Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP reading this again I am confused. Are you equating taking 3 months to do her own thing with estrangement which is permanent? Do you realize plenty of young adults will go more than 3 months without seeing their parents. I understand she lives with you and I assume she is moving out. Do you have a lot of extended family gatherings?

OP here. So she is moving out next week to stay with a friend for a month or so til she finds a more place. She chose to hire movers to bring all her stuff to storage, even though we have a big house and we always told her her stuff could stay for years. As soon as she moves in the next week she will cut all ties off with is permanently. Whatever permanently means. I told her we live her and understand that it's just not working out and door is always open. That being said we could not have her move in permanently here again. She said she has to cut ties with mee too BC I am associated with toxic family by virtue of being married. She said we will not hear from her nor know where she is living. She said no one is to contact her. I agreed and said I'd respect her decision and won't reach out. But I am just a text or call away if she chooses.

Someone earlier posted something about religious or political beliefs. We are not religious church type people. Politically we are middle of the road but despised trump. Daughter is also middle of road and dislikes trump. So there was no issue with those differences.

I do not wish to bad mouth her therapist to her. Her therapist told her that I should come in separately as should my husband to work on generational trauma. I declined. I also do not want to get into relationship with therapist and tell her my frank opinion, as this may damage my daughter's relationship with therapist.

My daughter reiterated that I am still possibly saveable if I leave dad and separate completely from generational trauma and extended in laws. I said I couldn't do that. Her dad has been generally a good husband for 25 years.

OK thanks for clarifying. So she is cutting off completely. That is extreme. I thought you maybe did a lot as a family and extended family together and she needed some distance. I could see taking a break to think through things, but cutting off does sound like she is moving too fast. I am glad that you said the door is always open and didn't slam it in her face. I think you mentioned a history of depression so it's good that she can come back if she decides she made a massive mistake. It should be interesting how it goes staying with the friend. Might be nice at first, but if she is very me-centered there will be issues, but it's a good life experience for her.

My view is changing here. I am glad you did not make threats and you will respect her wishes even though they are painful. I cannot imagine a therapist telling her that YOU must leave your husband or you need to come in to work on your trauma. That does sound concerning.

There are times where estrangement really is needed, but it's a gradual process where you try to work things out, you try boundaries, you try breaks and things are still abusive and toxic. What you describe does not sound like this.

Is there any family history of mental illness besides the alcoholism and her history of depression?

OP here. My daughter is the one who said I need to divorce dad. Therapist didn't say that but therapist wants us to come in separately to work through generational trauma. In terms of mental illness, both mother's had depression. Alcoholic grandmother, she was bipolar we think. Which also related to alcoholism. For my and dad, we don't have any mental illness diagnosis. I did wonder about bipolar but my daughter has not experienced mania. Her therapist told her depression and anxiety. She is not on any medications.

OP clarify. I meant both grandmothers had depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why most therapists are toxic, OP. Truly. I hear of so many stories like this. In the past, these young adults would be told by friends and relatives to snap out of it, and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nowadays, their therapists and friends egg them on without any regard for perspective or proportional response.

In my 20s, I deeply resented my mother, for having smothered me as a child and forced me into seclusion (she guilted me into it because she is handicapped and did not want to be alone in the house). But despite a legitimate grievance, I got over it, and I understand that her chronic disability affected her social life and pushed her into a very controlling and unhealthy sort of parenting. She loves me very much, and I forgive her.

There's nothing you can do except wait for her to come to her sense. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Some therapists are trouble.