd ignore it. Just pretend it's a phase she's going through, which it likely is. She's settling into it because it gets her attention. Give her your attention in other ways. She may move on, and you should too. I find my kids make huge pronouncements, and later forget about them and move in another direction. That's because they are teenagers who don't really know who they are yet. Just ride with it, and keep your self-esteem intact. She'll get through this. I think she may need a better therapist though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s all you can do. We love you and the door is always open. Cut off the $$ too. She can’t have it both ways.

Agree with cutting her off. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. This generation is ridiculously self-absorbed and entitled.

I would not cut her off financially. I would ask her what she needs, and see if you can help her in small ways, say offer a down payment for a (used) car, or buy her some things for her new apartment, or offer her things you already own from your house that you'd like to give her. Cutting her off financially is punishing her for seeking independence, and that's not healthy. She needs to be independent, but she may still need support from you. Even if it's financial, at least there's some contact, so that's something. Don't let her take advantage of you, OP, but don't cut her off if you've been supporting her. Don't overdo it either, and don't use money to manipulate her.

Either the child cuts the parent off or not. This idea that the parent is supposed to respect her ADULT child’s decision while continuing to give handouts seems absurd. You don’t want a relationship, fine. The door is always open, but I don’t need to keep greasing your palms in hopes that you will come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

This.

Massively F’d up. No respect. Under-developed brains and hormone changes and they’re told by trendy schools and internet influencers to cut off their parents if they don’t get what they want.

OP
Will gen Z truly grow out of this? What type of parents will they be? I don't mean to generalize all gen Z BC they are not all like this. I asked daughter once if she'd like kids one day. She said she'd never put her trauma on an innocent human being. Apparently it's a little selfish to have kids. She then said she'll end the trauma by not continuing the line..

She sounds like my DD who had Lyme disease in high school, which changed her personality practically overnight. She went to yoga and some therapy, and eventually we had a neuropsych which found that she had some brain deficits, likely caused by Lyme. Weird, but that's what happened. When she went to college, she got a lot better, although she had accommodations due to her brain injury from Lyme. She got some great suggestions from the neuropsych people who told her not to spend more than 30 minutes at a time doing schoolwork, to use a white noise machine, to work in the morning when her head was clear, to allow plenty of time between classes to prep and do homework, and to allow rest and relaxation time at night. She followed this schedule and did very well in college. But we had a rough time with her after Lyme hit in high school. She said some very damaging, horrible things to us, blaming us for whatever. Now she doesn't even remember saying those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s all you can do. We love you and the door is always open. Cut off the $$ too. She can’t have it both ways.

Agree with cutting her off. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. This generation is ridiculously self-absorbed and entitled.

I would not cut her off financially. I would ask her what she needs, and see if you can help her in small ways, say offer a down payment for a (used) car, or buy her some things for her new apartment, or offer her things you already own from your house that you'd like to give her. Cutting her off financially is punishing her for seeking independence, and that's not healthy. She needs to be independent, but she may still need support from you. Even if it's financial, at least there's some contact, so that's something. Don't let her take advantage of you, OP, but don't cut her off if you've been supporting her. Don't overdo it either, and don't use money to manipulate her.

If she's smart she'll stop taking the money as often parents use money to control their adult kids.